Just because there's a recession, it doesn't mean you can't find your dream job. So allow me to direct your boundless ambition toward an ad on Craigslist's Calgary site.
While many people scour Craigslist to see if Starbucks or Bed, Bath and Beyond might be seeking additions to their cheery teams, the poster of this ad is searching for an altogether more adventurous type, proudly announcing "Astronaut Needed (Northern Alberta)." Is that the cough of a million scoffs I hear? Perhaps. But this is truly an interesting opportunity, to say the least. Just look at the first, enticing sentence of the ad: "Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan."
Perhaps you might be concerned that this ad was not, in fact, placed by NASA. Please, let me put your mind into horizontal mode. The advertiser assures all applicants that he has been "working on this project for near 40 years." Indeed, the only reason he is seeking an Armstrong for his flight is that he himself seems to have weaker limbs now that the years have passed.
You might also be wondering what kind of craft will shuttle you into orbit. Well, again, I can be your Xanax. The advertiser declares that his secret craft is "the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist." You see, this man is a veritable expert in his field. This spaceship enjoys "a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material."
Surely, you can have no more concerns. Surely, you are ready to reply to this advertisement, beaming at the idea that you will soon be beamed into the great beyond. Well, in the interests of full disclosure, let me draw your attention to some of the finer details. In the advertiser's own persuasive and humane words: "I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history."
Yes, that's right. You won't be coming back. At all. Ever. So perhaps you might want to check what the nightlife is like on Titan. Because that might be the only way you could really create romantic history.
Should I have failed to deter you from applying for your life's (and death's) dream, do note that the job specs declare that you should be no taller than 5 feet 10 inches and "relatively slim." One imagines that any appearances in a Ralph Lauren advertisement might enhance your chances of being chosen.
Oh, and the advertiser also requires that you should be "mentally sound."
They pissed it. You may have missed it.
Recently, there was a fascinating glow in the sky that moved observers to ponder just what it might be.
I am assuming that Space.com is an authoritative source of information, for it informs me that the glow that was seen in the sky by so many last Wednesday was, indeed, astronauts' urine.
NASA spokeswoman Kylie Clem told a press conference that this aurora boreapiss was the result of the space shuttle Discovery releasing an unusual amount of water and urine into outer space.
I have never consciously weighed urine--not even my very strange biology teacher asked me to do that. But apparently about 150 pounds of liquid was sprinkled upon the stars.
Such a large release is relatively new, Clem said, and is related to recent restrictions on waste disposal while the space shuttle is docked with the International Space Station.
Regardless, when you release liquid waste matter into space it apparently freezes. Then the sun bathes it in its beams, turning it into vapor, and it wafts away in a glorious glow like a July 4th firework breathing its last.
Some observers even sent pictures in to SpaceWeather.com. (Go to September 10 in the archives.)
I hope this all doesn't mean that astronauts have stopped drinking their recycled urine.
Either way, it is reassuring that their waste matter is still giving someone at least a moment's psychological uplift before it disappears into the dark beyond.
I know readers of this site have strong constitutions.
But as the NASA rocket thingy shot up to the skies last night for another interesting mission, the only thing on my mind was the water they will drink.
Because it appears that they will be testing the idea of sipping their own recycled urine.
I know, I know. There are many cities in the world where the tap water is undrinkable. And I had hoped that this was merely a cost-cutting move in our tight times. But the fact is that this wastewater recycling gizmoid cost $250 million and is one of the featured experiments on this trip. Two more nuggets of information that make my natural ease turn to quease.
"We did blind taste tests of the water. Nobody had any strong objections. Other than a faint taste of iodine, it is just as refreshing as any other kind of water," NASA's lead urinary engineer Bob Bagdigian told the Daily Telegraph.
I understand that it's not easy keeping astronauts hydrated out there in the black beyond. And I know that there have even been Prime Ministers who swore by drinking their own entirely unrecycled piddle.
But some small part of me wishes there was, as Tony Blair always used to waffle, a third way.
This will be one of the last ten flights of the Space Shuttle. It is being retired and after 2010 the only flights to the space station will be Soyuzes.
But the current aim is for 92% of all the water drunk on board to be produced by the crew's urinary tracts and the moisture in the air- some of which might be created, one supposes, by sweating crew members.
The claim is that the astronauts will only be testing the system and not drinking on this trip. However, if you're intrepid enough to squeeze into a shuttle then surely you have the gumption and fascination to take a small tot of your recycled liquid waste. Just like the trying the wine in a restaurant, isn't it?
Well yes, except that when you listen to the chemistry of the process, Lord, it might turn your tummy. They distill, filtrate and oxidate.
The final gourmet touch is the addition of that little smidgen of iodine to control microbial growth. Which I'm assuming is something to do with little mites feeding on your waste and having babies half way down your throat.
I am sorry. As Heidi Klum always says on Project Runway: "one day urine and the next day urout." I'm out.
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