A company run by Hillary Clinton's fine people-knower, Mark Penn, got together with the highly-regarded Landor Associates, an organization that once came to the enlightening conclusion that "green is the color of reading," to research the relationship between presidential candidates and brands.
It makes for very colorful reading. Purple, to my eyes.
It seems that the respondents, who came from all political shades and who intended to vote, were asked to choose which brand best characterized Barack Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and Joe Biden.
The brands were from most of the essential categories--cars, coffee, Internet search engine, portable music devices, social networking sites, mobile phone carriers, you know, the essentials.
The survey's results betray a depth of consumer perception that few might have expected.
While Joe Biden and John McCain are both AOL, Barack Obama and Sarah Palin are both, apparently, Google.
The authors of this report suggest that the Google association reflects the personable and youthful nature of both candidates. Which might leave some to wonder whether respondents might have thought that AOL stood for An Old Label.
The candidates were also evenly split when it came to cell-phone brands. Senators Biden and McCain were both AT&T, while the Obama-Palin tandem apparently said to people "Verizon."
Where does that warm and fuzzy conclusion leave the iPhone? Ah, now, the survey is quite definite that Barack Obama is the iPhone. While the other three are Blackberries. No, really.
And you may begin to feel a little more queasy, regardless of your political leanings, when you discover that all four candidates were iPods (you don't see a little Zune in Joe Biden?).
I am fairly confident, however, that there will be metaphorical or, in some cases, physical regurgitation at the conclusion that, when it came to social-networking sites, all four of these fine politicians were MySpace, rather than Facebook.
The authors seem to put this down to MySpace's alleged game-changing nature. But some might think this clear bilge, as even a cadaver could tell you that John McCain is, my friends, a quintessential Friendster.
Now I know that the most important questions for readers, far above "Believer vs. Atheist" and "Desperate Housewives vs. the Discovery Channel," is that huge political issue: "Mac vs. PC."
Please put down your weapons, step away from all sharp objects, blunt instruments, potential projectiles and, um, walls.
Alright, here it is.
Sarah Palin, Joe Biden, and John McCain are, so the people say, all PCs. Yes, just like Sanjay Gupta, Eva Longoria, and the men with beards and glasses.
While the 1,002 voters were tied, yes, their heat was dead, when it came to deciding whether Barack Obama really is a Mac or a PC.
Who would have thought that, should he be elected, the first crisis facing Senator Obama would be an identity crisis?
The NVision Conference, held last week in San Jose, has had such an eye-opening effect on me that I have been unable to sleep.
The things those clever scientific people have come up with make me realize that the world as we know it is no longer the world as we know it.
I was particularly moved to hear about an Israeli company called OptiTex.
Their fashion design optical gizmography is so realistic that designers can observe on screen just how the fabrics will shimmy and shake even before the couture gown has been cut and shaped.
I was struck semi-comatose by the comment from NVidia's Chris Malachowsky that, one day, doctors "will be able to recreate scan data so fast you could see your own heart beating."
I am not terribly sure I ever want to see my heart beating. I am not terribly sure I want to ever witness my innards performing live on screen.
But the fact that I hear this is possible gives me great pause to wonder whether there are already some prototypes out there that these terribly bright scientists haven't told us about.
My first thought descended on both Vice-Presidential candidates. Is there actually any proof that either of them is real?
(Credit:
New Line Cinema)
Please take a very close look at Joe Biden. Is there anything about him that looks even remotely imperfect?
His coiffure is not so much worn as airbrushed. His teeth have surely been based on those of Angelina Jolie. His shirts stay in place longer than Fidel Castro. And his cuff links- well, have you ever seen them rotate even a quarter of an inch?
It is my solemn suspicion that Joe Biden is a creation of one of these companies like NVidia or OptiTex.
I believe that in order to prove their graphic brilliance, one of these forward-thinking scientific corporations has graphically sculpted this perfect candidate and is hologramically projecting their creation all over the United States.
(In fact, they even tried an international experiment by projecting the new Mr. Biden all the way to hostile projectile territory in Georgia only a couple of weeks ago.)
I think this may, therefore, be the reason for Sarah Palin.
Doesn't she just very slightly remind you of the lead character in the movie S1M0ne?
In the movie, everyone wonders who is the astonishingly enticing actress Simone. Just as everyone is wondering today about Sarah Palin.
Simone, it turns out, was actually an abbreviation for Simulation One, the computer program that created her.
Do you not feel just the slightest intuition that the Republican Party, having discovered the Democrats' nifty scheme in creating the perfect Biden (I mean, come on, no gaffes so far, huh?), decided they had to create their own Perfect Vice?
Fortunately, they already had their prototype going through its test in Alaska. All they had to do was a little fiddling with the graphic controls and beam it onto the national stage.
Please consider just how her perfection matches that of Mr. Biden.
The hair is disciplined, but the scientists have just left the suggestion that wildness could break out at any moment. The fingers are perfectly sculpted to wag without effort.
And the matching element to Mr. Biden's cuff links? Why, the rectangular, rimless glasses that maintain their posture with a rigor not seen since a certain vice-presidential candidate upbraided a schoolchild for failing to spell 'potato' in the appropriate manner.
I would prefer it that the creators of these two Virtual Vices come clean about the extent to which they have expressed their talents.
The nation deserves to know what has really been going on.
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