I often wake up with a tune playing in my head. I don't know why it's that particular tune, and sometimes I waterboard myself for hours trying to find the reason for this apparently random madness.
This morning, for example, it was that Spanish Lullaby song that Madonna numbed us with some time around the last century. (I never said it was only good songs that blared in my internal jukebox.)
So why might one's mind have been invaded by "La Isla Bonita?" Was it because this time last year I was in Spain, sipping sangria with some dubious Europeans? Was it because last night I saw a trailer of a new film directed by Madonna's last husband? Was it because I hadn't had enough sleep?
All this thinking is painful and useless, but it has brought me to an idea for Apple: it's time the company took the apparent randomness of the iPod Shuffle and made it mean something.
Might I propose that Apple creates an iPod that, whenever worn on your person, can immediately discern your mood? Please imagine that this new iPod, let's call it the iPod Shrink, is a tiny little thing that has within it even tinier sensors that monitor your heart rate, your blood pressure, your digestive calm, even your sweat level.
On the basis of this entirely factual information, the iPod Shrink would then select the precise piece of music that would match your mood. It's important to consider just what is meant by "match your mood."
Perhaps you, the moody consumer, might have the ability to ask the iPod Shrink to enhance your mood or to counteract it.
If you ask for counteraction and the machine sees that you're miserable, the iPod Shrink would bypass "My Immortal" by Evanescence, "Creep" by Radiohead or anything by James Blunt and go straight to "I Feel Good" by James Brown or the utterly classic Manilow rendition of "Copacabana." For enhancement, it would do the reverse.
If it detected anger, it could soothe you with some Bebel Gilberto or stoke your fires with some Sex Pistols. If it detected concern, it might offer the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris." Or, alternatively, something from Disturbed's fine little album "The Sickness."
Perhaps the greatest surprise for you, the iPod Shrink owner, would be to discover what mood you are actually in. After all, your little device would be more familiar with the true scientific nature of your innards than would you. So your own self-knowledge would surely be enhanced by such a wickedly wily machine.
This could be a very big seller. It would certainly make me look more kindly on the self-absorbed, frustrated, preening, angst-ridden waddlers in the gym.
I am not concerned about the future, only because I am told that humans will soon be in the clutch and thrall of robots and perfect harmony will be enjoyed by all. However, I must register the initial frisson of disturbia I experienced on reading a report from the Boston Globe magazine that suggests the iPhone may be a wise toy for 3-year-olds.
No, this is not some mocking suggestion that those who use an iPhone do, indeed, have the minds of children less than 4. It is, rather, a fascinating analysis of what happens when you just hand a 3-year-old an iPhone with the initial aim of keeping the little rodent in your life quiet.
It seems the iPhone's happy, colorful design is not only a great attraction for a little child's imagination, but the keyboard tends to suit tinier fingers rather better than larger ones.
Indeed, there is a considerable possibility that the iPhone might just help in children's education, something app developers have not been slow to realize. The Globe tells us that 60 percent of the apps in the education section of the iTunes store target extremely little people.
Now I know there will be those who worry that if you give a little one an iPhone they will be zapped with gamma rays and all sorts of deleterious electronic waves that will seep into their brains and be an enormous health risk.
One might heed the words of Dariusz Leszczysnki, a researcher for the Radiation and Nuclear Safety Authority in Finland, who told a Senate subcommittee: "In my opinion the current safety standards are not sufficiently supported because of the very limited research on human volunteers, children, and on the effects of long-term exposures in humans."
But most of the things parents give children to keep them quiet carry a certain risk to health: plastic toys that kids lick, bite, and try to swallow with the result that all sorts of paint and gunk might enter their bodies; candy that children lick, bite, and try to swallow with the result that they then put on weight; and let's not even start with the quality of teenage babysitting in the world.
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I have no idea why people run marathons.
It seems a peculiar act of masochism in which people actually die. (As evidence, might I point to two deaths in the recent San Jose, Calif., half-marathon.)
But many humans seem to enjoy the pain and the sense of achievement they feel when they finally get wrapped up in BacoFoil like a Sunday chicken.
So why should they be prevented from humming along to a little Jo Jo Gunne or being soothed by a lecture from Dr. Sanjay Gupta along the way?
I only ask because in the recent and extremely celebrated Lakefront Marathon in Milwaukee, Jennifer Goebel was disqualified from her rightful position of winner.
According to the Journal-Sentinel, Goebel was garlanded with victory only after Cassie Peller, who actually ran the fastest, was erased from the podium because she accepted liquid from someone who was not manning an official watering station. Which does seem to be on the wrong side of fastidious.
Goebel was then declared to have won. But her afterglow of superiority only lasted a couple of days.
