Technically Incorrect

I wouldn't for a moment think that anyone working late on something frightfully significant in Redmond would conceive of alcohol as a means to help them through their engineer's block.

But just in case there is one tortured soul who might be tempted to have a six-pack delivered to his cubicle, I have some difficult news.

i-Booze, the Seattle-based folks to whom you used to be able to turn online for a swift delivery of soothing liquids, seems to have fallen on difficult times.

For Techflash has delivered the information that not only has i-Booze failed to secure a license to sell liquor but that its enterprising founder, Karim Varela, uncorked a plea bargain on two misdemeanor charges of selling alcohol without a license and illegal possession of alcohol with intent to sell.

Isn't Epic a lovely name for a beer?

(Credit: CC Epic Beer/Flickr)

In truth, i-Booze isn't i-Booze any more. While the idea reportedly came to Varela when he was in jail for DUI, there were those who felt the name might be something of an incitement to excess. So the company recently changed its name to Dilky.com.

Which some might find a more neutral moniker, but I find my neural association membrane immediately goes to "alky."

In speaking to Techflash, Varela did not sound confident of Dilky's resurrection: "We are still working with the city and the liquor control board to regain a license, but it is a difficult battle."

Prohibition is not quite at hand, though. Anne Radford of the Washington State Liquor Control Board said the board will look into the matter over the next couple of weeks.

Meanwhile, Varela is hoping that former customers and those who would like to be current customers might lobby the board with a human rights appeal. Or perhaps offers of a free wine-tasting trip. (Some details exaggerated here.)

What hope he has, Varela is putting into the presence of a new Seattle City Attorney Pete Holmes, who replaced someone called Tom Carr.

"We feel our downfall was mostly due to ex City Attorney Tom Carr's battle against bars, clubs, and alcohol in Seattle and we just got caught up in the middle when really we're providing a beneficial service for the community," Varela told Techflash.

A beneficial service, indeed. I would happily use it were it to descend to the Bay Area. However, it might also have helped if the service had benefited from a name such as i-Pinot or i-(De)liver rather than the somewhat provocative i-Booze.

In the place where they struck oil, they might, on hearing this news, be struck dumb.

You see, as I wandered through the pages of eBay in search of some fine and modern cooking utensils, I came across something that forced my digestive system to ask questions of my cerebellum.

(Credit: eBay)

For there (here, indeed) was what seemed to be a brand new Xbox 360 for sale at the most reasonable sum of $1.1 million.

This, as your own cerebellum might be whispering to you, is no ordinary Xbox. For this pristine machine was signed by former governor of Alaska and current literary figure Sarah Palin.

The enervatingly enterprising vendor of this quite frankly priceless technological specimen is David Morrill (that's Morrill, not Imorrill) who claims he resides in Alberta, Canada.

He says he took a trip to Alaska and made sure it coincided with the then-governor's picnic on July 24.

He claims he pushed his way through the crowd to get within sniffing distance of the great Alaskan's hem, told her he had traveled three days just to see her, and asked her to sign his Xbox.

In this tough economy, forearmed is better than forewarned.

At least that seems to be the view of Mark Muller, owner of Max Motors in Clay County, Mo. Because, in August, he is offering a free AK-47 with every vehicle sold.

You might think this promotion a little on the eccentric side. However, Muller is no lily-livered Collapsenikov.

He believes in standing up for one's right to defend oneself. Indeed, he has a motto for his dealership that expresses his feelings very clearly: "God, Guns, Guts and American Pick-up Trucks."

You might wonder how on earth he came to devise such an outlandish, and perhaps slightly unnerving, promotion.

Well, last year he offered a free handgun. And, in an interview with CNN (embedded here), he said: "It spiked our Web traffic and we sold, we estimate, 35 more cars during the promotion than we normally would have."

So the seductive power of the gun seems to work on those who choose the Web to find the best deals.

This year, Muller said, he is looking to sell 100 extra vehicles, hence the attempt to locate your inner Rambo.

Muller explained to CNN: "Look, there's a bunch of evil in the world and we need to protect ourselves."

