In cubicles all around Silicon Valley, geeks will be weeping Wednesday.
Yes, despite the best efforts of every possible method of social networking, Steve Wozniak was eliminated, ejected, rejected and thrown into the tango trash by the cruelty that is the voting process of "Dancing with the Stars."
A theory had wafted through the danceosphere that techies would hijack the online voting process and project their lovable, but not entirely ego-free, hero to the sinuous summit.
The fact that he was sent home suggests three possibilities.
One, the producers, deeply depressed at having their integrity besmirched by Woz's accusations of vote fixing made sure that he would go no further (making one of the less sexy humans on the planet perform the Argentine tango was not exactly an act of altruism).
Two, techies were so embarrassed by Woz's honest but heartily incompetent efforts at passing himself off as a super trouper that they performed the online equivalent of euthanasia. They pulled the plug on their Macs and condemned him to the dance of a thousand fails.
This despite the fact that the Twitter group supporting Woz numbered more than 103,000, which ought to have translated into a minimum of 2 million votes. (Woz admitted to his Facebook Support Group that he voted for himself: "I even voted and texted from my 2 cell phones last night, and this morning voted online from about 7 of my own email accounts.")
Or three, the chaps behind the Conficker virus interfered with Woz's inexorable rise to dancing's highest peak, fearing that his survival, and the uncontrolled excitement it would undoubtedly engender, would interfere with their attempt to dominate the online world April 1.
I think all three may have been to blame. (Although one has to be particularly suspicious about a voting system that claims to know when you have reached the limit of your allocated number of votes, but doesn't reveal the actual numbers)
Woz seems to have found himself in the middle of a perfect storm that might have blown Fred Astaire's umbrella clean out of his hands and into the arms of a passing lady of the night.
His professional partner, the infinitely sensual, flame-breathing Karina Smirnoff, did well to hide her displeasure as the ax fell gently upon her neck. At least she had avoided risk of injury in forthcoming weeks.
While Woz, as he stood for his final interview (together with the also-eliminated former Playboy model, Holly Madison), praised the show.
He even stretched credulity far beyond the four inches that he apparently shed from his waist with the constant jiggling, by praising the voting system.
Now we can only worry about his future. Will he become a regular on "Entertainment Tonight"? Will he occasionally step in for Drew Carey on "The Price is Right"? Or will he suddenly appear on "The Biggest Loser"?
Woz endeared himself to some and, frankly, enervated some others. But at least he showed character. Something the tech world's image has singularly and painfully lacked.
But if he calls you offering dancing lessons, perhaps it's best to take a rain check. Or, at the very least, claim a pulled hamstring, sore knee, ear infection, slipped disc, putrid patella, intestinal inflammation or just good old-fashioned gout.
He started with a rose between his teeth. He ended by spitting the thorns shoved into his mouth by the "Dancing with the Stars" judges right back at them.
Was Woz's sperm-infested Argentine tango any better than his worm-infested samba? Perhaps. In the same way that a poke in the eye with a short stick is better than a poke in the eye with a long one.
Hindered by an endearing lack of coordination, Woz succumbed to the same problem that had plagued him in rehearsals. He was unable to deliver the tango's nasty part.
His facial expression was that of a bank manager who suddenly finds himself unemployed and, to support his family, joins the Chippendales.
His professional partner, Karina Smirnoff, vigorously risked vim, limb, and, who knows, happiness in her forthcoming marriage by allowing Woz to lift her, contort her and support her with all the certainty of a 14-year-old on a date with Gisele Bundchen.
Asked to describe the dance, one judge, Carrie-Ann Inaba, said: "long."
The judges are in a difficult position. They know that the more they criticize Woz, the more likely he is to get more votes from the geeks, the freaks, the sensitive, the misbegotten, and the forgotten. (Most of America, indeed.)
But Bruno Tonioli, the most evocative of the Gang of Three, told Woz he loved him before declaring that the only part of the gutters of Buenos Aires that Woz had picked up was the stench.
Woz, who earlier had declared that "the geeks shall inherit the Earth" (a perilous thought for the geeks and the Earth, perhaps), shot back that he had just three words: "I'm still standing."
The judges gave him two more points than last week--12 out of 30. Yes, it was again the worst score. But was he really the worst on the night? It was close.
Former Playboy model and currently, oh, who knows, Holly Madison managed to fall off her stool and dance the rest of the way like a wounded gazelle in a horse box.
