Technically Incorrect

I am indebted with a depth I have rarely experienced to Technically Incorrect commenter Crabby Golightly, who has drawn my attention to the Field and Stream site.

Field and Stream, a magazine devoted to hunting and fishing, is offering, in conjunction with the outdoor equipment manufacturer Bushnell, $1million to anyone who can produce a verifiable photograph of Bigfoot.

"We're not saying we believe in Sasquatch, but if anyone's ever going to capture an image of one, we're guessing it'll be a hunter with a trail camera. That's why Bushnell is offering a chance at $1,000,000 to the first person using one who snaps a verifiable photo of the beast," declares the site.

It is not for me to say whether Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton, the two Georgia non-hunting hikers who claim to have a dead Bigfoot in their freezer, have one eye on this contest, which was launched in June and closes in December.

He's out there. He's really out there.

(Credit: CC Rightee)

And I am sure that the folks at Field and Stream did not have the two intrepid Bigfoot trackers in mind when they added this to their site:

"BONUS CATEGORY: For all you jokers out there - we're giving away an additional Bushnell Trail Scout Pro camera for your best attempt to cheat Bushnell out of their $1,000,000 prize. So go grab your gorilla suit and head to the nearest woodlot. Just don't get mistaken for a bear*. *Please use caution when taking photographs outdoors and in the wild, especially when using suits or costumes that resemble wild animals (Gorilla, Sasquatch, or other)."

All Mr. Dyer and Mr. Whitton will have to do to earn their million is "provide an unaltered photograph/video, verified and substantiated by a panel of scientific experts [including a zoologist and biologist], the evidence required to prove a Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti exists."

Which, as last Friday's press conference showed, they feel they are well on their way to doing. They have, according to their site bigfoottracker.com, sent their Bigfoot's DNA sample away for 'analization.'

Although Mr. Whitton and Mr. Dyer are themselves excellent marketers, it will be quite difficult for them, one suspects, to actually win this $1 million, which appears to be fine marketing on the part of the Bushnell and Field and Stream folks.

On the evidence of Friday's photo, some might say the Georgians will be struggling in the Bonus Category too. Should they ever enter it, of course.

Updated to include more specific details of the two Bigfoot sites. And for all of you who don't like the way I spell the word 'unphased', please understand that I am allowed one Anglo spelling per month as part of my dual nationality. Here is a link to my hometown newspaper, the Birmingham Post. Hope this helps to ease the pain. And here's another link to ZDnet, which proves this freaky Anglicism has crept onto US shores. It is truly not my intention to analize (sic) the English language.

What was most revealing about today's exhilarating and highly truthful Bigfoot press conference was not what was said.

It was the headgear.

Emblazoned with the URL bigfoottracker.com, a site devoted to their own Bigfoot tracking enterprise, (a site, incidentally, that declares that Bigfoot's DNA has been taken away for 'analization'), the baseball caps worn by Matthew Whitton (aka Gary Parker) and Rick Dyer said so very much.

Their words on MSNBC's Countdown With Keith Olberman said it with a cleanliness only rivaled by Bigfoot's teeth. When asked by the lucky stand-in presenter, Rachel Maddow, whether they were out to make as much money as they could, Mr. Dyer, who had not uttered a word through the entire interview, firmly stated that this was the case. (Please take note, Mr. Zuckerberg and Ms. Sandberg)

These are businessmen who put most Web 1.0 enterprises to shame. Most of Web 2.0 too. They have a geneticist's rigorous grasp of detail. And they have a clearly articulated business plan.

Messrs Whitton and Dyer are afraid of nothing, certainly not of the world's press. After all, they have faced and sniffed the body of Bigfoot. They have dragged his five hundred pounds back to their pickup truck. They have resisted the urge of calling the police, or Animal Rescue. These are men smart and courageous enough to have run Webvan.

(Credit: CC Jef Poskanzer)

In their interview with Ms. Maddow, they were amusedly unphased. They stated their case. They insisted that, despite previous reports (that might well have been true), they weren't hunters at all, merely hikers who happened to come across an incredible find and even braved the circling of other Bigfeet who were perturbed to see the body of their blood brother being dragged away, like a large, hairy Lindsay Lohan, to a career in Hollywood.

But they have learned one thing about life- and specifically about the internet business. They don't just talk monetization. They do it wherever they are online. Their own site is surprisingly sophisticated, with products galore. And on another site, one owned by a Bigfoot tracker called Tom Biscardi, where their find and their faces are both heavily featured and, where one supposes, they might just be getting a cut, the merchandising just goes on.