He added: "There's a tremendous crime problem around here with people doing meth. These people have lost their souls. They don't care about you. They don't care about me. They care about getting more dope."

Hence the need, according to Muller, for something stronger than a little handgun.

In case you were wondering whether he will have a pile of AKs in his showroom, from the top of which he'll take one and present it to every purchaser, well, it's not quite so glamorous.

He will offer a voucher that the lucky truck-owner can take down to a gun store and go through the proper vetting procedure before he gets his precious free gift. Which, should you suddenly feel the urge to pack extra protection, will set you back a mere $450.

However, Muller is keen to point out that just because he lives in a more rural area, this promotion is not indicative of some sort of uncultured nature on his part.

He was quoted in the Telegraph as explaining: "They think we are all cross-eyed rednecks down here. We are not. Tonight I am going to the theater with my wife to see Anything Goes and we will eat sushi on the way."

I am sure there will be at the very least a handgun tickling his hip as he nibbles on his rainbow roll.

However, I feel confident that Muller's strategy will prove to be a good one.

Next year, when he looks to send his Web traffic soaring in an attempt to sell 200 more vehicles, I feel sure he will offer bazookas, a mortar or two, perhaps even a rocket launcher.

If anyone were to give you a horse, would you peer all the way past its teeth to check for, I don't know, human heads?

I only ask because a site called ItemNotAsDescribed.com (tagline: Free is a Four-Letter Word) has dedicated itself to examining some of the free offers on Craigslist. Specifically, the site exists to expose the worst of the free in the Land of the Free.

For example, from Tucson's Craigslist come some book shelves, which have seen better days but clearly can't remember them. The ad for the shelves declares: "in the alley by the dumpster is a utility shelf made of wood for free. Someone left it there - please dont inquire - just come and get it."

The ItemNotAsDescribed poster adds: "For storing your least valuable possessions - the ones you're openly hostile towards. 'Here you go, fourth-place trophy, 2008 Fourth of July Chili Cook-Off. Enjoy your new home [mumbles obscenities]'."

Perhaps, though, you'd prefer these smashed-up ceramic tiles from the Humboldt Craigslist? Advertised as: "About 150 broken tan colored ceramic tiles that would be great for art projects," they look a little, well, utterly useless.

Er, no. I didn't find this on Craigslist.

(Credit: CC Fengergold/Flickr)

The ItemNotAsDescribed contributor puts it far more elegantly: "Strangely, the artworld has not yet recognized your genius. Keep trying. Place these tiles in a heavy plastic bag and throw them away. Made the cover of ArtForum, yet?"

The contributor, as so many on this delightful site, continues in eloquence: "At the very least, you will be helping this poster with her performance art project. She tries to get people to come over and take out her trash, to demonstrate human gullibility. You are her first victim. Sorry, I mean, collaborator."

The site even has categories that might help you sift through these worst of the free offers according to your predilections: "Classy", "Delicious" and "Spooky" are just three of the subsections.

Perhaps my favorite is this most delicious offer from the Bay Area's Craigslist: Gerber Cereal for Infants.

You might wonder why someone might give away baby food for free on Craigslist. Well, the advertiser is very open about the flaws in these wares: "One expired on Sept 08 the other Nov 08. But they still have the cellophane on them."

The ItemNotAsDescribed poster is effusive in his good fortune at discovering such a multi-layered bargain: "Sweet, they still have the cellophane on them. Something for the baby to play with after we've fed him long-expired food."

It almost makes those most generous posters who, earlier this week, used Craigslist to try to sell their free tickets to the Michael Jackson memorial seem like altruists. Almost.

In death, there is retail life.

Michael Jackson was an icon, so, somewhere along the way, there will be those who will want to capitalize on his passing.

Drifting through eBay's pages, one sees that many who seem to be bowing their heads in respect may actually be stooping to fairly venal lows.

Take the staggering swiftness of enterprising seller JanisK56, who put a lovely item of memorabilia up for sale Thursday, just before it was confirmed by TMZ that Jackson was no more.

This seller offered, as a one-day special, a 2003 People magazine cover featuring the singer.

