Technically Incorrect

Is all this space travel worthwhile? Will it really contribute to our civilization or our touchingly naive way of life? Will it even lift our spirits?

I cannot be sure about the first two, as I feel these might be permanently floating somewhere out there. But I have some space-sourced spirit lifting to share.

Japan's Sapporo Breweries, the entity that brings you those large silver tins of beer to complement your rainbow roll, announced this week that it is launching space beer.

According to Reuters, Sapporo "Space Barley", with its cute outer-space sparkling starred label, has been created using barley grown on the International Space Station.

I am not sure what revolutionary taste values barley grown in the black beyond brings to a beer, but I'm concerned that it can't possibly be as fine as the Redhook ESB that got me through another abject Golden State Warriors performance Thursday evening at Oracle's most depressing arena.

I know you'll be wondering how to get your fingers around Space Barley's neck. It seems you will have to trust your good fortune and your, um, trust fund. There's a lottery. The 250 winners will enjoy a six-pack. Just one. The approximate price of being able to drink in a little space is $115. Which works out to about $19 for each 330 milliliter of celestial flavor.

You will be relieved to learn that this project is not for profit. Instead, all the proceeds will go to an educational science charity for Japanese children.

You will be even more relieved that the noble forces of science are finally being put to this most elemental of human uses. Indeed, if Space Barley reveals itself to have a taste somewhat superior to Coors and Budweiser (which I know is terribly tough to imagine), perhaps we might soon see an increase in space beer production.

It is surely many a human being's dream: the Unidentified Flying Brewery.

I can understand why people are so keen to find alien life. It isn't so much a scientific fascination with what might be out there. It's more a pained hope that what is out there might be more enjoyable than what is down here.

So I am wrestled to the ground by a certain sympathy for Brad Niesluchowski.

According to the Arizona Republic, Niesluchowski was asked to resign after allegedly using his position at the Higley Unified School District to exercise his own (and our) need for an alien encounter.

This was not a case of uploading pictures of potential lady friends from Eastern Europe. No, this was a rather more imaginative downloading of software that searches for extra-terrestrial life.

The Republic's sleuths got their hands on documents that suggest Niesluchowski was encouraged to resign after he downloaded free University of California (the terribly forward-thinking Berkeley branch) software that uses idle computers to examine information collected by radio telescopes.

This would be information that might indicate that ET is, indeed, flying around in a bike basket somewhere out there.

Might someone out there try to correct this situation?

(Credit: Cc Joka2000/Flickr)

Niesluchowski, you see, enjoyed the authority to purchase all sorts of technology for his district. And his alleged downloading of alien-hunting software might well have used additional energy resources and caused other related damage or accelerated depreciation to the hardware. The school district estimates these losses at between $1.2 million and $1.6 million.

Specifically, Niesluchowski stands accused of downloading a program called SETI@home to every computer in the school district.

You might rather enjoy perusing the SETI Web site. One of its recent small steps for man was to launch a site for Iran so that Iranians might also co-operate in accelerating the incidence of Klingon contact.

However, SETI might not have been the only software Niesluchowski donated to Higley. The school district also claimed it had found another program, with the heavenly name of BOINC, that also emanated from Berkeley.

Perhaps Niesluchowski's alleged behavior was not entirely thought through. Perhaps he simply hoped no one would ever notice. But, using the moniker "NEZ" he had reportedly become one of the most active and admired alien hunters. The Republic suggests that he earned 575 million "credits,", representing the enormous hours he spent in the search for the next world.

I would, however, like to offer an alternative theory as to why he might have behaved in the way he allegedly did.

The Polish roots of the name "Niesluchowski" are the words "not" and "listening". It seems perfectly possible to me that Niesluchowski merely wanted to prove that, despite his name, he was doing more future-focused listening that anyone in the world.

Perhaps space travel has become old. Perhaps people have come to take it for granted. It's been seen in so many movies. So many space shuttles have taken off and returned to Earth that we think little more of them than we do of jumbo jets.

NASA therefore has to use its imagination to persuade tomorrow's generations that space travel continues to be a large step for man.

One small step in this process is a new public service annoucnement featuring that fearsome space creature, "The Rock." Dwayne Johnson himself, a man who has appeared in so many scientifically concocted movies such as WWF SmackDown, WWE Backlash, and WWE Crush Hour, is now telling kids that NASA is cool.

