Technically Incorrect

Those crafty Microsoft "Laptop Hunters" have been telling you for weeks now that PCs are value and Macs are vanity.

So, while you cling on to what's left of your 401(k) with what's left of your fingernails, here comes a nice blond-haired man to tell you that it costs $30,000 to fill up the latest iPod. Assuming you use iTunes.

Well, I had never thought of it that way. Those little iPod thingies can hold that many songs? Goodness me.

Then I look back at the nice blond-haired man who is advertising the Zune Pass and think: "Hold on, I know you."

Yes, this is Wes Moss, a very nice chap who survived 11 weeks of Donald Trump on "The Apprentice." Which would classify him as a very, very nice chap indeed.

Wes is, allegedly, a certified financial planner. And this new TV ad for the Zune Pass shows that he has done very well for himself.

At WesMoss.com, you can discover some of the principles by which Wes lives long and prospers. The prime phrase seems to be: "Make more. Worry less."

It is a message Wes is very keen to propagate. Indeed, he has a message to anyone organizing, for example, a conference: "Let me know if your speakers have been boring lately--and I'll be happy to come try to lighten things up!"

Wes is, indeed, quite light on his mouth as he explains that if you're one those people hooked on iTunes, you should dedicate $14.99 each month for a Zune Pass. It will make you happier, wealthier and wiser.

Now, I wasn't all that familiar with Zune Pass, but I understand that it allows you to keep 10 songs every month as your own. I know those of you who have technology as one of the permanent buttons on your shirt will correct me if I am even in the remotest part mistaken.

But wouldn't this mean that in order to get those 30,000 songs (which, to me, feels like the goal of having 100,000 Facebook friends, but still...), you would have to wait, let's see, 12 times 10 is 120. 30,000 divided by 120, that would be 250 years, no? And perhaps even more money than $30,000.

Clearly there is something I don't understand, even though Wes is keen to tell me that "one costs a lot and one costs a little." Oh, I see, you just rent the rest of the songs, yes? You get bored of Cat Stevens and you just give him back? Won't Cat be offended? Do they have a list of songs returned? Would Coldplay be at the top?

Still, I do like the fact that this ad has a stance and a familiar face and makes me think that Zune Pass exists. Which means that Zune exists.

Which made me just try another calculation. $15 a month into $30,000, um, that would be 167 years? More or less?

Which means I will make more and worry less with Zune Pass! Because in 167 years, more or less, I will not be here, more or less.

Oh, please tell me. What have I missed here?

It is never my intention to spoil your most intimate pleasures.

However, what is left of my morality cannot hold back some new information about "American Idol."

I know many of you will be glued to your TVs on Tuesday to see what hot (for both sexes, I'm told) favorite Adam Lambert will be performing.

If you have been committed for the last 12 weeks to following this drama of the larynx and the tongue-lashing, you will know that the producers never reveal who actually gained the most votes in any particular week. This would, indeed, spoil the ratings. Um, I mean the high-quality entertainment.

However, a glitchette in the iTunes software seems to have revealed which of the contestants is enjoying the most downloaded love. And this just might be an indicator of voting patterns.

Adam Lambert, contemplating his downloads?

(Credit: "American Idol")

Lambert is, indeed, having the fruits of his vastly ranging throat downloaded the most.

However, in second place is not Danny Gokey, the gawky, raspy-voiced, nice chap, who dances as if he's wearing someone else's trousers.

No, in second place is Kris Allen. Yes, the short chap with the happy face and the, I don't know, mini-John Mayer demeanor--which, I suppose, is better than mini-Verne Troyer.

It seems unclear how the iTunes glitch occurred. Perhaps a fan of the sublimely powerful, cool, confident, deliciously pink-haired 16-year-old Allison Iraheta wanted to encourage more of her fans to get out the vote.

Perhaps it has something to do with Pirate Bay.

However, it surely will make everyone wonder just how many Steve Wozniak votes might have been left on the floor, or in the trash, on that other cultural votefest, "Dancing with the Stars."

Once upon a time, Debbie did Dallas. Monday, Steve Wozniak is fully intending to hump a little Hollywood. Yes, unbridled, uninhibited, unimaginable sex. In the form of the Argentine tango.

His e-mails to his Facebook Support Group have become so detailed, so intimate, that at times, I find myself wondering what it would be like if Woz grabbed me by the digits and whisked me onto the dance floor.

I imagine that his grip might be a little sweaty and uncertain. I also imagine that I would be wishing he were his professional partner, Karina Smirnoff.

