It can't be easy being a policeman.
Every day you're forced to be in contact with some of the lower beings of the world. Sometimes you have to punch them or shoot them, when you'd rather be out with your lover or at least surfing the Web for a little fun.
As a matter of fact, I have just learned from the very learned Daily Mail that an average of nine police officers and support staff from every British police force have been fired or warned after transgressing the police's IT regulations.
In all, the Mail said that its figures, obtained under the UK's Freedom of Information Act, show that at least 439 police officers and support staff were fired or disciplined for viewing material online that they ought not have been viewing on police time; that includes anything from viewing porn or using social-networking sites while on the job, to doing individual background checks for personal use or posting unauthorized video online.
I know there will be some who, on hearing this information, will feel angry. They will say policemen are hypocrites who, in showing us the stiff arm of the law, demonize us for questionable behavior while partaking of questionable practices themselves.
Perhaps, though, others might feel something akin to relief. Policemen are humans, after all. They have weaknesses, vices, and foibles. Perhaps you might share that psychological insight with the next policeman who stops you for speeding and finds a week-old spliff in your glove box.
(Updated at 1:56 p.m. PST, after I put down my own bottle of Lapin Kulta.)
If you've ever spent a long night drinking with Finns, you may have noted that after the 10th beer, they can become jolly, effusive, and positively inventive. Well, please hark the words of Martti Roth, an alleged employee of Intel Finland, who thought of something rather special while under the influence of alcohol.
I am not libeling him, truly. Because Roth says he really did come up with the notion, while at a bar, that he and his Intel friends should create the world's biggest Intel chime ever by firing themselves out of cannons.
On the special Intel Cannonbells site, Roth declared: "I thought about the biggest, most exciting way we could create those five notes. And the longer I stayed in the bar, the more sense it made."
Roth says he is a field applications engineer. And his family has a history with cannons. No, not in some 19th century war, but, well, it sounds like a tragic story.
"In 1906, my great grandfather tried to fire himself from a cannon over the widest part of the river Vantaa in Helsinki," Roth said on the site.
I cannot imagine why he might have made this interesting choice. In answer to the question "did he make it?" Roth replied: "Some of him did. Funny really, but on the day [of the Intel Cannonbells launch], I really felt as though he was looking down on me and guiding me through the air towards that big, metal pipe. It was very emotional."
I cannot possibly suggest that Roth did this interview when still under the influence of the finest Lapin Kulta (supposedly Finland's finest beer). Or that, as some (including the site's disclaimer writers) might suggest, he is merely an actor.
Oh, all right, here's the full, tucked-away disclaimer: "All copy and videos are part of a marketing campaign for Intel Sponsors of Tomorrow. No Intel employees were harmed in the making of this film. All characters featured in the videos were played by actors specially trained in silly costumes and Finnish accents. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fire anyone out of a cannon."
Still, I trust that the video will inspire you to aim higher in the coming year to create technological feats that will truly make a noise in the commercial world. Even if it might make you mistrust Finns a little in the immediate future.
Playing fantasy sports can be as addictive as watching "The Biggest Loser."
My own lowest point was when I went to see the Golden State Warriors play the Los Angeles Clippers and cheered when the Clippers' Michael Olowakandi snagged his 10th rebound. I am a Warriors fan, but Olowokandi was in my NBA fantasy team.
It took a team of bullish psychiatrists and several wily girlfriends to remove me from this iniquitous pursuit, which is why I have some sympathy with Cameron Pettigrew and three of his fellow Fidelity Investments employees.
Actually, they are former Fidelity employees, as, according to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, they were all fired from Fidelity's Westlake, Texas office for playing fantasy NFL during their hours of employment.
Fidelity is the world's No. 1 sponsor of mutual funds. These are, I believe, the folks who tell you in their ads to follow the green line on your way to having hairy gray ears and a condo in Boca. It sounds like a sure thing, but we all know how this 401(k) thing can sometimes work out.