Why Johnson? Well, he plays Captain Chuck Baker in the new movie "Planet 51." The voice of Chuck Baker, to be precise. And that seems to be a sufficient connection for him to tell us that all of the clever things NASA discovers in the dark and beyond are also put to use here on the mundane round lump called Earth.

I know Johnson is trying to inspire, but when he tells us that NASA technologies allow us to enjoy the freeze-dried fruit in our cereal, I wonder how many viewers will look at their Raisin Bran with a jaundiced eye and quivering lips.

The Rock is a professional. He convinced when he played Agent 23 in "Get Smart," just as he did when he when he played Rick Smith in "Reno 911."

But even he struggles with the last line of this PSA. For reasons best known to someone, somewhere, perhaps even out there, Johnson is required to end this PSA with the words" There's no space like home."

Oh, goodness. He's Dwayne Johnson. He's the Rock. Couldn't they have got him to deliver an NASA smackdown? Or are we all just trying to nice-ify our images to the point of blandness?

I have tried to avoid the Balloon Boy, his dad, and all who sail in this online/offline/out-of-line clattermaran.

However, thanks to CBS News, I have learned that Richard Heene once appeared on a fine YouTube extravaganza called The Psyience Detectives and offered 15 reasons why our haggard old world will end on December 21, 2012.

I have no idea if the world will end in 2012, though I suspect Richard Heene doesn't know either. And yet there is something quite eerie that he should assault our eyes and ears in the same week that a movie called "2012" has forced NASA to address all the 2012 doomsdayers.

You see, the folks behind the movie decided it might be quite fun to launch a Web site, InstituteforHumanContinuity.org. The site suggests that "a mysterious celestial body will enter Earth's orbit in 2012 with disastrous consequences." It also offers you the chance to enter a survival lottery that gives you just a chance of ringing in 2013. Applications are, naturally, limited and it seems as if there has already been a huge influx of wise and frightened people from each continent--interestingly, it seems Australians have so far led the pack of those entering the lottery.

Now, you might be wise, and even Australian, and therefore be able to see through this Beverley Hills bunkum. However, NASA is taking this site--or at least the fears it might perpetuate--so seriously that it has launched one of its astronomers, David Morrison, to attack this piffle-peddling.

When it comes to space, I believe the police and NASA. Mostly.

(Credit: CC Dave Friedel/Flickr)

According to the Independent, Morrison, who works in NASA's Astrobiology Institute, has already received more than 1,000 missives from the concerned. These are not those who merely fear they might not be able to view reality TV in 2013.

"I've even had cases of teenagers writing to me saying they are contemplating suicide because they don't want to see the world end. I think when you lie on the Internet and scare children in order to make a buck, that is ethically wrong," Morrison told the Independent.

The movie's site appears to be nourished by the same notions that incited Balloon Boy's dad: Old Sumerian starmen talked of "ancient astronauts" and supposedly predicted a bit of an earthly disaster in 2012, a thought that was picked up, according to Morrison, by fiction in relatively recent times.

Before we knew it, there were whispers about the planet Nibiru (here's just one on YouTube), which on the "2012" site has become Planet X, a planet that is allegedly being tracked by some of the world's finest scientists.

On the NASA site, Morrison goes into heartening detail about the Nibiru nonsense.

But perhaps the most joyous part of his answers to 2012 questions is when he confesses he had to go to the world's greatest online encyclopedia to learn of Sony Pictures' insidious marketing techniques: "I learned from Wikipedia that creating this sort of fake Web site is a new advertising technique called 'viral marketing,' by analogy with computer viruses."

The search for celestial riches from celestial fears will never go away. However, Balloon Boy's parents have run into a spot of bothersome police scrutiny, and I have heard one or two whispers that production of the "2012" movie is, well, towering inferno of cash that might end up in ashes.

Meanwhile, the mythbusters at NASA stand strong and united against these deleterious influences in our culture.

It is always fun when serious people offer a confessional.

On Microsoft's Bing blog, director Stefan Weitz decides to tell everyone who will listen that he has been an "avid rocket launcher since 1975."

I am not aware what effect this might have had on his parents, his neighbors, or the local police and fire services as he was growing up, but I can find no evidence that he was ever arrested for such avid launching.

