A squat little man with dubious hair and a penchant for suggesting people place their mouths near his shorts has been robocalling on behalf of the Church of Scientology.
Yes, Bart Simpson. (Who on earth did you think I was talking about?)
The Village Voice reported that Nancy Cartwright, the lady who is Bart's tonsils, called many people to invite them to a Scientology event. And she used her Bart impression to make an impression.
The Voice quotes Cartwright's call: "'This is Bart Simpson' -- she quickly says she's just kidding and identifies herself. But she keeps talking in the voice of Bart as she announces 'I'm now auditing on New OTVII,' says that she will "share my many wins" as an "auditor" at a the Hollywood Scientology event, and assures us, "It's gonna be a blast, man! (Bart laugh)'"
(I believe that 'OTVII' and 'auditing' are technical terms of Scientology, rather than banking.)
One of the robocalls (Ms. Cartwright is, indeed, a Scientologist) seems to have fallen on the wrong ears and some might find the recording just faintly odd.
Who am I to say that L. Ron Hubbard, the Church's founder, is not the second coming of deity? Or of hucksterism? But I am not entirely sure that Bart Simpson would be fond of some of the Church's slightly outside-the-sandbox beliefs.
I have a feeling Bart would not warm to videos such as this Scientological YouTube Classic, in which Tom Cruise's eyes express far more than they did in Vanilla Sky.
Please could any of you suggest what Reverend Lovejoy might have said on receiving Ms. Cartwright's robocall? Would he have thought the event might be a 'blast'?
We live in times when celebrities become mayors, governors, even presidents. They use their good looks and power to speak out about all the important things in the world. Like cancer. And fur.
Which is, perhaps, why Sense About Science, an organization that exists to give a little scientific perspective in the midst of our madness, has published the Celebrities and Science Review 2008.
This delightfully downloadable pdf shows celebrities for what they really are: somewhat deficient. Scientifically speaking.
The report barely conceals its glee at what it sees as some of the magnificent nonsense that has emerged from celebrity brains, navigated celebrity tonsils and popped out from celebrity mouths in 2008.
Here is Kelly Osbourne, daughter of Prince of Darkness, Ozzie Osbourne, talking about her mother's cancer: "Because of her history of colon cancer she is absolutely convinced the Pill caused the disease. I don't have a microwave in my house for the same reason."
The best scientific evidence apparently suggests that the Pill reduces the risk of cancer. It simply doesn't eliminate it. And there is no evidence, the scientists say, that microwaves cause cancer.
The Review is critical of the spit parties organized by Anna Wojcicki, wife of Sergey Brin, and founder of 23andMe, a company that tries to identify people's genetic markers.
It quotes clinical scientist Mike Hallworth on the subject: "Genetic testing is not fun if it makes you think you're likely to develop a devastating disease or gives you false reassurance. Very often, the evidence linking genetics to individual outcomes simply isn't good enough yet. And 'high quality but limited scientific evidence' is a bit like 'a definite maybe' - a contradiction in terms!"
One can only imagine the smirk on scientific faces when they included this quote from Ivanka Trump, a spit party attendee: "I have a very low chance of becoming obese. That makes me exceedingly happy." Perhaps even happier than plastic surgery might make her.
The Review's authors go on to dismiss Barack Obama's and John McCain's views on autism, Sarah Palin's deep thoughts on fruit flies, and Julianne Moore, Demi Moore, Oprah Winfrey and Kate Moss on such varying subjects as 'natural' chemicals and detox diets.
The authors aim some of their toppest guns towards Tom Cruise, who sagely declared: "Psychiatry doesn't work. [...] When you study the effects it's a crime against humanity."
Professor Simon Wessely, a psychiatrist from Kings College, London shoots back: "The real crime against humanity continues to be the enduring misery caused by the major mental illnesses across the globe, and the continuing lack of resources devoted to supporting those afflicted and their families and to improving our currently inadequate treatments."
I found myself cheering for the scientists, until the Report's very last page. (Yup, I read all of it.)
For some strange reason they decided to go after the entirely innocent Mariah Carey and her explanation for naming the latest showcase of her modest talents e=mc2. She explained: "Emancipation equals Mariah Carey times two."
A painfully humorless mathematician, Dr. David Leslie, retorts in the Report: "Unfortunately, Mariah has misread the algebra. The two in the equation means c squared, not mc multiplied by two. The correct reading of the equation is E=mcc, so perhaps Mariah's re-interpretation should have been "Emancipation equals Mariah Carey Carey"? I would have been very happy to chat with her and check it out before she went to print."
