August 16, 2006 3:49 PM PDT
Satire: U.S. dedicates $64 billion to undermining Gates Foundation efforts
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WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Bush administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA?Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.
"The fight against Gates will not be easy, will not be quick and will not be without enormous cost," said Director of National Intelligence John D. Negroponte of the new program, which calls for the creation of a new $20 billion counter-philanthropy unit aimed at punishing those countries that accept or use, directly or indirectly, any financial support from the Gates Foundation.
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"If they want to use this money to purify a well, we will be there to fill it in with bacteria-infested soil before they get the chance," Negroponte said. "If they want to ensure that millions of children receive immunity shots for typhoid, whooping cough or diphtheria, we will ensure that country's medicine is never received."
Added Negroponte: "This bill gives us the power to take on these extremists before they create positive global change that will haunt us for generations."
According to congressional testimony, the CIA sees Gates' intention to bring improvements in health and learning to the poorest corners of the world as the most serious threat to American foreign interests since the wave of independence-granting that plagued Africa in the 1960s and '70s.
"Our enemies want to eliminate disease in the Third World, which is exactly why we're creating a $900 million pro-AIDS campaign that makes the deadly disease available to millions of uneducated poor people," said CIA Africa specialist Alberto O'Hara, who briefed the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee Monday. "We're also considering an $800 million food-interception initiative."
A CIA statement outlined phase one of the initiative, dubbed "Freeze And Punish," to be spearheaded by the new counter-philanthropy unit. It will "focus on disrupting the Gates Foundation's international support network by freezing the accounts of countries that attempt to use the financial aid, and then providing small arms to violent rebel movements to fight them." This, combined with the release of over 10 million parasitic Guinea worms into their drinking water, is expected to severely impede Gates' impact on Africa and the rest of the developing world.
The initiative, a rider to a larger defense spending bill signed into law by President Bush earlier this month, will also create state-of-the-art training facilities for leaders of the struggling nations, which will teach them how to intercept the Gates money and funnel it into buying larger, more opulent presidential estates rather than homes and infrastructure for the poor.
"In the past, people have accused this administration of ignoring the world's poorest nations. That ends today," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We're committed to protecting our interests in every corner of the globe, no matter the cost, and no matter what adversaries we face along the way."
According to the CIA, the Gates Foundation has spent more than $3 billion on malaria prevention, treatment and education in the last two years. Even though the U.S. will invest some $9 billion in a mosquito-breeding program, officials say they are most troubled by the fact that much of the foundation's money is directed toward medical infrastructure, which would enable this work to continue for years without additional support.
"The United States Air Force will have complete authorization and financial backing to bomb any site where a hospital could be built or any target harboring known medical operatives," Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita said.
"They're creating a monster," added DiRita, referring specifically to the Gates Foundation's global-health equity program. "If they cure AIDS, malaria and TB, they're going to have a very hard time getting that Pandora's box closed again."
The new program also targets Gates' international training and youth-outreach programs with the $4 billion "Leave Millions of Children Behind" plan, an effort to counterfund any school the Gates Foundation opens by providing them with wrong-language textbooks, broken calculators and asbestos-riddled classrooms.
"Once you educate a population--teach them to read, do math, give them access to the Internet--they can use those skills for the rest of their lives," the CIA's O'Hara said. "We don't know what these people would be capable of if left to their own devices."
"And quite frankly, we don't want to know," O'Hara added.
© 2006 The Onion. All rights reserved.
35 comments
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I've missed out on the punch line..
abolishes the good deed to poor nations. They need aid to eat and
live because of disease. What we take for granted for not having!!!!!
I still don't get it.
Where's the punch line? Where are we supposed to laugh?
that posting satire is a good idea... skip it.
What is funny about (mocking) poverty, world hunger, and people that suffer?
Do your editors really find humor in that?
You could have picked something else to joke about.
If this whole thing left a bad taste in your mouth, or a desire to do something, might I suggest visiting www.worldvision.org.
the world of terrible plagues, leaving behind our generation a
new beginning for the future of mankind; a new world free of
poverty, hunger, and disease. Suggesting otherwise, even in
jest, is just mean-spirited. I suggest you leave comedy to the
comedians.
Best Regard and thanks to Cnet (and the onion in this case) for the good work all over the site.
Beste Regards
Alfredo from Santiago, Chile
South America
This time, though, I have to say that you guys are idiots for posting a story like this, satire or not. Why would you post something like this? There are plenty of other news worthy stories out there.
Although I'm by no means a major Microsoft fan, what Bill Gates and his Wife are doing happens to be absolutely GREAT. They don't deserve crap like this for doing it.
Thanks for making me wrong to have ever thought you were above most of the garbage out there...
Charles R. Whealton
Charles Whealton @ pleasedontspam.com
i guess i just come from a gentler time.
One last thing to understand about government agencies. They act out of SELF interest and many times are at cross purposes to efforts that may provide other countries and groups great benefit. Their job is to act in the perceived interest of the US and that may be detrimental to others.