Weitz is now, however, vexed that science is not cool in school.

So he and his friends at the Bingdome have decided to revive child enthusiasm for launching.

Please welcome Mission: 10,000 Rockets, a program designed to get your kids to design rockets that will successfully immolate beyond ashes several countries of which we have not become fond.

No, wait. I haven't got that quite right.

Perhaps something like this will be useful for a trip to the planet Titan?

(Credit: CC Erik Charlton/Flickr)

Mission: 10000 Rockets is, in fact, asking kids to imagine what the next generation of space travel might look like. If you can get your kids to walk away from their Grand Theft Auto and design the rockets of the future, they might get their creations actually built.

No, not to full size, but at least they will be brought to physical being by some "cool artists" whose work might just be worth a fortune one day.

A book of all the designs will also be produced, all the proceeds from which will be returned to schools. And eight extremely fortunate schools will receive $5,000 to fund scientific projects in their cash-strapped establishments.

As a recent job advertisement for an astronaut in the Calgary edition of Craigslist proved, there is a renewed enthusiasm in the space project, some of it no doubt engendered by the very real prospect that our own world will shortly disintegrate.

So what better way to make your children productive this weekend than by getting them to design a spacecraft that might, one day, preserve a little humanity for the residents of the Planet Titan to marvel at?

Just because there's a recession, it doesn't mean you can't find your dream job. So allow me to direct your boundless ambition toward an ad on Craigslist's Calgary site.

While many people scour Craigslist to see if Starbucks or Bed, Bath and Beyond might be seeking additions to their cheery teams, the poster of this ad is searching for an altogether more adventurous type, proudly announcing "Astronaut Needed (Northern Alberta)." Is that the cough of a million scoffs I hear? Perhaps. But this is truly an interesting opportunity, to say the least. Just look at the first, enticing sentence of the ad: "Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan."

Perhaps you might be concerned that this ad was not, in fact, placed by NASA. Please, let me put your mind into horizontal mode. The advertiser assures all applicants that he has been "working on this project for near 40 years." Indeed, the only reason he is seeking an Armstrong for his flight is that he himself seems to have weaker limbs now that the years have passed.

You might also be wondering what kind of craft will shuttle you into orbit. Well, again, I can be your Xanax. The advertiser declares that his secret craft is "the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist." You see, this man is a veritable expert in his field. This spaceship enjoys "a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material."

Looks like a fun place to me.

(Credit: CC Flying Singer/Flickr)

Surely, you can have no more concerns. Surely, you are ready to reply to this advertisement, beaming at the idea that you will soon be beamed into the great beyond. Well, in the interests of full disclosure, let me draw your attention to some of the finer details. In the advertiser's own persuasive and humane words: "I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history."

Yes, that's right. You won't be coming back. At all. Ever. So perhaps you might want to check what the nightlife is like on Titan. Because that might be the only way you could really create romantic history.

Should I have failed to deter you from applying for your life's (and death's) dream, do note that the job specs declare that you should be no taller than 5 feet 10 inches and "relatively slim." One imagines that any appearances in a Ralph Lauren advertisement might enhance your chances of being chosen.

Oh, and the advertiser also requires that you should be "mentally sound."

Should you be one of those who believe that men are neanderthal, socially awkward hairy animals while women are socially aware, smoothly sensitive beings, then I have some statistics that might increase your estimation of your own superior judgment.

According to research by Brian Solis, sourcing his data from Google's Ad Planner, the majority of functioning beings on almost all social networking sites are women.

Published on Information Is Beautiful, the numbers might create an encouraging belief that if social networking is the future, then the future is female.

Solis's figures suggest that there is only one major social-networking site that is predominantly male: Digg. I know you'll recoil uncontrollably when I tell you that Digg appears to be 64 percent male.

(Credit: Information Is Beautiful)

On the other hand, LinkedIn and YouTube seem to enjoy an equality of fraternity and sorority. While Twitter, Facebook, FriendFeed, Flickr and MySpace, to name but a few, are all, like the population of Brazil, queendoms.

Perhaps the most extraordinary numbers come from MySpace. Somehow, the rather messy nature of the site, the tradition of an excess of spam and porn, might suggest that this was a male-oriented (slightly sleazy males, some might imagine) haven.

