Satire: U.S. dedicates $64 billion to undermining Gates Foundation efforts

In an effort to add some levity to your daily dose of technology news, CNET News.com has teamed with the humorists at The Onion. We hope you enjoy the diversion.

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Bush administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA?Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.

"The fight against Gates will not be easy, will not be quick and will not be without enormous cost," said Director of National Intelligence John D. Negroponte of the new program, which calls for the creation of a new $20 billion counter-philanthropy unit aimed at punishing those countries that accept or use, directly or indirectly, any financial support from the Gates Foundation.

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"If they want to use this money to purify a well, we will be there to fill it in with bacteria-infested soil before they get the chance," Negroponte said. "If they want to ensure that millions of children receive immunity shots for typhoid, whooping cough or diphtheria, we will ensure that country's medicine is never received."

Added Negroponte: "This bill gives us the power to take on these extremists before they create positive global change that will haunt us for generations."

According to congressional testimony, the CIA sees Gates' intention to bring improvements in health and learning to the poorest corners of the world as the most serious threat to American foreign interests since the wave of independence-granting that plagued Africa in the 1960s and '70s.

"Our enemies want to eliminate disease in the Third World, which is exactly why we're creating a $900 million pro-AIDS campaign that makes the deadly disease available to millions of uneducated poor people," said CIA Africa specialist Alberto O'Hara, who briefed the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee Monday. "We're also considering an $800 million food-interception initiative."

A CIA statement outlined phase one of the initiative, dubbed "Freeze And Punish," to be spearheaded by the new counter-philanthropy unit. It will "focus on disrupting the Gates Foundation's international support network by freezing the accounts of countries that attempt to use the financial aid, and then providing small arms to violent rebel movements to fight them." This, combined with the release of over 10 million parasitic Guinea worms into their drinking water, is expected to severely impede Gates' impact on Africa and the rest of the developing world.

The initiative, a rider to a larger defense spending bill signed into law by President Bush earlier this month, will also create state-of-the-art training facilities for leaders of the struggling nations, which will teach them how to intercept the Gates money and funnel it into buying larger, more opulent presidential estates rather than homes and infrastructure for the poor.

"In the past, people have accused this administration of ignoring the world's poorest nations. That ends today," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We're committed to protecting our interests in every corner of the globe, no matter the cost, and no matter what adversaries we face along the way."

According to the CIA, the Gates Foundation has spent more than $3 billion on malaria prevention, treatment and education in the last two years. Even though the U.S. will invest some $9 billion in a mosquito-breeding program, officials say they are most troubled by the fact that much of the foundation's money is directed toward medical infrastructure, which would enable this work to continue for years without additional support.

"The United States Air Force will have complete authorization and financial backing to bomb any site where a hospital could be built or any target harboring known medical operatives," Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita said.

"They're creating a monster," added DiRita, referring specifically to the Gates Foundation's global-health equity program. "If they cure AIDS, malaria and TB, they're going to have a very hard time getting that Pandora's box closed again."

The new program also targets Gates' international training and youth-outreach programs with the $4 billion "Leave Millions of Children Behind" plan, an effort to counterfund any school the Gates Foundation opens by providing them with wrong-language textbooks, broken calculators and asbestos-riddled classrooms.

"Once you educate a population--teach them to read, do math, give them access to the Internet--they can use those skills for the rest of their lives," the CIA's O'Hara said. "We don't know what these people would be capable of if left to their own devices."

"And quite frankly, we don't want to know," O'Hara added.

© 2006 The Onion. All rights reserved.

[imacpwr]

Can't find page 2..

Looked everywhere but couldn't find a link to the next page, guess
I've missed out on the punch line..

[Max Bulconer]

What the hell is this?

Not only does an honest taxpayer's money go to waste but it
abolishes the good deed to poor nations. They need aid to eat and
live because of disease. What we take for granted for not having!!!!!

[cary1]

Did you read the word 'Satire' in the title?

cary

[Joe A Flores]

Ha!

You actually belived this! SATIRE... oh my god!

[alexgp87]

haha

Hes right though instead our taxpayers money should be going to our edumacation system for people like him and I.

[JoeF2]

This makes my day

Somebody who takes something as obvious as this serious. It is bad enough that Cnet actually marks it as astire, but even then, somebody fails to understand it. Hilarious :-)

[ellkt]

The meaning?

Okay, so it's a satire.
I still don't get it.
Where's the punch line? Where are we supposed to laugh?

[info4fastrabbitsoftware]

Bad idea.

Did the boss go on vacation on or something? Next time you think
that posting satire is a good idea... skip it.