Former clown and "Jackass" jackass Steve-O, whose stupendous partner, Lacey Schwimmer, is tragically saddled with his physical deficiencies, wandered around the dance floor as if his severe indigestion had prevented him from finding a handkerchief that he dropped a couple of hours before.
Two couples will be sent home Tuesday night. And it is extremely possible that, with insane numbers of votes cast by utterly demented fans, Woz and Karina will live to fight another death.
Is this entertainment? Well, perhaps. But, underlying it all, there seems to be a deep desire on the part of Woz to hijack the proceedings by proving his Act of the Impossibles can actually win the show.
ABC won't let that happen, of course. However, the love-hate dance may still have a couple of weeks left in it.
Once upon a time, Debbie did Dallas. Monday, Steve Wozniak is fully intending to hump a little Hollywood. Yes, unbridled, uninhibited, unimaginable sex. In the form of the Argentine tango.
His e-mails to his Facebook Support Group have become so detailed, so intimate, that at times, I find myself wondering what it would be like if Woz grabbed me by the digits and whisked me onto the dance floor.
I imagine that his grip might be a little sweaty and uncertain. I also imagine that I would be wishing he were his professional partner, Karina Smirnoff.
However, Woz is determined to be the sexiest entertainer since Ru Paul. (Well, for some.)
In rehearsals for his Argentine tango, he has struggled to find the right eyebrow furrow. You see, the Argentine tango is a love-hate thing. And Woz is struggling with the hate part. You'd think that he would just imagine the judges.
He's also begun to play his dance music while he sleeps. This would lead me to suggest that he succeeded in popping down to his local Apple store, where the nice chaps at the Genius Bar soothed his iTunes back to life, though Woz has not revealed whether his MacBook did, indeed, lose some bits.
Perhaps to dial up the sexiness, so that you will dial up the voting lines, Woz has revealed a sexy joke that is keeping him and Karina in erotic stitches. (Oh, most of you have surely experienced erotic stitches once in your lives.)
It's the one about "the guy who checks into a hotel and asks for his porn channel to be disabled. The clerk tells him that their porn channel is normal and calls him a sick bastard."
Whatever gets you in the mood to tango, I say. And Woz is preparing to create a very special mood on Monday. With the help of Karina's fiance (the man who had to dance with the eliminated Denise Richards), Woz and his partner have concocted a move that seems to suggest that he is lifting up her dress with his foot.
"It's way out of character for this dance, but I can't help it," Wozniak wrote. "I'm sort of treating the judges like voyeurs at a peep show, ha ha ha."
Please, if you have never watched this show, nor ever considered voting for anyone in it, surely the moment has come for you to lay down your inhibitions and watch one of tech's most celebrated figures perform some peep for the peeps.
Then, why not do your technological duty and vote? (the Votewoz Twitter group now numbers more than 92,000).
Woz's Facebook Support Group would like to remind you (as my subjective objectivity forces me to remain impartial) that you can register lots of different e-mail addresses with ABC. This means you can call in 10 votes and e-mail at least 10 votes. If you're clever. Which all of you are.
Perhaps you, too, upon voting, will suddenly imagine that Woz's slightly sweaty hand is reaching out to you, while he whispers: "Let's tango, sugarplum."
(I will, because it is now my moral duty, be watching the show at 8pmPST- it's on at 7pm in the Central Sexuality Zone- and offering my views as soon after the dancing as my excitement allows me to form words. In advance, may I admit that I will, occasionally, be flipping channels to see how the Golden State Warriors are doing against The Grizzlies)
I know that most of you are, by now, so into "Dancing with the Stars" that you are being accused of ADD. Attention to Dancing Disorder.
So please pay attention, because I have an announcement to make. Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak's iTunes has crashed. And it is affecting his rehearsals significantly.
I know that you will all want to join me at the heart of the problem. So here is Woz's own description from his latest e-mail to his Facebook Support Group: "it quits with horrible error messages...odd, since I'd had no crashes of any kind...I hope my MacBook Pro SSD is not losing bits."
I know that some may lose a bit or two at the thought of Woz wandering down to his local Apple Store to get his iTunes fixed. But that is precisely what he intends to do at some point Thursday.