Some no doubt anally mean-spirited individual examined a photo of Goebel taken during the race and noticed an iPod discreetly tucked into her shorts.
Goebel, a massage therapist in real life, was competing in the elite part of the marathon and these highly tuned women are subject to the whims of the USA Track and Field bureaucracy.
These waxy eared folks frown on the use of iPods while sweating. Well, at least I think they do. It appears that the rule was changed not so long ago to allow race directors the discretion to ignore the rule if they so choose.
Goebel is, understandably, somewhat miffed.
"I wasn't listening to it earlier in the race," she told the Journal-Sentinel. "I wasn't going to put the music on unless I thought I needed it."
And of course she needed it. Running a marathon is the athletic equivalent of knitting a wedding marquee.
As Goebel herself so eloquently put it: "If you're bored, it pumps you up a little bit. Sometimes, on a long training run, I'll bring it along for the last half hour. When I run marathons sometimes I carry it and never put it on."
She only listened between miles 19 and 21, which--if you ask most runners--is the time that you are ready to eat raw elk and physically assault a mail box.
Anyone who believes it will improve their life to don a pair of New Balance and run until their knees squeak like wounded varmints should not be subjected to silly little rules. They should be allowed to eat, drink and listen to whatever gets them to the other end of the experience.
Although perhaps there should be a no Kenny G rule? For safety's sake, you understand.
You have, perhaps, been taking additional fiber since you heard about the iPhone farting-app litigation.
iFart was fingered by Pull My Finger for using a phrase redolent of nothing more than a very happy night among very sad people.
I can now reveal that the evil odor is over. Fresher air has prevailed. The two farting apps have partaken of a peace pipe and declared the spat to have blown over. They have even created a new app to prove that the air is now safe to breathe.
(Credit:
iFart and Pull My Finger)
However, should you have not had so much as a sniff of these happenings, please let me throw caution to the wind and explain.
You see, many inspiring minds have been dedicated to creating the most fragrant farting apps. Yet the chaps at Air-o-Matic (why didn't they call the company Air-o-Mantic?) decided to release lawyers upon the alleged bums at InfoMedia, the makers of iFart.
"You're pulling our legs, if you use the phrase 'pull my finger'," the Airheads might have said. "We have the trademark."
Yet the infidels from Infomedia contended that the phrase was part of the language. As steam rose from each company's base, no one could be sure if these fine conglomerates would be able to smell the roses.
Even our generation's Walter Cronkite, Jon Stewart of "The Daily Show," failed to exert the principles of Camp David upon these purveyors of stench warfare.
So how nostril-positive it is to hear that the noxiousness has been replaced by a joint app created in one corporate bathroom.
Yes, let us welcome the Clear The Air app, which is being offered free to all iPhone and iPod Touch finger pullers.
Clear the Air, the product of some brilliant 30,000-foot thinking, offers you four methods to make the oxygen around you more uplifting. You can turn on a desk fan, spray a little deodorizer, open a window, or even push your finger on an aircon button.
This vastly imaginative solution is proof that any dispute can be solved, once you create the right atmosphere.
While declaring that letting the lawyers win in litigation was clearly beneath both companies, InfoMedia's Joel Comm went on to suggest in a press release that it was "more in the spirit of humanity to find a way to work together".
What a lovely day it is, when the bottom falls out of a lawyer's fees.
Who do you share your iPod playlist with?
Your lover? Your lover's husband? Your colleagues at the office? The strangely smelling man who sits next to you on the bus?
Well, researchers at the University of Cambridge have a message for you. It reads: "Don't."
According to these flatland boffins, your values, your personality, even your ethnicity, and social class (well, it is England, after all) will be judged by what you slip onto your iPod.
Jason Rentfrow, the chap who dreamed up this vital and surprising study at the university's Department of Social and Developmental Psychology, declared to the Telegraph that letting others sneak a peek at your Blondie and Mahler may "reinforce stereotypes and, potentially social prejudices."
He added: "This research suggests that, even though our assumptions may not be accurate, we get a very strong impression about someone when we ask them what music they like."
You will, I know, both fear and adore some of Rentfrow's conclusions. Those who have a predilection for jazz are, supposedly, liberal, friendly, and sociable. Well, of course. That's what pleasantly discordant music has always said about anyone.
Clearly a cheerful, optimistic, quiet-spoken, philanthropic type.
(Credit: CC Stephen Hucker/Flickr)However, those who love classical music should beware of showing their iPod even to their children. Especially to their children. You see, while classical music elicits some positive traits, such as intelligence (really), it also rings with it an aura of dullness, ugliness, and a lack of athleticism.