However, Woz is determined to be the sexiest entertainer since Ru Paul. (Well, for some.)

In rehearsals for his Argentine tango, he has struggled to find the right eyebrow furrow. You see, the Argentine tango is a love-hate thing. And Woz is struggling with the hate part. You'd think that he would just imagine the judges.

He's also begun to play his dance music while he sleeps. This would lead me to suggest that he succeeded in popping down to his local Apple store, where the nice chaps at the Genius Bar soothed his iTunes back to life, though Woz has not revealed whether his MacBook did, indeed, lose some bits.

Don't think different. Think irrepressibly horny geek.

(Credit: CC Zabara Tango)

Perhaps to dial up the sexiness, so that you will dial up the voting lines, Woz has revealed a sexy joke that is keeping him and Karina in erotic stitches. (Oh, most of you have surely experienced erotic stitches once in your lives.)

It's the one about "the guy who checks into a hotel and asks for his porn channel to be disabled. The clerk tells him that their porn channel is normal and calls him a sick bastard."

Whatever gets you in the mood to tango, I say. And Woz is preparing to create a very special mood on Monday. With the help of Karina's fiance (the man who had to dance with the eliminated Denise Richards), Woz and his partner have concocted a move that seems to suggest that he is lifting up her dress with his foot.

"It's way out of character for this dance, but I can't help it," Wozniak wrote. "I'm sort of treating the judges like voyeurs at a peep show, ha ha ha."

Please, if you have never watched this show, nor ever considered voting for anyone in it, surely the moment has come for you to lay down your inhibitions and watch one of tech's most celebrated figures perform some peep for the peeps.

Then, why not do your technological duty and vote? (the Votewoz Twitter group now numbers more than 92,000).

Woz's Facebook Support Group would like to remind you (as my subjective objectivity forces me to remain impartial) that you can register lots of different e-mail addresses with ABC. This means you can call in 10 votes and e-mail at least 10 votes. If you're clever. Which all of you are.

Perhaps you, too, upon voting, will suddenly imagine that Woz's slightly sweaty hand is reaching out to you, while he whispers: "Let's tango, sugarplum."

(I will, because it is now my moral duty, be watching the show at 8pmPST- it's on at 7pm in the Central Sexuality Zone- and offering my views as soon after the dancing as my excitement allows me to form words. In advance, may I admit that I will, occasionally, be flipping channels to see how the Golden State Warriors are doing against The Grizzlies)

I know that most of you are, by now, so into "Dancing with the Stars" that you are being accused of ADD. Attention to Dancing Disorder.

So please pay attention, because I have an announcement to make. Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak's iTunes has crashed. And it is affecting his rehearsals significantly.

I know that you will all want to join me at the heart of the problem. So here is Woz's own description from his latest e-mail to his Facebook Support Group: "it quits with horrible error messages...odd, since I'd had no crashes of any kind...I hope my MacBook Pro SSD is not losing bits."

I know that some may lose a bit or two at the thought of Woz wandering down to his local Apple Store to get his iTunes fixed. But that is precisely what he intends to do at some point Thursday.

"I think the judges have something to do with these error messages."

(Credit: Cc Dnak)

Here's why this is so important. Woz and his partner, the patient, pouting Karina Smirnoff, will be dancing the Argentine tango next Monday. And the tune to which they will be enacting their PG-13 sex ritual is not one that is familiar to Woz. Buddy Holly wasn't really a tango man.

This means that Woz needs to give it extra listens so that he can capture its rhythms and dark subtleties, and so that he can prepare his body for the moment when Karina wraps one of her legs around him and whispers sweet everythings into his ear, shoulder, or wherever her head ends up.

I don't know which Apple store Woz will choose, but I hope that every Apple employee in the LA area is on red alert.

It's not every day you can participate in helping a tech legend tango his way to the peak of entertainment.

You either like the MGMT track "Kids" or you don't.

The question is: will you like The Mentalists' version, which is played not using instruments, but entirely on iPhones and iPod Touches.

The all-female band downloaded applications from the iPhone App Store and played as if they were deaf to tradition.

Among the downloads was the Ocarina app, which lets you mimic the sound of a flute. They also downloaded Retro Synth and miniSynth, which both help you believe you currently live with the Pet Shop Boys. The drums were performed courtesy of the DigiDrummer Lite app.

But enough about the technology. See whether you think, as I do, that the women sound really rather good, but could work a little on their stagecraft.