[WJeansonne]

More like Anti-Bush Drivel

You should have made a satire focusing instead on Bill Clinton and his "humanitarian" (more like ego soothing), but then of course it wouldn't be satire it would be true. LOL!

[Ngallendou]

Thinly disguised hatred ?

Satire and cynicism can overlap in motive and content. The one is meant for levity, the other has to parade itself as levity because of its obvioiusly-intended slander. Now, which have we here?

[assman]

you make america sad.

People like you are destroying this country. Please remove yourself from our gene pool.

[ideahunter]

Don't quit your day job.

If I want to read boring and pointless satire, I can direct my browser to any number of a billion blogs on the web. Stick to what you do best - tech news. If this idea came from the intern, maybe you should tell him/her to put a cork in it. What's next? Political cartoons?

[assman]

Hey moron..

It was written by The Onion, not CNET. And, it was hilarious.

[Stating]

Seems To Be Working At Home

We've got a steadily dropping functional literacy rate in our K-12 schools. The more money we spend on education the dumber the students get. So indeed the anti-literacy campaign is working well.

[microsoft slayer]

Cracksmoking writer...

Is that you Bill?

[dillon_67]

THIS IS NOT FUNNY

I did not find any humor in this article.

What is funny about (mocking) poverty, world hunger, and people that suffer?

Do your editors really find humor in that?

You could have picked something else to joke about.

[TV James]

Yeah, I agree.

The Onion's usually a great source of irony, but this was not only not funny, it was far too long.

If this whole thing left a bad taste in your mouth, or a desire to do something, might I suggest visiting www.worldvision.org.

[TucsonAlexAZ]

I Agree - its Hilarious

That's the problem with radicals, they can never laugh at themselves. The Republicans are always playing the victim, always afraid of any negative comments, the true cowards in the fight against terrorism.

[TogetherinParis]

Mean-spirited anti-republicanism.

Americans of all parties and stripes want to pull together and rid
the world of terrible plagues, leaving behind our generation a
new beginning for the future of mankind; a new world free of
poverty, hunger, and disease. Suggesting otherwise, even in
jest, is just mean-spirited. I suggest you leave comedy to the
comedians.

[midosm]

The Sad Thing is Much of this is True!

You think that these efforts to undermine and keep the population offset is a joke, but the scary thing is that it is very real. Do you really think that a concrete/steel building can collapse perfectly on itself for the first time in engineering history not once, but twice in the same day due to fire AND the second building falls before the first? If they do that, why would they not do this?

[Alfredo Morgan R.]

Like it very much . Thanks Cnet

It's god to know that not all the u.s. citizens are as idiot as their president. :-)

Best Regard and thanks to Cnet (and the onion in this case) for the good work all over the site.

Beste Regards
Alfredo from Santiago, Chile
South America

[TV James]

uh...

Claim ESL as an excuse if you want, but you might want to avoid grammatical mistakes when calling someone else an idiot.

[Llib Setag]

Bill you ignorant dolt!

Hard right conservative born again republicans + money grubbing robber baron monopolist MS clan have no sense of humor, satire or appreciation of the absurd.

[chuck_whealton]

This is the most idiotic thing I've ever read...

I've sat around and up until now, always disagreed with fellow readers who give CNet a bad time about their stories.

This time, though, I have to say that you guys are idiots for posting a story like this, satire or not. Why would you post something like this? There are plenty of other news worthy stories out there.

Although I'm by no means a major Microsoft fan, what Bill Gates and his Wife are doing happens to be absolutely GREAT. They don't deserve crap like this for doing it.

Thanks for making me wrong to have ever thought you were above most of the garbage out there...

Charles R. Whealton
Charles Whealton @ pleasedontspam.com

[disco-legend-zeke]

i defend your right to say it

even as i heave my lunch on my shoes.

i guess i just come from a gentler time.

[zanzzz]

Propose Constituitional Amendment Banning Satire

I think the hostile response was even funnier than the article! How dare anyone attempt to use humor when we are at war with terrorists everywhere!? How inconsiderate to allow anyone's political feelings to be hurt! I think Republicans should propose an amendment banning satire and all political humor so their feelings will be protected.
One last thing to understand about government agencies. They act out of SELF interest and many times are at cross purposes to efforts that may provide other countries and groups great benefit. Their job is to act in the perceived interest of the US and that may be detrimental to others.

If you label it "Funny" it's won't be

Part of satire's effectiveness stems from the straight face.

[gerardogerardo80]

Proposed by President Hillary Clinton??

Very funny but if it was true for sure had to come out of the Clintons