So perhaps you might find it curious that Fidelity frowns on gambling. And fantasy NFL, where money might be involved, is, according to the company, gambling.
"We have clear policies that relate to gambling. Participation in any form of gambling through the use of Fidelity time or equipment or any other company resource is prohibited," Fidelity spokesman Vin Loporchio told the Star-Telegram.
He added: "In addition to being illegal in a lot of places, it can also be disruptive. We want our employees to be focused on our customers and clients."
Righteous words, indeed. However, Pettigrew made some rather human points. "Firing a guy for being in a $20 fantasy league? Let's be honest; that's a complete overreaction," he told the Star-Telegram.
This whole thing started in October when e-mails pertaining to a different fantasy league fell before the eyes of Fidelity management. It was then that they realized that Pettigrew was the commissioner of an office league.
Pettigrew, however, said that managers and leaders played in at least 10 fantasy leagues around the office. This was despite the fact that Fidelity does have a policy against fantasy leagues, a policy that Pettigrew says was routinely ignored.
Even though Pettigrew says he never sent fantasy-related e-mails at work, it all seems to have come down to two IMs that Pettigrew received.
"One of my buddies sent me something about how bad Trent Edwards was playing or something like that," Pettigrew told the Star-Telegram. "So they called me in and talked to me for about 90 minutes on everything I ever knew about fantasy football. They interrogated me as though I was some sort of international gambling kingpin."
Shortly afterward, four league commissioners, including Pettigrew, were fired.
Corporations have many rules. Indeed, I know people in corporations who rather enjoy making up rules and enforcing them.
But perhaps the first rule should be to ascertain whether an employee's private behavior, even if occasionally on company time, actually does adversely affect his work performance. Or whether it might actually help it.
Convention has a handshake like the Mafia.
Even when we resign from a job, even when we truly feel the people we worked with were weasels of the worst order, our idea of "the done thing" means we invite everyone for a painful beer in a local bar. We even buy them doughnuts.
Now one brave soul has perhaps not merely flouted convention, but, with one heartfelt e-mail, drop-kicked it to Hades.
According to The Chive.com, the e-mail was written by a senior media planner at a Chicago ad agency (I have a feeling I just might recognize which one), a man with a hearty sense of self-expression.
The e-mail's form, and, somehow, its content, does actually suggest that this missive might be real.
Although one should bear in mind that The Chive has occasionally been responsible for perpetrating some dubious exercises, such as the skyscraperish tale of a girl who accidentally sent a text to her dad after losing her virginity on a class trip. (Guess what? It was a hoax.)
Still, let us, for the purposes of a happy Saturday, reserve our judgment, as the e-mail has some delightful moments.
The departing senior media planner declares, for example, that it is his express intention to spare his co-workers the cliche e-mail. Instead he offers 10 reasons why he quite simply had enough.
(Credit:
CC Rocketace/Flickr)
At No. 10, he offers: "I've added it up, and with the hours I log in a given week, I don't even make minimum wage. True story."
He goes on to lament the agency's inadequate attempts at downsizing, which he characterizes as "you fired all the cool people." Both these occurrences do bear a remarkable resemblance to current realities in the ad business.
No. 5 is a deeply sincere gem: "So that I don't have to ask you how your weekend was--I don't care. It's exhausting listening to you and pretending to care and then sugar coating my own weekend stories so that you don't recoil in horror."
No. 4 might make some online advertisers pause for a meeting with their, um, media planners. It seems to be a somewhat troubled criticism of those nice people at ComScore. Well, the unnamed media planner did work very long hours.
No. 2 is a very sad story of technology gone awry: "A rep gave me a fancy USB memory stick with their logo on it last year for Christmas. I diligently saved all my work only to have it take a (dump) on me right when I was thinking about quitting this job."
Did I mention that he is alleged to have sent this e-mail company-wide? Well, what must have everyone made of his No. 1 reason for quitting this obviously fine place of work?