Here's why this is so important. Woz and his partner, the patient, pouting Karina Smirnoff, will be dancing the Argentine tango next Monday. And the tune to which they will be enacting their PG-13 sex ritual is not one that is familiar to Woz. Buddy Holly wasn't really a tango man.
This means that Woz needs to give it extra listens so that he can capture its rhythms and dark subtleties, and so that he can prepare his body for the moment when Karina wraps one of her legs around him and whispers sweet everythings into his ear, shoulder, or wherever her head ends up.
I don't know which Apple store Woz will choose, but I hope that every Apple employee in the LA area is on red alert.
It's not every day you can participate in helping a tech legend tango his way to the peak of entertainment.
I am fairly confident in thinking that Steve Wozniak has never slept with Charlie Sheen.
Perhaps it was this small, imperfectly-formed thought embedded in people's minds that saved the Apple co-founder on "Dancing with the Stars" and condemned Denise Richards, the former Mrs. Sheen, to elimination. People's predilections are often based on such fickle suppositions--especially when it comes to voting up to 13 times.
Perhaps, though, it was also the tech industry that lifted Woz up on an emotional sedan chair and carried his beaten body to yet another week of competition.
In the elimination show, the world was even spared a reprise of Woz's less than sambadextrous dance. And worm. He wasn't even in the dance-off.
If you are wondering why, then you must be one of the few techies who didn't participate in what could have been one of the greatest get-out-the-vote campaigns since Reese Witherspoon fluttered her eyelids in "Election."
The votewoz Twitter group, which now numbers over 62,000 committed lunatechs, clearly had an effect. The derisory marks offered by the judges meant that Woz needed far more viewers' votes than last week, in a system that is so honest it has never required a visit from United Nations observers.
Woz got the votes. Even though, as I wrote in an earlier post, Woz's survival may signal the arrival of the Sargeant Effect, where more and more viewers vote for the contestant whom the judges most deride, just for the fun of it.
When ABC's Tom Bergeron announced Woz's survival, his partner, the delectable and slightly dangerous Karina Smirnoff screamed with an ecstasy never, ever heard in pornographic circles.
Is it possible that Fake Steve Jobs voted 13 times for Real Steve Wozniak?
(Credit: CC Mark Coggins)And when Woz was asked whether he was surprised, he said: "I don't think I've ever been so surprised by anything in my life except maybe for when I got served with divorce papers."
I am not sure how many times he has actually been served with divorce papers by another party but am beginning to suspect he has started using jokes written by another party.
First, there was a passable Smirnoff vodka joke (rooted, some feel, in a picture caption on Technically Incorrect) and now a more than acceptable divorce jape.
You might have to take the rest of the day off work when I tell you that next week, contestants will have to take on one of two new dances: the Argentine tango and the quite wonderful lindy hop.
Please pray to whomever or whatever you believe in that Woz gets the hop. He can make an entertaining mockery out of that one.
Whereas it would be far harder to give the Woz treatment to a drippingly sexual creation such as the Argentine tango. Oh, and did I mention two couples will be voted off next week?
Now we'll really see how powerful the tech community is in its commitment to high art and, of course, forcing the world to see things the techie way.
We all die. And none of us wants to breathe our last without experiencing everything.
This is precisely why one can admire Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak's attempts to dance the samba with a bad hamstring on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars."
However, on Monday night, he walked a delicate line between parody and embarrassment. And I am not sure many police officers would have let him back into the driver's seat after his walk.
Steve Wozniak takes a worm break during the samba.
(Credit: ABC)Actually, for a part of his samba, he rolled a less than delicate line on the floor, attempting a "worm" that resembled nothing more than Mr. Creosote having his first swimming lesson in a yoga studio.
Simply put, his dancing wasn't. His arms flailed, his legs failed, and his rhythm sailed off into a sunset that left only a storm.
The judges looked like the crabby old men in the balcony on the "Muppet Show" shortly after they had witnessed a 90-year-old woman pole-dancing naked at a wake.
They used words like "terrible" and phrases such as "the novelty wears off" and "the worst samba I have ever seen," as they offered Woz a total of 10 points out of 30, the equivalent of a $10 tip on a $4,000 bill. This wasn't merely the worst score by far. This was an expression of resentment.
Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff's final move.
(Credit: ABC)The humor in all this is that Woz is not necessarily eliminated. If enough sympathizers, Twitterers, techies, contrarians, and philosophically or physically sightless people decide to make a point, Woz might even avoid another dance-off.