And, please get this (and keep it), those committed to electronica are viewed as "a bit neurotic".
Yes, someone paid for this wisdom. Sadly, not Rentfrow. Perhaps I am too cynical, too liberal, or just too into Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel. Perhaps I am made slightly intemperate because I am a graduate of this Cambridge University. Yes, in those social and political sciences.
However, what I learned in my studies is that people are generally quite a wicked lot. They make judgments about others all day. They do this mainly in the hope of making themselves feel better. They do this mainly so that they can take a rest from confronting their own deeply trifling lives.
They judge your shoes. (God, not Aldo) They judge your shirt. (Has to be Ross Dress-For-Less) They judge your hairdo. (Supercuts, surely) And they judge your taste in men, women and pets. (I fear he likes all three)
It constitutes nothing other than a reflection on their own fine, deteriorating selves. Yes, you can choose to be moved by their prejudices. And many are. Especially those who adore Kraftwerk.
However, an alternative is to fill your iPod with Nigel Kennedy's wonderful rendition of Beethoven's Violin Concerto, followed by some Arctic Monkeys, followed by a little A-Ha and Abdullah Ibrahim.
And then perhaps a couple of Brahms's Hungarian Dances, some Argentinian folk music, a dollop of Steel Pulse and a little T-Rex, not forgetting some Waylon Jennings, some Lambchop, a small sprig of mid-period Britney, some Glasvegas, some Sweet Billy Pilgrim and a little Southside Johnny. All smartly rounded up by a touch of Wagner, some of William Shatner's finest recordings and a sprinkling of Big Squirrel.
Before you know it, they'll be calling you Renaissance Man.
And before you know that you really may not be Renaissance Man, you'll be thinking up some more pressing subjects to research.
Yes, we are all vulnerable, pathetic beings. But if we really have to worry about telling others what music we have on our iPods, then we might as well relinquish what remains of our selves and join the Miley Cyrus Fan Club.
Sex is wasted on the young. Or was that youth? I can't quite remember.
In any case, the youth of the United Kingdom seem to be so keen on unprotected sex that local health authorities are offering various tech gadgets as incentives for STD testing.
According to the Daily Mail, medical professionals believe that 10 percent of those between the ages of 16 and 24 in the U.K. have chlamydia, a nasty bacterial infection that appears to be spreading faster than foreclosures.
The big problem with chlamydia is that it doesn't generally come with sores, cankers, or pain. This means that sufferers can carry it for many years entirely undetected.
Local health authorities are therefore attempting to bribe callow youths into their clinics in order to be tested.
And what better way to bribe them than with gadgets?
If you commit to an inspection in Camden, North London, you could win an iPod.
In Northamptonshire, your prize could be a Nintendo Wii.
Whereas in Nottinghamshire, they really feel the need to offer something more meaningful to counteract the after-effects of a night of meaningless sex. Yes, you could be the proud owner of a Fujitsu laptop.
If caught early, chlamydia can be treated with a relatively straightforward course of antibiotics. However, if it is allowed to take up long-term residence, it can lead to infertility and other problems.
Of course, any number of tech incentives cannot substitute for something rather more simple--a little education.
"Unless you change primary behavior and you teach the young that the only safe sex you can have is with someone you know well enough to trust, then treatment is just a sticking plaster solution," Dr. Trevor Stammers, a spokesman for the Family Education Trust told the Mail.
Still, it's heartening to know that iPods and Wiis are doing their little bit to help young Brits not pay too high a price for their undisciplined ways. I blame the colonial heritage.
Here is a piece of advice, sponsored by whoever it is that controls the world.
If you're going to be struck by lightning, it is a good idea to have your iPod headphones around your neck (though not in your ears).
I bring you this exciting counsel because I have just encountered the story of 14-year-old Sophie Frost of Southend-on-Sea, England.
According to reports in a variety of British newspapers, Frost was sheltering beneath a fine English tree on Monday evening when the great gods of lightning--Fulgora (for those with a Roman bent), Indra (for those of Hindu inclination), and Tlaloc (let's not forget the Aztecs)--decided to waft a bolt her way.
I do not believe that Fulgora, Indra, or Tlaloc had it in for Sophie. I simply conjecture that they were annoyed the Lakers had won it all.
Frost, who was holding hands with her boyfriend under the tree, remembers nothing of what happened, but her burnt skin and clothes tell the tale.
According to her mother, doctors say she survived because she had her iPod headphones hanging around her neck.
"The doctors say her iPod saved her. Her nan (editors note: a cute word for grandma) only bought it a few days ago. Luckily, she wasn't actually wearing the headphones. If she had been, she might not be here today," her mother told the Sun.
