If there's a more sympathetic athlete in American sports than Alex Rodriguez, I can only imagine it's Lance Armstrong.
A-Rod, as he's often called, has been banned from baseball for a whole season, partly for alleged drug use and partly for just being someone an insufficient number of people like.
Many wondered how he'd come to be associated with a now discredited peddler of nutritional advice called Tony Bosch.
So A-Rod appeared on "Saturday Night Live" to explain that it's all a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding caused by his iPhone.
Alright, this wasn't really A-Rod. It was Drake playing A-Rod. But one can imagine the real A-Rod attempting this robust defense.
"Have you ever heard of auto-correct?" he arrogantly asked an alleged Piers Morgan, who sounded like an upper-class hemorrhoid patient in a suburban English hospital. So, yes, he sounded a little, at least, like Piers Morgan.
A-Rod went on to explain that he'd used his iPhone to text Bosch: "What up, son? Thinking of seeing 'Frozen' tonight. Heard good things."
Apple's twisted device allegedly auto-corrected this to: "Just took a hundred steroids. Need to buy thousands more. This is A-Rod BTW."
When asked why he was texting Bosch at all, A-Rod explained: "I texted him 'Lost my phone. Who dis?' but that got auto-corrected to, like, 'my butt equals, then like an emoji of a steroid needle.'"
More Technically Incorrect
There's only one solution now. "I'm suing my iPhone, as well as the dictionary."
A-Rod would probably have as much success doing that, as continuing to sue Major League Baseball and the players' union.
After all, it's well known that auto-correct can create enormous pickles by changing things like "IUD" to "DUI."
Should you enjoy Drake's performance as A-Rod, you will surely adore the depiction of another star who is having iPhone trouble.
Justin Bieber's iPhone has been confiscated by police, after an alleged egg-throwing incident.
Here Bieber, played brilliantly by Kate McKinnon, explains himself with the confident aplomb only an iPhone owner can muster.
I am sure that after listening to McKinnon's Bieber, you will become a Belieber.