Technically Incorrect

Today's GYM (that's Google, Yahoo, Microsoft) Congressional hearing, in which many lawyers told many truths in front of many excited Congressfolk, was very revealing.

Perhaps accidentally.

Although I missed the actual event, choosing to breathe slightly fresher air, I have been rapt in scrutinizing the words of the respective lawyers from the three companies.

If I might summarize for busy and self-respecting readers:

Google said: "Anti-competitive? Us? That's like saying the New York Yankees will win every year. And they don't. Which entirely proves our point, so we really don't know why we should be here at all.

But if we have to be here, then please remember that our owners are nice people who neither step on flies nor unzip them in public, whereas the New York Yankees owner once hired a private detective to spy on one of his players. So there."

(Credit: Myki Roventine)

Microsoft said: "Hah. You're not going to buy this baloney, are you? You're politicians. You live by baloney. You die by baloney. You can see baloney coming before the 'baaa' sound even begins to migrate to the 'loney'.

This isn't even good baloney. It's low grade. It's balowney. Come on, people. Google wants to know what every human being is doing all the time. So that they can make more money than everyone has ever made in the world. Yes, more than Bill Gates.

My dear Congresspeople, they want to have the power to tell your loved ones if you have ever searched for the Emperor's Club. Yes, this is THAT dangerous."

And Yahoo said: "Gee, who'd be us in this Godzilla meets The Blob?"

However, if you're looking for one crucial statement, the one that ESPN would slap onto SportsCenter ahead of the game highlights if there was a sports star in court accused of chemical or carnal infractions, it is this.

In reply to Microsoft's claim that Google wants to control the world, Google's legal beagle (eagles do evil, beagles are cuddly), David Drummond, said:

"Microsoft has a long history of abusing and extending its dominant positions through anticompetitive practices."

Was that such a wise thing to say?

Because here's how it might have been interpreted:

"Look, yes, you'd have to be as blind as a realtor is dishonest to think that we're not trying to dominate the world. But Microsoft tried in a not-nice way and it didn't work out for them. We, the unusually nice people, are prepared to take on that mantle.

Of course, we want to be at least as dominant as they were. Well, alright, a little bit more dominant. But we want to do it in an unusually nice way. So why don't you let us try? It's good for the country. It's good for the world. Coincidentally, it's also good for any of your mutual funds that have Google shares.

It'll be like the Dream Team winning at the Olympics. For a change. Oh, and would we really tell your loved ones if you have searched for the Emperor's Club? Gosh, no. Us? Never."

It's very, very tough being a lawyer. There's just so much deceit you have to fight.