This is a phenomenon known as the Sargeant Effect. John Sargeant is a roly-poly BBC political correspondent who blundered onto the original English version of the show, called "Strictly Come Dancing".
Smirnoff and Wozniak keep smiling during a judge's not-so-nice remarks.
(Credit: ABC)He danced like a stilt-walker with Tourette's. The judges, two of whom are also judges on "Dancing with the Stars," were desperate to see him return to politics or, at the very least, an ER or a bar. Instead, the viewers kept voting him back.
The situation became so fraught that Mr. Sargeant himself quickstepped away from the competition because he (or, perhaps, a producer or two) was afraid he would win.
Perhaps the greatest part of Woz's performance is the apparent equanimity with which he takes the judges' withering glances at his dances--although he did threaten to perform mischief on one of the judges' computers.
Tuesday night's results show (9 p.m. EDT and PDT and 8 p.m. in the Central Samba-free Zone) will be unquestionably riveting. It is clear, however, just where the judges would like to drill their rivets.
Can Twitter move people to do more than, well, just Twitter?
Tonight will see an interesting and very public experiment that will prove whether 140 characters can mobilize millions to do what the characters behind the 140 characters want. Yes, we are talking about the sweet and spirited movement called Twitter/votewoz.
This group, dedicating to furthering the presence of Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars", has amassed more than 54,000 followers. Which seems to be around 52,500 more than his Facebook Support Group.
The Votewoz Twitterdome was erected by a somewhat nerdy type from Charlotte called Chris Harrington. Mr. Harrington is the technology director for Luquire George Andrews, a marketing, advertising, PRing sort of company.
Naturally, Mr. Harrington has a yearning to meet his twinkletoed, Teletubbyish hero. However, he told the Charlotte Observer: "It would be really cool to connect. But on the flip side, we're just doing this to help someone that's part of the geek community. It's really all about him."
The Votewoz Twitterdome, if every member votes the 13 times the show's uncannily honest producers allow, should be able to amass something like 700,000 votes. (Oh, you don't expect me to do the precise math, do you?)
"Dancing with the Stars" gets millions and millions of votes. Allegedly. So these committed and forthright Twitterati will need their movement to go boldly beyond their own number and out into the ether for continued Woz success.
I will be watching the results closely. I am sure Woz will be watching them even more closely.
It's been a tense 24 hours for those who love high-class entertainment.
But Steve Wozniak has finally decided that, hamstring be damnedstring, he will samba with his professional partner, Karina Smirnoff, on tonight's "Dancing with the Stars."
In a typically emotional e-mail to his Facebook Support Group, Woz revealed that he was wincing when he walked. This is much more painful than mincing.
However, Karina, the wily, sophisticated, slightly moody Russian, has modified their samba routine so that Woz's strained hamstring can take the strain.
However, the artist's heightened consciousness of subterfuge and conspiracy that so richly decorated Woz's e-mails of last week has not entirely disappeared.
He said: "(Karina) was of the opinion that if I withdrew from 'Dancing With The Stars,' rumors would fly that I was using this injury as an excuse. She has danced with pulled hamstrings many times. I can tell you from how this one felt that it's not the same for a 20-year-old as it is for a 58-year-old."
There are, indeed, few things more poisonous to a man's reputation than flying rumors. Ask any ABC producer.
Woz is extremely concerned that he is behind the other couples in rehearsal time: "We lost nearly two days of rehearsal due to my inability to do anything, not to mention hospitals and MRIs and more over two days. So rehearsalwise, we are behind everyone else, but we are feeling confident that we can do something of value tomorrow. You'll have to see."
I fear I may be saying this for the last time, but the tech world has singularly failed to support the Woz in his quest for toe-twinkling greatness.
The fact that he was in the bottom two last week, coupled with the fact that he himself declared the voting to be scrupulously accurate (having suggested previously that it might actually resemble a four-dollar bill), tells me that Woz's disciples are sitting on their hands, burying their heads in World of Warcraft, and refusing to dial and click.
While the great man said he is very tired and would prefer people not to e-mail and call him, he is desperate to be the round mound of rebound of this week's show (airing at 8 p.m. EST and PST, and 7 p.m. in the central desert).
Would it really hurt for you all to vote for him, say, 13 times? For all lovers of high-class entertainment, if nothing else.
I will, of course, be glued to the action tonight and describing it as soon after the performance as my joie de vivre allows.