These numbers, however, suggest that MySpace is 64 percent female. Which makes one ruminate as to why the home page currently has so much blue and so little fuchsia.

It will be tempting, indeed, for many to put these figures down to traditional psychological differences between the sexes: women like people and men like, well, peeing in public.

However, one might also conclude that women simply resort to more virtual contact because their real world physical everyday life leaves them rather more dissatisfied than it does men.

Lately there seems to have been much evidence that women are increasingly miserable.

Celebrated and, one might have imagined, happy women such as Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post (The Sad Shocking Truth of How Women Are Feeling) and Maureen Dowd of The New York Times (Blue is the New Black) have lamented the lot of Lot's Wife, Mother, Sister and Daughter.

Might misery be driving women to MySpace?

They pissed it. You may have missed it.

Recently, there was a fascinating glow in the sky that moved observers to ponder just what it might be.

I am assuming that Space.com is an authoritative source of information, for it informs me that the glow that was seen in the sky by so many last Wednesday was, indeed, astronauts' urine.

NASA spokeswoman Kylie Clem told a press conference that this aurora boreapiss was the result of the space shuttle Discovery releasing an unusual amount of water and urine into outer space.

I have never consciously weighed urine--not even my very strange biology teacher asked me to do that. But apparently about 150 pounds of liquid was sprinkled upon the stars.

No, no. This is just a picture of the Shuttle launch.

(Credit: CC Rocknroll Guitar/Flickr)

Such a large release is relatively new, Clem said, and is related to recent restrictions on waste disposal while the space shuttle is docked with the International Space Station.

Regardless, when you release liquid waste matter into space it apparently freezes. Then the sun bathes it in its beams, turning it into vapor, and it wafts away in a glorious glow like a July 4th firework breathing its last.

Some observers even sent pictures in to SpaceWeather.com. (Go to September 10 in the archives.)

I hope this all doesn't mean that astronauts have stopped drinking their recycled urine.

Either way, it is reassuring that their waste matter is still giving someone at least a moment's psychological uplift before it disappears into the dark beyond.

It's not every day that a high school student gets some advice on social networking from a president.

So it was interesting to hear where President Obama's focus lay Tuesday when talking to 40 students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Va., before his nationally broadcast speech to America's schoolkids.

There he was in the school library. Books abounded. Yet his focus fell on Facebook. According to the Associated Press, President Obama asked the 40 assembled kids, all sitting politely on nice wooden chairs, to think very carefully about their socially-networked content.

"Be careful what you post on Facebook. Whatever you do, it will be pulled up again later somewhere in your life," he told the kids.

Now you can see that the president, himself the father of two girls, is worried about the future consequences of present actions.

Is the president right to worry about kids' Facebook postings?

(Credit: CC SEIU International/Flickr)

He is concerned, no doubt, that practices such as sexting and other possibly absurd types of openness on social networking sites might lead to some future calamity.

But I wonder if this is entirely true. One of the strange effects that time has on human life is to render somewhat meaningless the actions of the past.

Once, people might have been concerned if their employee, or, indeed, their president, had smoked pot at some point in their flailing youth. Now, it seems almost a rite of passage. If you didn't at least try it, you seem just faintly peculiar.

Once you reach a certain age, does anyone really care what you did when you were 14? So isn't it fair to wonder just what effect kids' socially networked indiscretions might have 20 years from now?

Might it be that by then social networking will seem so ridiculously normal, that you will seem strange not to have some something embarrassing in your younger days, available for all to see?

Might it be possible that those who eschew a life exposed online will be seen to be the odd ones, rather than those who let what seems to be a little too much hang out?

I know it may be difficult to imagine, viewing it from our current perspective. I know that employers these days often search the Web for incriminating evidence of the misdeeds of potential employees. ("Aagh. He got drunk at a party three years ago! I'm not employing him!")

But it's extraordinary how quickly the apparently abnormal becomes the norm, especially with the accelerated change created by anything Web-based.

Of course, there will be those of you who will have had your heads turned by another aspect of the president's talk.

Why did he say "Facebook"? And not "MySpace"? And not "Twitter"?

I know there will be at least two boardrooms Wednesday where everyone will be terribly concerned about this apparent endorsement of Facebook's ubiquity.

I wonder if the CEOs of MySpace and Twitter will blog about it, or at least slip some bons mots of concern onto their Facebook pages.