(Credit: CC Asim Bijarani)

Did the cover feature a triumphant world tour? Or perhaps a family reunion? Not quite. The headline is "Did he do it?" and it features an eight-page analysis of child molestation allegations.

"Will Others Come Forward?" asks the cover. Which is what I was wondering when considering who else would want to sell such mindlessly inappropriate memorabilia to people who might be fans. At the time of writing, the leading bid for this cover is $11.50. Which might strike some as $12 too much.

If that doesn't make you feel a touch queasy, several sellers are attempting to capitalize on pristine editions of yesterday's New York Times. Some, like AFlowerandagun, even add lines to remind you why you should spend cash to buy this paper.

"This is a historic day," declares AFlowerandagun's subhead. But is it really so historic and moving a day that you can't help but try to make $15.50 (the leading bid as I write) on a copy of a newspaper?

Then there's Erickdigger, a seller who is offering a "Michael Jackson life mask." Yes, not a death mask, a life mask.

The seller explains: "This started with an actual life cast mask of Michael Jackson. Then it has been sculpturaly (sic) enhanced by me Erick Erickson.The Hair, ears and eyebrows have been added to create a very lifelike display." And he concludes: "It's like having Jacko right there with you."

The price for Jacko's life mask is $44.99.

I fully understand that many people around the world are moved by Jackson's death. But to write a line like "It's like having Jacko there with you" seems tantalizingly insensitive.

Then again, how might fans feel about the "Michael Jackson Poseable Doll"? This seller, Deathcall47 (really) is offering a Jackson doll from the 1980s still in its box. Deathcall47 leaves a note, so that you can be clear what he is feeling.

"1984 MICHAEL JACKSON POSEABLE DOLL A MUST HAVE FOR ANY JACKSON FAN. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT HIS DEATH. THIS IS A VERY HOT ITEM FOR ANY FAN," he begins. And he concludes with: "YOU WONT BE SORRY WHO KNOW'S (sic) WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE WORTH."

The leading bid at the time of writing is $250. I wonder if it's a fan or a mere capitalist.

Jackson's death is extremely sad. But isn't there also something a little sad about people who hear about his death and think they can make a few random bucks from it, regardless of what it is they have to sell? All the sellers I have mentioned put the items up for sale either Thursday or Friday.

Of course, one shouldn't be surprised. But one can only hope that fans, in their grief, will distinguish between the valuable, the sincere, the opportunistic and the utterly callous.

It would be interesting to hear what fans might think of the eBay seller named cadzdaman.

He is offering the domain name MJ-IS-DEAD.com.

At least his message is very straightforward: "Domain name to inform those of Michael's tragic death, or can be resold for a profit."

Indeed. The leading bid as of Friday 12:52 p.m. PDT was $0.99.

Alina Percea, 18, needed to pay for a computing degree.

So, perhaps in an attempt to prove how significant computing is in modern life, she auctioned her virginity on a German Web site.

However, unlike Natalie Dylan, the American who claims to have secured bids of $3.7 million for the privilege of deflowering her (although no deeds seem either to have been signed or done), Alina did not attract offers in quite the same region.

The best bid she managed to secure came in at 8,800 pounds, or just over $13,000. The bidder, a 45-year-old Italian man, came through at the last minute by doubling the leading price.

Which was charming of him, so much so that Alina has now chosen to reveal details of how the deal enjoyed closure.

You will be moved to hear that she did, indeed, enjoy it. She was flown to Venice to meet her fairly decent proposal.

The Daily Mail quoted her as describing her first impressions: "At the arrivals lounge, a man came over, smiled, handed me a box of chocolates and said: 'Welcome to Venice.' He looked much younger than 45, short, but nicely dressed, with dark hair, green eyes and a kind smile."

(Credit: CC Zoonabar/Flickr)

So it all started, as memorable days should, with a pleasant surprise. Alina admitted she was hoping for something of a "Pretty Woman" scenario.

The man took her site-seeing in Venice and didn't happen to mention whether he was single, married or just a little odd. He had booked them into a five-star hotel for the consummation of the transaction.