Perhaps your ears have, like those of some of my married friends, recently been assaulted with the words "Hey, have you heard the new Jonas Brothers album?"

Perhaps you, too, are concerned about the future of the world, especially with the current confusion as to whether President-elect Obama prefers the iPod or the Zune.

It is time, therefore, for action. And the action should surely begin with iTunes. This most influential of services can and should be more than just an ingenious convenience. It should be our little musical helper. You know, the tuneful shrink that whispers in our ear when we are about to take a dubious musical direction.

One look at this year's Grammy nominations tells you this is the right moment. I am not convinced that even the members of Coldplay believe "Viva La Vida" was their best (or even second best) creation. Yet there it is, with a seemingly endless stream of nominations.

So how about a little Steve Reich?

(Credit: CC Laertes)

And this in a week in which the band was sued by guitarist Joe Satriani. He believes his track "If I Could Fly" was recorded with excessive similarity by the English melancholians. And the song Mr. Satriani believes is excessively similar to his own? Why, the Grammy-nominated (and iPod ad-featured) "Viva La Vida."

So here's what iTunes should do. Every time a user attempts to make a dubious purchase, iTunes should send a message.

Imagine someone is downloading their third Josh Groban track of the day (or of the week, or of the year). A sensitive iTunes algorithm would immediately suggest: Are you sure you want to do that?

Or, perhaps: If you really want to feel miserable, why don't you try a little Leonard Cohen? Or Morrissey? Or 'Button My Lip' by the devastatingly soothing The Miserable Rich?

Or even: We love you, dear customer. But there comes a time in your life when you should enter the world of Shostakovich. This is that time.

The listener would then be offered a free Shostakovich download. Perhaps, in the event of severe Grobanal behavior, the listener might even be made to go cold turkey- no Josh Groban downloads for the next year. Or ten. I know it sounds severe, but we are trying to save world culture here.

Perhaps you feel I am unfairly picking on Mr. Groban's dulcet tonsils. But did his Christmas opus really deserve to be, as the San Francisco Chronicle shivered this week, the second best-selling album of last year?

Which reminds me. It was beaten out of top spot by "High School Musical II." Now will you agree that something needs to be done?

Of course, the software should be democratic enough to allow for some dialog.

Perhaps the purchaser would like to explain his or her urges: I know Josh Groban isn't much good, but there's this girl in class who really likes him a lot. And I like her a lot. iTunes might then answer: Yes, but has she ever heard Van Morrison's 'Crazy Love'? Please believe us, that song can have a very liberating effect on just about everyone.

And what if a customer attempting to download Coldplay declared: I think Gwyneth Paltrow is really cool and I want her family to have even more of my money?

Well, iTunes might reply: But don't you remember Gwyneth singing with Huey Lewis? Isn't that reason enough to try a little Bats For Lashes?

iTunes is a brand with so much positive equity that it is surely in a unique position to help us march to a more enlightened tune. It can make the point of purchase a moment of musical truth.

And it can help adults and children alike to bring sweet and refreshing music (Low vs Diamond, Bang on a Can, Les Blanks, Piotr Andreszewski, to name but four) to their ears.

Even to the ears of those who sit next to them on various forms of public transportation.

Perhaps you are a fan of the gay porn movie Army F*****s. Perhaps you are not.

But surely everyone can sympathize with the English couple, aged a little more than 60, who received a nasty letter from a law firm demanding that they pay around $750 for "copyright infringement."

According to this law firm, the deeply sensitive Davenport Lyons, this couple downloaded all 115 minutes of the aforementioned seminal German gay porn flick.

There is only one potential drawback to this hammer blow for justice. The couple in question don't even know how to download. As in get something onto their desktop from somewhere else.

They told the Guardian newspaper: "We were offended by the title of the film. We don't do porn - straight or gay - and we can't do downloads. We have to ask our son even to do an iTunes purchase."

"Aha", you of a more cynical bent might be thinking. "It must be the son, then." There again, what if I told you that more than 25,000 of these letters have been sent out?

There were several other images I could have put here.

(Credit: CC Umjanedoan)

And, if everyone paid up, this would net the pornographers (with, presumably, a nice little dribble of percentage for their law firm) a sum that cuddles very close to $8 million.

I am unaware of the budget of Army F*****s, but I feel confident in projecting that such a sum would represent a healthy uplift in the pornographers' balance sheet.

Michael Coyle, who is defending some of the folks who are being strong-armed by Davenport Lyons on behalf of the pornography rights holder, told the Guardian: "We've had straight pensioners complain, and a mother who had the shock of having to question her 14-year-old son about gay porn because he was the only apparent user of the internet connection that was registered to her."