Oh, come on, Dr. Leslie, why would Mariah need to confirm her artistic interpretations with you? I mean, you're no Oprah, are you?
The Chief Yahooey, Jerry Yang, has had enough.
Enough of journalists, bloggers, analysts, and all those who claim to know more about running his business than he does.
The simple fact is that he should have slipped down to Shutters on the Beach last weekend and met with two of the world's most important people, people who themselves have endured criticism from Lesser Beings.
Actor Tom Cruise and President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.
Is there any question that these two could help Mr. Yang solve the Yahoo crisis? Here's how it might have gone.
"I am glad you called me," begins Mr. Cruise. "As I've said before, when you see a car crash, only a Scientologist can help."
"I'm don't know what Ballmer believes," replies Yang, "so that explains a lot.... Hold on, Yahoo is NOT a wreck. We're very profitable."
"Have you ever had an audit?" asks Cruise.
"Of course. Our numbers are great," protests Yang.
"I mean an audit from the great firm of L, Ron and Hubbard," says Cruise.
"Who?"
"In the Church of Scientology, we give you an audit that looks at your purity, your morals, your ethics. You know, the big stuff," explains Cruise.
"Everyone knows I am completely ethical," insists Yang.
"That severance plan, though," says Cruise. "I mean, come on, Jerry. That wasn't exactly helping your would-be Thetans, er, I mean, shareholders."
Before Yang can answer, President Chavez, who has been smiling beatifically in his direction, leans forward, gesticulating wildly: "Man, I LOVED that severance thing you did. Now that was socialism at its finest. Just when the Great Satan wants to take you over, you give your people an extra incentive to leave. I tried that with my enemies in Venezuela. But you're doing it with your friends. Incredible."
"Oh, thank you," says a touched Yang.
"Now you need to rise above all those capitalists," continues Chavez.
"How do you mean?" asks Yang, chewing on his second strawberry shortcake.
"Well, I have a brother who's education minister, a cousin who is in charge at our oil company and my Dad is a state governor. You must have SOME family you can put in charge of everything.."
"There's my wife," says Yang.
"Ah, I've had two of them. I prefer blood relations. Just remove your Board of Directors and keep it all in the family. You know, cousins, uncles, that sort of thing."
(Credit:
Danny Sullivan)
At this point, Mr. Cruise chimes in again: "I love that family part. Can you go on Oprah, jump up and down on her sofa and tell the world how much you love your wife?"
"Won't people think I'm crazy?" wonders Yang.
"There's no such thing as crazy, Jerry. Just don't take any anti-depressants."
"Well, I've been a little stressed lately," admits Mr. Yang.
"Jerry, you are an immortal, spiritual being," says Mr. Cruise, firmly.
"Unless the Great Satan tries to eliminate you," gruffs Chavez, looking a little tired of Cruise's science fiction.
"You can survive elimination, Jerry. Go to scientology.org. Life is eight dynamics. You just get all eight to work in harmony and you will survive anything."
"How do I do that?" asked Yang, temporarily mesmerized.
"By selling Yahoo to the Church of Scientology, Jerry," says Cruise. "We can help your searchers find. We can help your groups discover everlasting union. And we can show you how to make a lot more money. I mean, do you know how much Travolta gives the Church every time he makes a movie?"
"Callate, hijo!" exclaims a suddenly heated Chavez. "I came here to make an offer myself. I want to buy Yahoo on behalf of my country. I would make it compulsory for everyone in Venezuela to become a Yahoo member. That's 26 million new customers. And each would have a share in the company. Naturally, my family would have all the voting shares."
"But that's corrupt."
"No, business is corrupt, my friend. I am talking the Ideal Paternalistic Socialism. Like your original Yahoo. Think about it. No more Wall Street. No more bigmouth shareholders. No more uncertainty. And we can find out what Jenna Bush is writing to her friends," concludes Chavez, a sweet smile imposing a military coup on his lips.
As Jerry looks on, wondering how it is that these are his two remaining white knights, Mr. Cruise gets up on the hotel sofa and screams: "YES, ICAHN!!!! NO, HE CAHN'T!!!"
The Venezuelan President joins in the chant. But at this very moment, Jerry Yang decides to go with Tom Cruise. The man was in Mission Impossible, after all.
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