As for the act itself, well, Alina says they had sex just the once (after all, he was 45) and apparently had breakfast the next morning "just like any other couple."

Oh, and for breakfast, Alina had a morning-after pill.

Forgive me if I didn't mention it, unprotected sex was part of the deal. Of course, the gentleman had a certificate to prove that he was STD-free.

May I leave you with one final twist to a story that neither Danielle Steel nor Mills and Boon nor Stephen King would have dared even to outline?

Alina would like to see her benefactor again. And she promises that if he agrees to see her, she won't make him pay. I think she means "not for the sex, anyway".

Isn't it lovely how the Web can sometimes create the perfect conditions for romance to have a chance?

I am a little on the touchy-feely side. On the right side of touchy-feely, of course. But it's the Polish blood, you see. Feel first, think later. Like Chopin. But not so much like Roman Polanski.

This touchy-feelingness means I've never bought a T-shirt on Amazon. However, I am rather tempted to sacrifice this principle, and any feelings attached to it, in favor of a T-shirt that features three wolves howling at the moon.

Oh, it doesn't seem like all that wondrous a design. It's just that, well, the reviews it's received on Amazon suggest it might have powers beyond this world. And, perhaps, even the next one.

Take the story of B.Govern from New Jersey. B's life has clearly been altered by the purchase of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt.

"After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-Mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!)"

Can you feel the power?

(Credit: Amazon/The Mountain)

He continues: "The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him."

Needless to say, once he is inside Wal-Mart, B finds the woman of his dreams, who has, according to him, slightly asthmatic breathing.

But wait, B's experience is not an isolated one. Take the commitment of Chance McClain: "I am getting married this August and this is the only item on my registry. I hope to get hundreds of them."

The Three Wolf Moon T-shirt appears to work for women, too.

L. Margaux Miller writes: "Let me tell you something, and I don't care whether you believe me, because it's TRUE. The second I opened the box and put the shirt on, I was bathed in reassurance and self-confidence. I decided to put it to the test and actually went out to get some groceries."

So what do you think happened? "Not only could I speak to men AND WOMEN, but everything that flowed out from between my lips was witty and smooth, and I swept BOTH SEXES off their feet. I got seven phone numbers in one hour!! And I tried them all, and they are ALL REAL."

Extraordinary.

But not quite as extraordinary as the experience of C. Belanger: "I purchased the 3 wolf moon shirt while on vacation in Utah but I forgot it in the hotel room. Imagine my surprise when 7 weeks later, I heard a knock at my door back home. It was 3 wolf moon! It walked all the way to my house by itself. Excellent fit, too."

Out of 293 reviews thus far, the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt has received 231 5-star ratings.

As reviewer C. Hethcoat "Spartacus" says: "The creator of this glorious shirt never thought he would bring such exuberation to so many people."

Exuberation, indeed. Or perhaps he just has a lot of friends. Friends who like to write. Friends who like to write a lot when they're exuberated. Or perhaps, as they say in certain parts of California, stoned.

On the other hand, some of these reviews just might be, um, parodies. Surely not.

22-year-old Nick Adenhart, along with two others , was killed by an alleged drunk hit-and-run driver April 9. He had just started his first Major League Baseball game for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

This was the latest in a litany of tragedy that happens to have befallen this team and is referred to by some as "The Curse of the Cowboy," after original owner, actor, and "singing cowboy" Gene Autry.

After Adenhart's death, fans of the team were shocked and saddened. Many wanted to buy a customized shirt, with his name and number, as a way to honor and remember him.

(Credit: CC DB King/Flickr)

Some went to baseball's own retail site, MLB.com, where, if they put in Adenhart's name and number 34 into the customization boxes, they received this message: "Your current entry cannot be processed. Language deemed inappropriate, derogatory, or profane will not be accepted. Please create a new entry."

Perhaps this wording was designed to prevent the creation of shirts mocking the mockable. Curt Schilling, perhaps, or Alex Rodriguez. But this was an entirely different context.

A short while later, MLB.com seems to have realized that this might have seemed odd, so now the words read: "Your current entry cannot be processed. Some entries are prohibited due to guidelines for past and present player names. Please create a new entry."