If those who died generations ago were to be reincarnated, they would surely choose to come back as Steve Wozniak's mind rather than his body.
On Friday, he rehearsed his way into a hamstring strain and was seen hobbling around a CVS Pharmacy in Los Angeles. As far as I am aware, he was not in search of more chocolate.
According to E! Online, a CVS shopper reported that the Apple co-founder was "limping pretty badly."
In truth, his tenure on "Dancing with the Stars" was already limping pretty badly.
Having accused ABC's producers of lying and setting him up, he withdrew his complaints, described the producers as scrupulously honest (a first in Hollywood history, if ever there was one), and even took down his critical e-mail.
He has already suffered a fractured foot and a painful knee. Even his pride was taking a beating from the less than complimentary judges.
This week, neither his blog ("Welcome to a Free Exchange of Information, the Way it always Should Be") nor his Facebook Support Group have received any updates from the man himself.
Of course, perhaps this is just another conspiracy theory. Just as Woz's accusations of a conspiracy last week came true (he was in a dance-off, which he won), perhaps this week, he is lulling the other competitors into a false sense of security, before suddenly blooming into a cross between Astaire and Baryshnikov.
You think I am puffing on a suspicious cigar? Here is my evidence. On Friday, Woz.org, Steve Wozniak's blog, had an update and a picture of the newly disabled Woz. Both have suddenly disappeared.
On Monday at 8 p.m., we will see if Woz's hamstring injury was merely ham(string) acting.
I wonder if Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and the producers of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars" will meet for coffee and a slice of cake before next week's show.
Earlier on Tuesday, Woz had declared that he was being set up by those cynical Hollywood producer types.
He said that if he was in the bottom two, it would be "an outright lie." And he was convinced that the fix was in for him and his partner, Karina Smirnoff, to be in the dance-off (and win it) in order to boost ratings.
You will be stunned beyond your pajamas to hear that he was, indeed, in the bottom two. And that, yes, he was in the dance-off. And that yes, he won it, leaving a distraught Go-Go girl, Belinda Carlisle, to wonder whether her hip action really had been worse than Woz's fumbling, bumbling, and stumbling legs, arms, torso, and enthusiasm.
Now here's the truly weird thing. When you've set up a conspiracy theory that appears to come true, perhaps the last thing you might be expected to do is apologize to the alleged conspirators. Yet that is precisely what Woz did.
In his latest letter to his dancing Facebook diocese, he said, "Yesterday, I wrote my suspicions of the secret 'Dancing With The Stars' audience vote tabulations. I wrote that the producers were liars, simply because I truly believed in that possibility, not because I had a shred of evidence. I hurt a lot of honest people."
But, Woz, Woz, your conspiracy theory appears to have played out exactly as you predicted!
He was having none of it: "The top people of this show, (the) ones responsible for counting audience votes and keeping them honest, told me all the specific details of where their numbers came from."
Aha. Those wily coyotes of the production world appealed to his sense of numeracy. And then they knew the way to his heart. They showed him their machines.
"I was offered an opportunity to see the equipment they use also. You can tell when things are extremely on the level. You can also see why the exact totals cannot be released. That would make it harder to detect fraud."
Fraud? Did someone mention fraud? Oh, yes, Woz did.
"One main way that they detect fraud is, when the phone-in votes and text votes and Internet votes don't follow each other, percentage-wise. There are other things they look for as well that IT experts would detect as signals of something wrong," he explained.
The appeal to his IT experts' chops seems to have done the trick.
"Conrad (Green) and the other producers are not liars," Woz said. "They are extremely honest people, in my mind...In this case, they are certainly more honorable and honest than myself."
The self-critical salsa didn't stop there: "I was around some swarming emotions yesterday. Now I feel like a heel who stuck his shoe in his mouth, no puns intended."
I don't know about you, but I feel like a large pinot noir.
Here's what we can conclude: One, the supposed geek vote did not materialize in large numbers. If it had, he would not have been in the bottom two. (Because now we know the vote tally is absolutely, totally, unimpeachably honest.)
Two, the folks at ABC and the Woz are putting flowers in their hair and singing of peace, love, and understanding. Conspiracy theories are dead, and next week, the Apple co-founder will dance his lungs beyond their capacity again.
Who knows, perhaps he will be the next Bachelor too? That's an ABC show, isn't it?
