It is not easy to feed the egos of Hollywood celebrities. It is not even easy to merely feed their intestines.
This seems to be the conclusion one reaches from the story of Jon-Barrett Ingels, waiter to the stars. Well, now former waiter to the stars.
You see, Ingels was merely an extra in the vast set that is Beverly Hills. He would be still or sparkling, depending on his audience. And occasionally, he would turn his Twitter account into a diary of how hard it was to make his daily bread.
According to the delightful Los Angeles Times blog Brand X, Ingels worked at the Barney Greengrass establishment in Beverly Hills. I am not entirely familiar with it. However, a minuscule drift toward Citysearch reveals to me that within its exquisite walls, one can espy not only the Olsen twins, but also Pamela Anderson.
So it would not have fazed Ingels at all to greet Jane Adams, she of the HBO penis-inspired series "Hung" and formerly the terribly neurotic skinny thing who consorted with Niles on "Frasier." According to Ingels, Adams ordered a soup and a lemonade, and for this sustenance received an entirely reasonable check for $13.44.
Adams allegedly explained that she left her wallet in her car. Ingels said she could go out and get it, but he claims that she never returned that day.
Now, given that a large swath of Hollywood waiters are aspiring writers, actors, and gigolos, one should be unsurprised that Ingels subsequently blogged about this episode at HowToSucceedAsAFailure, which appears to be his magnum opus. Or perhaps magnum hopeless.
When a representative materialized the next day to pay for Adams' food, Ingels felt empowered to tweet at his Twitter account, PapaBarrett: "Tues: Jane Adams, star of HBO series "Hung," skipped out on a $13.44 check. Her agent called and payed the following day. NO TIP!!!"
Oh, Papa. Oh, Momma. Could he not hear the train coming even then? Well, no. When other celebrities were brought to his table, Barrett continued to tweet with an eagle's eye and a teenage boy's brain.
Ali Larter, the famous, um, person from "Heroes," was "not wearing a bra". BJ Novak, the louche and wayward intern from "The Office", was, perish the concept, "hungover."
As for Tori Spelling, she of the rather classic "Beverly Hills, 90210" and no obvious plastic surgery, well, Ingels described her as having "become hot." In the very same tweet, he offered indiscreetly that she eats "salami eggs and onions."
This was all within a few days in July. A month later, Ingels claims that Adams wandered into the restaurant, rather upset, and gave him his $3 tip. Ingels offered her platitudes of the "Aw, you didn't have to" sort. But Adams, he says, exclaimed, "Well, I read about it on Twitter!"
You know that the power of microblogging is such that this does not have a happy ending. Yes, Ingels was put out to green grass.
Of Adams, he muttered to Brand X, "All she could think about was herself and her pride and her ego."
I am not sure whether this was before he tweeted on August 15, "For the record, I think Jane Adams (Hung) is a great actress!!" and "Jane Adams (Hung), if you're listening, I am producing a Web series and would love you in it!!!"
So now PapaBarrett is unemployed but still tweeting. On September 10, he bemoaned that though the NFL has a Twitter policy, Barneys New York (visited by many a Greengrass patron) does not.
Jon-Barrett Ingels currently has 457 followers. He lists his occupation as "Unemployed, thanks to Twitter."
In a move that might be a lesson for my beloved (and, just occasionally, beloathed) Golden State Warriors this Friday, Microsoft has shut down LeBron James.
Two years ago, MSN and the Cleveland Cavalier superhero who looks 35 and is, allegedly, 13 or 14, announced big plans.
Now the deal, just as that of Buick and Tiger Woods, has floated down the Styx with Charon the boatman.
While no one believed that Tiger Woods would ever have allowed even his Secret Service doppelganger to actually own a Buick, there was at least some reason to conjecture that a LeBron James and MSN combination might be credible.
Indeed, Microsoft produced LeBronJames.com, a site that won a Webby and the hearts and fingers of at least some children.
Now the URL has been shunted into the GoDaddy parking lot, which seems to resemble the part of the Arizona desert where they store all those unwanted 747s.
The problem was that Microsoft could never really decide what to do with LeBron. (Get him a decent point guard and power forward, even if you have to rename them Ballmer and Gates. That would have been good sponsorship.)
He was nothing more than a flicker in the 'I'm a PC' campaign, something for which he may be grateful in future times.
And now one will be left wondering whether some other large tech brand might find a use for LeBron's skills.
My guess is that they'll wait until he's with the sweetly desperate Knicks. Or, perhaps, until he's revealed his real age.
Nike, having already collaborated with LCD Soundsystem on the creation of music that might enhance running performance, is now commissioning more young musicians to create tunes specifically for your sweaty ears.
A key in finding music that will improve your performance, some experts believe, is Beats Per Minute (BPM). The more beats in every 60 seconds, the more strides you are likely to take.
However, I understand that aerobic performance might also be enhanced by the rearrangement of a song's lyrics.
The Taylor and Francis Journal of Sports Science published research that concluded: "When selecting music for an individual, the effects of personal associations should be considered. For example, a boxer may have conditioned him or herself by listening to a certain piece of music prior to fighting. Where possible, practitioners should attempt to encourage the formation of such personal associations and harness their power."
If you make the lyrics more meaningful to you, then you will experience a heightened emotional involvement which will drive your body to more intense action.
Indeed, several of the more influential personalities of today's troubled world have been trying to find an extra edge through their ears. Some have, allegedly, commissioned well-known lyricists, producers and performers to reimagine existing works, specifically to improve their aerobic efficiency through their iPod-coddled ears.
I understand that Steve Jobs himself has had the Village People's YMCA reworked by Coldplay. The new personal jogger version has a much faster tempo and, in honor of Apple's successes when recently presenting its case to the recording industry's association, is entitled RIAA.
It includes the new lyric:
"R-I-AA, it's fun to play with the....R-I-AA.
You can make them congeal.
you can threaten their deal.
you can do anything you feel."
John McCain, who is said to take regular power walks up and down several of his homes in his singlet and shorts, managed to persuade Latino star (Mave)Ricky Martin to redo the Beach Boys' classic Barbara Ann.
To a fast, repetitive and haunting beat, the words assault the ears and make the listener run for the hills. But they are not the "Ba'mb, Ba'mb, Ba-Ba'mb Iran" lyrics with which Mr. McCain once regaled an audience. No, no. Instead we have:
"Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba-Barbra Bush.
Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba-Barbra Bush...".
Strangely, the verses include the line:
"Went to a dance,
looking for romance,
Saw Barbara Bush
and my insides turned to mush....".
You see, aerobic exercise and a traditional view of love really do go together.
Barack Obama is not one to be outdone. So it is not surprising that he has jumped on the personalized iPod running content bandwagon. Apparently, he managed to persuade Stevie Winwood, a star from quite a long time ago, to recreate his hit "Valerie".
Some of the words make for very moving listening:
"Hillareeee.. Call on me.
Hillareee, Call on me..
Come and see me...
I'll be here in the morning at three...."
Clearly, it helps to have the right connections to create your own jogging accompaniment. But perhaps Apple will consider allowing anyone to recreate their own performance-enhancing versions as part of the iTunes service.
More royalties for the artists. More loyalties for Apple.
I, for one, have a new version of the Vengaboys' Boom Boom Boom Techno Trance Dance Mix that I'd like Radiohead to have a look at.
Perhaps you, too, would like to share the ways in which you would like some of your favorite songs rewritten and rearranged for performance-enhancing purposes?
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