It appears that the copyright holders -- who aren't just protecting porn but also games -- are using potentially slippery methods of web identification.

"All they do is find the internet connection, demand the service provider reveal the name and address (not all do) and then send out a letter demanding cash. But the technology is flawed. It is easy to hijack a wireless router especially in a built-up area or a block of flats, so it is never clear who used what," said Mr. Coyle.

You might, at this point, be wondering whether the firm of Davenport Lyons is one that gets some entertainment from chasing trucks full of paramedics.

But no, it appears that the firm enjoys a rather exalted clientele. Including, according to its website, iTunes s.a.r.l. This is the Apple-owned company that runs Apple stores in Europe. Which might make some wonder just what methods the firm might concoct to defend iTunes.

It might also make you wonder whether Apple, in some way, condones this heartily aggressive and, some might consider, less than discriminating style of lawyering.

Naturally, the deeply sensitive chaps at Davenport Lyons are claiming that those who have done not downloaded their clients' artistic endeavors illegally have nothing to be worried about.

But how many elderly or just plain scared people are getting these demands and simply paying up to avoid embarrassment or legal costs they fear they can't afford?

There are already several discussion threads on this subject, including slyck.com .

I would hate to think that there are hordes of miscreants out there who have enjoyed the exalted stolen pleasures of Army F*****s for free.

However, when it comes to seeking justice, one would have thought that, as in the finest of pornography (so I'm told), seduction works rather better than, um, ham-fistedness.

Nike, having already collaborated with LCD Soundsystem on the creation of music that might enhance running performance, is now commissioning more young musicians to create tunes specifically for your sweaty ears.

A key in finding music that will improve your performance, some experts believe, is Beats Per Minute (BPM). The more beats in every 60 seconds, the more strides you are likely to take.

However, I understand that aerobic performance might also be enhanced by the rearrangement of a song's lyrics.

The Taylor and Francis Journal of Sports Science published research that concluded: "When selecting music for an individual, the effects of personal associations should be considered. For example, a boxer may have conditioned him or herself by listening to a certain piece of music prior to fighting. Where possible, practitioners should attempt to encourage the formation of such personal associations and harness their power."

If you make the lyrics more meaningful to you, then you will experience a heightened emotional involvement which will drive your body to more intense action.

Indeed, several of the more influential personalities of today's troubled world have been trying to find an extra edge through their ears. Some have, allegedly, commissioned well-known lyricists, producers and performers to reimagine existing works, specifically to improve their aerobic efficiency through their iPod-coddled ears.

I understand that Steve Jobs himself has had the Village People's YMCA reworked by Coldplay. The new personal jogger version has a much faster tempo and, in honor of Apple's successes when recently presenting its case to the recording industry's association, is entitled RIAA.

John McCain, who is said to take regular power walks up and down several of his homes in his singlet and shorts, managed to persuade Latino star (Mave)Ricky Martin to redo the Beach Boys' classic Barbara Ann.

Performance enhanced by iPod?

(Credit: CC Mark from Borft)

To a fast, repetitive and haunting beat, the words assault the ears and make the listener run for the hills. But they are not the "Ba'mb, Ba'mb, Ba-Ba'mb Iran" lyrics with which Mr. McCain once regaled an audience. No, no. Instead we have:
"Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba-Barbra Bush.
Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba-Barbra Bush...".

Strangely, the verses include the line:
"Went to a dance,
looking for romance,
Saw Barbara Bush
and my insides turned to mush....".

You see, aerobic exercise and a traditional view of love really do go together.

Barack Obama is not one to be outdone. So it is not surprising that he has jumped on the personalized iPod running content bandwagon. Apparently, he managed to persuade Stevie Winwood, a star from quite a long time ago, to recreate his hit "Valerie".

Some of the words make for very moving listening:
"Hillareeee.. Call on me.
Hillareee, Call on me..
Come and see me...
I'll be here in the morning at three...."

Clearly, it helps to have the right connections to create your own jogging accompaniment. But perhaps Apple will consider allowing anyone to recreate their own performance-enhancing versions as part of the iTunes service.

More royalties for the artists. More loyalties for Apple.

I, for one, have a new version of the Vengaboys' Boom Boom Boom Techno Trance Dance Mix that I'd like Radiohead to have a look at.

Perhaps you, too, would like to share the ways in which you would like some of your favorite songs rewritten and rearranged for performance-enhancing purposes?