In these modern times, when people hear the word "beard," they sometimes think of someone being used, perhaps unknowingly, to cover up the sexual orientation of a friend.
However, once anyone under 20 sees this series of public-service announcements from LG, in which James Lipton from "Inside the Actor's Studio" attempts to be a good companion to troubled teens, they will, hopefully, think "beard" before sending a text featuring a picture of their private parts.
You see, LG did a little research and discovered that nasty or sexually explicit texts weren't being sent so much by bullies, but by "tabloid teens." You know, those who might have helped Yahoo's business enormously by trying to find every last piece of information about Tiger Woods' alleged missteps with various misses.
Such teens believe that gossip is their source of influence and social power, but it doesn't necessarily yield the finest of results. Which is why LG would like the rapidly typing youth to "give it a ponder" before they send, as Lipton so sweetly describes it in one of the spots, "a pic of your junk."
In an attempt to help, Lipton gives them his beard for them to stroke. On their own faces, you understand.
The spots have a tough task, as they are asking kids to don Lipton's famously ephemeral facial hair in order to adopt a little temporary maturity at a moment of some excitement.
But LG is still determined to knock a little sense into these people wherever it can get to them.
The rather lovely Give It A Ponder Facebook page has delightful entries from, for example, a lady called Lynn Hood who says, "Oh, that I had a beard this magnificent to stroke while I ponder." And, the GiveItAPonder.com site offers even more amusement.
U.S. teens together apparently send 20,000 texts per second, so one can only hope that this delightful campaign puts at least a tiny dent into their craniums.
Once it makes some intelligent inroads with teens, perhaps LG might try to influence the poor judgment of politicians. Perhaps, indeed, LG could get the folks on Capitol Hill to text us their thoughts and receive our approval before they ever articulate a single word in public. Just a thought.
"OMG!!! You'll never guess what happened next!!!"
"What?!!!"
"OMG!!!! I'm being sucked towards Atlantis!!!!"
Perhaps that wasn't the texting exchange between 15-year-old Alexa Longueira and her friend as she walked along a Staten Island street. But it would have been lovely if it had been.
Alexa, you see, as so many on the East Coast, had focused all her attention on her cell phone rather than the sidewalk.
According to a report by MSNBC, she did not dedicate the merest glance towards a sewer manhole that was lurking menacingly in her path.
As her eyes focused on her keyboard, her legs were sucked into the sewers of Staten Island, where who knows what vermin and demons scrape together their survival.
MSNBC quoted the Staten Island Advance, which claims it was told by the teen: "It was four or five feet, it was very painful. I kind of crawled out and the DEP guys came running and helped me (...) They were just, like, 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
The question is, how sorry exactly.
You see Alexa's family appears to be suing the Department of Environmental Protection, perhaps for not protecting Alexa's environment. Or her footwear.
Alexa's mom told MSNBC: "Oh my God, it was putrid. One of her sneakers is still down there."
One can only imagine that one of Staten Island's rats is sprinting a little faster this morning.
You might be wondering whether Alexa suffered any injuries. Reportedly, she suffered only a little scare and a few scrapes. Still, the manhole did not have cones around it, so how can Alexa have possibly known it was there?
Well, yes, she might have looked where she was going.
But why would you do that when you have a text to send?
One should always admire those with a hearty sense of priorities.
So I know you will all feel a tinge of soulful embrace towards a 16-year-old Tampa girl who was faced with a very difficult decision.
She was reportedly walking across the road and, calamity, dropped her iPod, according to an Associated Press story on WESH.com
Having reached the other side, she had but a moment to consider her next move. Should she let the downloaded Miley, Kylie, and for all I know, Pete Wylie get crushed beneath the wheels of a pickup truck?
Or should she herself risk getting crushed by a pickup truck in order to save her irreplaceable little white machine?
This was a no-brainer.
The unnamed 16-year-old is recovering from what may or may not be a broken leg, the story said.
News of the condition of the iPod has not been released. But one can only hope that its remarkable innards have not been affected by this traumatic experience.
Perhaps your teen is one of those who, when exposed to the movie "The Exorcist," begins to twirl her head around, declare she is the devil, and vomit green pea soup.
Well, then you will be one of those not surprised by research, from the University of Pittsburgh, that suggests any teen who listens to the bulk of 50 Cent is more likely to partake of sex early and often.
I am being unfair to Fitty. The academics looked at other musicians whose lyrics they deemed to include a "power differential"--that is, one of the sexes declaring its bodily dominance over another. Something you will probably not find in, for example, a Jennifer Lopez ditty. (Although "Let's Get Loud" surely suggests serious antisocial tendencies)
Brian Primack, an associate professor at Pittsburgh, gave an interesting example of a degrading lyric: "After you work up a sweat, you can play with the stick."
When I first heard this little couplet, from 50 Cent's "Candy Shop", my immediate reaction was "field hockey." However, the Pittsburgh team is convinced that "high exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex in popular music was independently associated with higher levels of sexual behavior."
It's also worth noting that some rap lyrics are, to the researchers, not degrading. They cite "Baby I'm Back" by Baby Bash. Whose allegedly nondegrading lines include: "I wanna be stronger than we've ever been, I'm here to cater to you."
Is there anyone who hears the word "cater" and doesn't think kitchen scene in "Fatal Attraction?"
The academics are very careful not to suggest that the music causes rampant teen nymphomania. They limit themselves to showing the link between degrading lyrics and increased teen sexual activity. But they do point out that they analyzed around 300 songs, of which one-third had sexually explicit language, the majority of that language having degrading elements.
I am a touch skeptical of these results. And it is not merely because every single piece of social science research that has ever been performed by any academic institution leaves me wondering whether I have just listened to a duet between Roland Burriss and Joe the Plumber.
You see, I am not sure most teens of any generation are all that bright. I'm not sure how often they get even the broadest meanings of many songs.
Think of all the supposedly mature and, no doubt, sexually active folks who thought "Puff the Magic Dragon" really was about a mythical creature called Puff. So shouldn't we wonder whether teens are driven by words or merely by the thumping beat that raises their heart rates and brain impulses beyond the control of any public jurisdiction?
I asked one of the world's foremost psychologists what parents should do if they examined their teen's iPod and found lyrics of unsound sexual power relations.
"Download Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing' for them," was her reply.
I have no idea what she meant. But one thought keeps reverberating around my head--if in doubt, ask yourself this question: Did Bristol Palin really listen to 50 Cent?
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