With a final flourish, he said: "I've gotten 3 job title promotions since I've been here but no raise. I'll bet if I asked to be promoted to Senior Media Planner Ninja-Czar, I'd get it with a pay freeze until 2020."
He is, he declared, leaving to become "a looper in the Himalayas."
But perhaps, when this ugly recession is over, this senior media planner and potential Ninja-Czar might consider a future in writing ads rather than planning media space.
Just like Dudley Moore in "Crazy People," he might be able to usher in a new era of spectacularly honest advertising. Unless, of course, this whole e-mail, though reeking of a certain reality, is just another elaborate, page-view enticing invention. It couldn't be that, could it?
Being an accountant is hard.
You have to deal, in general, with people who can't count, can't save receipts, and then expect you to bail them out from all their troubles.
So please consider the plight of Vicki Walker, an accountant with ProCare Health in Auckland, New Zealand.
According to the trusty New Zealand Herald, ProCare, in dismissing Walker, told her that her e-mail style had caused ripples of disturbance in the serene landscape of her fellow workers' minds.
Her sins, for there were reportedly several, were that she used capital letters, bold typefaces and, perish the mere concept, red text in her e-mails.
Walker reacted to this dismissal with an exclamation point and some question marks. She took ProCare Health to an employment tribunal, where she was awarded 17,000 NZ dollars ($11,447) in compensation.
She told the Herald that she found it curious that ProCare Health only produced one e-mail in evidence during the proceedings.
This was not an e-mail for those of a tender disposition. It was intended to advise staff on how to fill out claim forms.
The time and date were in deep red. And one sentence was rather boldly highlighted in blue. It read: "To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist."
Goodness, that does seems terribly abrasive, doesn't it?
Walker had to fight hard in order to see her claim succeed. She told the Herald: "I am a single woman with a mortgage, and I had to re-mortgage my home and borrow money from my sister to make it through. They nearly ruined my life."
Perhaps it isn't all that surprising, then, that having won her case for unfair dismissal, she now reportedly intends to pursue ProCare for further compensation.
I wonder whether she'll be outlining her claims in an e-mail. Perhaps she might use bold green type.
Kimberley Swann thought her job was boring. So she said so on her Facebook page.
Her employer, Ivell Marketing and Logistics of Clacton, U.K., gave her this update: "Following your comments made on Facebook about your job and the company we feel it is better that, as you are not happy and do not enjoy your work we end your employment with Ivell Marketing & Logistics with immediate effect."
Miss Swann, 16, was stunned. She told the Daily Telegraph: "I did not even put the company's name, I just put that my job was boring. They were just being nosy, going through everything. I think it is really sad, it makes them look stupid that they are going to be so petty."
Ivell's home page is a little on the dull side. But I did find a lively sentence at the very end of its home page spiel, almost every sentence of which begins with "We."
This work of art is entitled "Bored at Work". It in no way represents the exciting opportunities at Ivell Marketing and Logistics.
(Credit: CC Schlusselbein2007)"We follow a zero tolerance social accountability standard," says the last sentence. Perhaps firing Ms. Swann is an example of Ivell's zero tolerance social accountability.
So I went to a very sober Web site to discover the definition of this Social Accountability Standard, which seems to be referred to as SA8000. Here it is: "(The standard) measures the performance of companies in eight key areas: child labor, forced labor, health and safety, free association and collective bargaining, discrimination, disciplinary practices, working hours and compensation."
Here is today's philosophical question: is your personal Facebook page an example of "free association"? Stephen Ivell, the owner, thinks the company acted properly. He told the Telegraph: "It is just a shame that it did not work out because she is a lovely girl. For a small company, when a decision is made, one thinks long and hard about it."
I was just wondering, but, well, how long and hard did the company think about snooping into its employee's personal Facebook pages? I only ask because I know there are some people who have zero tolerance for this kind of corporate behavior.
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