The teen herself added: "Everybody's said the iPod must have diverted the lightning away from my body, which probably saved my life. I've got a few burns, but it's all healing OK."
Apparently, the Daily Express reported, the fact that she was wearing shoes and holding hands with her beau didn't hurt either.
A representative at Broomfield Hospital in Chelmsford told CNET that the young patient went home Thursday.
Her boyfriend, Mason Billington, does have some eye damage, but it is hoped he will recover fully.
The same could not be said of her iPod. Indeed, her mother said that her daughter seemed more worried about the iPod's fate than anything else.
Don't you understand, Mrs. Frost? It was almost, like, brand new.
One should always admire those with a hearty sense of priorities.
So I know you will all feel a tinge of soulful embrace towards a 16-year-old Tampa girl who was faced with a very difficult decision.
She was reportedly walking across the road and, calamity, dropped her iPod, according to an Associated Press story on WESH.com
Having reached the other side, she had but a moment to consider her next move. Should she let the downloaded Miley, Kylie, and for all I know, Pete Wylie get crushed beneath the wheels of a pickup truck?
Or should she herself risk getting crushed by a pickup truck in order to save her irreplaceable little white machine?
This was a no-brainer.
The unnamed 16-year-old is recovering from what may or may not be a broken leg, the story said.
News of the condition of the iPod has not been released. But one can only hope that its remarkable innards have not been affected by this traumatic experience.
Those crafty Microsoft "Laptop Hunters" have been telling you for weeks now that PCs are value and Macs are vanity.
So, while you cling on to what's left of your 401(k) with what's left of your fingernails, here comes a nice blond-haired man to tell you that it costs $30,000 to fill up the latest iPod. Assuming you use iTunes.
Well, I had never thought of it that way. Those little iPod thingies can hold that many songs? Goodness me.
Then I look back at the nice blond-haired man who is advertising the Zune Pass and think: "Hold on, I know you."
Yes, this is Wes Moss, a very nice chap who survived 11 weeks of Donald Trump on "The Apprentice." Which would classify him as a very, very nice chap indeed.
Wes is, allegedly, a certified financial planner. And this new TV ad for the Zune Pass shows that he has done very well for himself.
At WesMoss.com, you can discover some of the principles by which Wes lives long and prospers. The prime phrase seems to be: "Make more. Worry less."
It is a message Wes is very keen to propagate. Indeed, he has a message to anyone organizing, for example, a conference: "Let me know if your speakers have been boring lately--and I'll be happy to come try to lighten things up!"
Wes is, indeed, quite light on his mouth as he explains that if you're one those people hooked on iTunes, you should dedicate $14.99 each month for a Zune Pass. It will make you happier, wealthier and wiser.
Now, I wasn't all that familiar with Zune Pass, but I understand that it allows you to keep 10 songs every month as your own. I know those of you who have technology as one of the permanent buttons on your shirt will correct me if I am even in the remotest part mistaken.
But wouldn't this mean that in order to get those 30,000 songs (which, to me, feels like the goal of having 100,000 Facebook friends, but still...), you would have to wait, let's see, 12 times 10 is 120. 30,000 divided by 120, that would be 250 years, no? And perhaps even more money than $30,000.
Clearly there is something I don't understand, even though Wes is keen to tell me that "one costs a lot and one costs a little." Oh, I see, you just rent the rest of the songs, yes? You get bored of Cat Stevens and you just give him back? Won't Cat be offended? Do they have a list of songs returned? Would Coldplay be at the top?
Still, I do like the fact that this ad has a stance and a familiar face and makes me think that Zune Pass exists. Which means that Zune exists.
Which made me just try another calculation. $15 a month into $30,000, um, that would be 167 years? More or less?
Which means I will make more and worry less with Zune Pass! Because in 167 years, more or less, I will not be here, more or less.
Oh, please tell me. What have I missed here?
"Her majesty is far more down with technology than other ones might think."
(Credit: CC TF Duesing/Flickr)Imagine the Queen of England hitching up her tartan skirt and twirling around one of the large, but I'm guessing cold, drawing rooms at Buckingham Palace with U2's "In the Name of Love" transmitted down her earholes via characteristic white earphones.
Yes, President Obama has just gifted the queen an iPod.
Now we can all delight in the mere thought that the Her Majesty, or Liz, as some in her native land call her, will be perched over a MacBook and downloading a little Celine Dion or some early Snoop.
Four years ago, when she was conferring an honorary knighthood upon the burdened shoulders of Bill Gates, the queen admitted she had never used a computer. But these days she is no tech-illiterate. She has her own BlackBerry, just like the president's.
And I have very bad news for the president. The queen already has an iPod. At least two, it seems.
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