Essentially, the site is telling all those who would like to purchase a commemorative, customized Nick Adenhart jersey that they can't.

The site's logic is curious. As Nick Adenhart, being dead, is no longer active on a roster, you are not allowed to buy a shirt with his active roster number.

You can, because I have just tried, have his name and the number 1. Or 12. Or even 66.

In fact, MLB.com just offered me the following message when I entered 'Adenhart 66': "Great choice! To purchase your customized jersey, click on "ADD TO CART."

One would have thought that a great choice would be to buy the shirt that you actually want to buy.

Unfortunately, for Major League Baseball that logic appears a little too human.

Her pseudonym is Natalie Dylan. Because she is a woman of impeccable taste, I imagine that she named herself after Natalie Wood and Bob Dylan.

If you have not yet been propositioned by her publicity, Natalie, 22 years old, is selling her virginity to the highest bidder at Bunnyranch.com. The leading man's offer currently stands at a breathtaking $3.8 million.

The Bunny Ranch, for those who haven't been initiated, is an extremely famous brothel in Nevada, and perhaps you, on hearing this news, will be wondering just what criteria she will be using to cherry-pick her premier partner.

As a concerned citizen and businessperson, I have some questions.

1. Who is she, really? Although she has appeared with Tyra Banks and Howard Stern, among others, she claims that she took on the pseudonym for her own 'safety.' Strangely, I can find no online trace of her real name.

She says she is a student at Sacramento State. You would have thought that fellow members of her undergraduate Women's Studies program would have performed their social-networking duties, and twittered and facebooked away about her enterprise and her true self.

There is one quote of hers they might wish to enlighten us about. It came from an interview Natalie did with a CBS affiliate. She said: "I'm a big fan of anonymity."

2. Why is it all auction and no action? Ms. Dylan has been on this quest since last September. She says she needs the money in order to pay for a Master's Degree in Family and Marriage Therapy. But does Sacramento State have gold bidets in the bathrooms? Or is she thinking Harvard? The Sorbonne, perhaps?

In the CBS interview, she mentioned that she was going to write a book and set up in practice with her sister, Avia--who seems also to have occasionally burrowed down at the Bunny Ranch to earn a little cash. But isn't $3.8 million quite a handsome sum? Or has she discovered it comes with not such a handsome (or Mensa-some) owner?

This is not the Bunny Ranch. But you probably knew that already.

(Credit: CC Robyn Gallagher)

3. Why does she insist on intelligence in her suitor? I can't help but imagine that she will not be in flagrante delicto for longer than an episode of The Office. So why is it that she feels it important for her suitor to have brains?

Most people might consider several words or phrases for a man who would sacrifice upward of $3.8 million for one night of (anticipated) excitement: "rich," "sad," or even "didn't do business with Bernie Madoff, then." But why would she wish for the first suitor to desuit her to know who Shakespeare is? Or even how to spell his name?

4. Does she intend to film the event? I ask only because the site states that she will personally correspond with the applicants first. What might they be talking about? Could it be that, not content with making money for her studies, her book and her practice, she is seconding the notion of a DVD? Or even, as it were, a live feed?

Most men with money tend to be big fans of anonymity. Could it be that those with the financial wads are concerned that their physical wads might be displayed for all the world to see?

5. Does she want the winner to do more than just have sex? I am very concerned that the highly educated, wealthy, single, divorced, or strangely brazen men who have already bid may be stumped by an unexpected request on Natalie's part. She was quoted in the Daily Mail as saying: "I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal."

But if I have more wads of cash than I can waste any other way, why would I wish to make a profit from this act of love? Is Natalie imagining that she and her temporary beau will be doing another tour of the talk shows before they enjoy the Bunny Ranch's thread count?

Or, dare one even consider the thought, is she already setting up interviews for both of them after Money Honey has enjoyed Sugar Daddy? Can anyone imagine Tyra Banks smiling sweetly at the highly educated, wealthy, etc., man and asking: "Did the earth move for you?"

Sometimes love just isn't what it seems.