If you hotfoot it to searchingforbigfoot.com, you can pick up an authentic SearchingForBigfoot cap, in black or white, for $24.99. (a BigfootTracker.com hat at Whitton and Dyer's own site goes for just $19.99) You can hitch up your trousers with a commemorative Bigfoot Lives pewter belt buckle, its price inexplicably reduced from $34.99 to $29.99. And for a mere $35 (reduced from $40) you can adorn your front porch with a Bigfoot Welcome Mat.

Were they hunters, which they avowedly are not, they might describe this as a great way to make a killing.

Of course, these products are merely loss leaders, because when the venerable scientists from Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan or Georgiastan confirm that Matt (aka Gary) and Rick are, indeed, in possession of a Bigfoot cadaver, searchingforbigfoot.com and bigfoottracker.com will rival Amazon and Fifth Avenue for traffic and profit. And they will rival Facebook on the engagement scale.

The possibilities are taller than some would accuse their story. Bigfoot perfume, Bigfoot dogfood, a Bigfoot steakhouse chain, perhaps even a Bigfoot blog from beyond the grave.

You see, it's not enough just to have a good idea, you have to have your business plan jingling with readiness.

I understand that the real reason today's press conference was held in Palo Alto is that the two intrepid businessmen had another meeting in the vicinity.

The Stanford Business School has already offered Messrs. Whitton and Dyer professorships. The two hikers from Georgia said they would think about it.

You see how clever they are?

Because you are alive and online, you will probably have already heard that two hunters in Georgia claim to have discovered the body of Bigfoot, the legendary big, hairy, well, thing.

Many commentators, including CNET's redoubtable Caroline McCarthy, have expressed a soupcon of skepticism about the veracity of the discovery.

I can, quite naturally, understand such doubt and redoubt. Journalism is a dubious business.

And Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, the two hunters who claim to have discovered the big-footed body, have, unfortunately, created a YouTube video in which they presented a supposed expert, a Dr. Van Buren from Texas, who turned out to be Mr. Whitton's brother. And, um, not a Doctor of Bigfootism.

However, Mr. Whitton's explanation was very convincing: "I'm just tired of all the stalkers so I had my brother, 'Dr Van Buren', come down (... )I'm just glad you all had something to do on the weekend. We still have a corpse."

Now THIS was a hoax.

(Credit: CC Bitshaker)

When you are being constantly stalked, you have to take reasonable evasive action. And who better than your brother to help you in such a situation? However, there are other facts that suggest Mr. Dyer and Mr. Whitton will, tomorrow, stun the world:

1. Their press conference is being held in Palo Alto. No one who is not in full possession of unimpeachable facts would ever dare venture to Palo Alto to be scrutinized. Palo Alto is the home of some of the finest faculties in the world, and only someone who had long ago lost his faculties of reasoning and personal safety would agree to speak there without full confidence in his evidence. Would you talk fake DNA in a place surrounded by weird scientists and DNA labs? Neither would I.

2. It is one of life's great lessons that if you persevere, you will reach your goal. Mr. Dyer and Mr. Whitton are not casual hunters who happened to come across a huge hairy body that would take ten men to drag through the forest. No, these are men who have dedicated themselves to the pursuit of this 7 feet, 7 inches tall, 500 pound menace. I mean, this thing is taller than Yao Ming. It is ten Yao Mings across. At least. When you make such a vast entity your life's pursuit, then your wish will often be granted. It is the same attitude with which Sir Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin and Simon Cowell discovered Il Divo.

3. Bigfoot was found in Georgia. This, for me, is the clincher. All those dreadful science fiction novels, movies and strange, bearded commentators have always said that Bigfoot's beat was the Pacific Northwest. How can this be anything other than nonsense? Georgia brought us the brutal killing and, er, other stuff, of Deliverance. The Pacific Northwest brought us Sleepless In Seattle. Georgia brought us Michael Vick and dogfighting. The Pacific Northwest brought us Woodland Park Zoo, 92 acres of fun for all the family. Georgia is home to CNN. The Pacific Northwest doesn't even have a regional office of the Food Network. (Atlanta, naturally, does.)

I firmly believe that at noon tomorrow, in the Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto, history will be made.

And all the Teetering Thomases who once believed there was no such thing as the Loch Ness Monster or Darth Vader, will be shown up for the total fools they are.