Microsoft

Have you ever been hurt by a lover who went back to her ex?

Have you ever experienced that constant troubling frisson, even when you were with them, that it was only a matter of time?

Well, might I offer you a little televisual solace? Jerry Seinfeld, he who walked a mile in Bill Gates' shoes with the man himself, has gone back to his first wife, the Mac.

It seems almost a movie from an alien world to remember Jerry and Bill buying shoes and moving in with a normal American family.

I know some found these ads bizarre. I found that a good thing. And a very good thing for Microsoft. These movies were a delight, a departure, a signal of something that was finally different, a signal that someone was, well, thinking different.

Yes, they didn't last. They were, perhaps too daring for their time and their brand. But they were more viral than the "I'm a PC" campaign.

So to now discover that Seinfeld has appeared on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with a MacBook Pro craftily centered on his desk is to experience something akin to a kitchen knife being sharpened upon one's spine by a recently fired busboy.

You can see a still over at TUAW, because I am too disturbed to show it here.

Although I have embedded a little waffle from Seinfeld and his co-starring minions explaining their enthusiasm for "Curb"'s Larry David.

However, if it is, indeed, remotely true that Seinfeld was paid $10 million for his aborted Microsoft ads, one might have hoped that he would have wondered if it was quite right to be seen with a Mac again so quickly.

Unless, of course, Apple paid him $15 million. Which they wouldn't. The company would have been more ready for him to pay it. So, Jerry, love "Curb Your Enthusiasm". But did you really have to? Did you?

I feel fairly confident that Windows 7 will turn out to better than its predecessor.

I feel fairly confident that it will not turn hairy users bald, nor cause sane users to enter institutions of mental restructuring.

However, I have been watching these two pieces of film from Japan with some small prick of concern.

In each we see a television personality attempting to enjoy the touch screen facility and, well, finding the screen as frigid as a beer in a Reykjavik bar.

I don't speak Japanese quite well enough beyond "watashiwa kekong shtemasen" (no, I am not married) to know what is being said.

However, the fine Japanese news source, Japan Probe, was itself somewhat discombobulated by these two seemingly unrelated incidents of Windows 7 opacity.

I should say that both these clips appear to come from Fuji TV, so I hope that they didn't manage to obtain a rather duff copy of the operating system.

But there is something disconcerting about seeing the rather serious gentleman in the beige jacket and imposingly expensive watch fail to expand his view of the world. His face is so unbearably fixed, as if it too has been frozen in sympathy with what is happening on the screen.

It also affects one's blood pressure to see the chap in the waistcoat on the breakfast show "Tokudane", continually tap a file, then the Windows logo, then any and every part of the screen in a vain attempt to make for a little exciting television.

Indeed, one of his fellow televisual employees scuttles up and crouches down in front of the screen and tries to help him out. Yet still his screen finger skills bear as much fruit as, well, some fingers that attempted to make sense of Vista.

I am sure these were isolated incidents caused by inferior configuration or some kind of digital unfamiliarity.

However, I will be eagerly scouring the Web for sales figures from Japan.

Seth MacFarlane

Microsoft said Monday it has canceled its sponsorship of a planned variety show with the creator of the "Family Guy."

In a statement, a Microsoft representative said the show--a variety show to be done by Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane--was not "a fit with the Windows brand." Microsoft had hoped to use the show to tout its just-released Windows 7 operating system.

"We initially chose to participate in the Seth and Alex variety show based on the audience composition and creative humor of 'Family Guy,' but after reviewing an early version of the variety show it became clear that the content was not a fit with the Windows brand," the representative said.

Microsoft had announced plans earlier this month to present the Fox TV special.

Now who didn't see this coming?

Was Apple going to keep quiet about the launch of Microsoft's Windows 7?

Do raccoons know how to get at the leftover spaghetti in your garbage can?

So, indeed, here is an immediate retort starring Messrs. John Hodgman and Justin Long.

Apple's appeal is a very simple one. It is one that you have heard this before, often late at night, often inebriated, sometimes over the telephone.

Surely you remember the script: "Your lover let you down before? You went back to her. She was unfaithful again. And still you went back to her. Now she comes a-callin', telling you things will be different this time...and YOU'RE GOING TO BELIEVE HER? WHAT ARE YOU? NUTSOID?!!!"

However, this time, it doesn't stop there. Because Apple also specifically asks XP users whether it's terribly wise to go with Windows 7 when Mac is No. 1 for customer satisfaction. (The XP user, naturally, decides she doesn't need "pain and frustration.")

Apple has decided to create this little surge of communication, more examples of which you can watch here, designed to prick at your conscience while Microsoft tries to pick at your pocket.

Which suitor should you trust? The one who's supposedly let you down before or the cool, allegedly costly one?

In a tough economy, what may be most telling is how many people decide to bide their time and hide their money, until Windows 7 is deemed to be worthy of at least a steady relationship.

When, like Microsoft, you've suffered more criticism for your operating system than Tom Cruise has for his height, you have to really think deeply when you launch something new.

You could go out and continue to tell people that you're very clever. But then they'd be a little more reluctant to believe you.

You could tout Windows 7 as the brainspawn of a whole new generation of terribly clever engineers. But then consumers might have a vision of an operating system created by pot-smoking, pot-bellied youths with the body odor of mousetrapped rats.

So you reach the conclusion that you've listened to both the great washed and unwashed out there and designed a new operating system completely according to their needs.

Then you draw on a little creative license and suggest that Windows 7 was actually not Microsoft's idea at all, but that of all the suffering, frustrated, maddened folks who screamed at Vista till their neighbors called 911, shortly followed by a call to their local Apple store.

This new ad undoubtedly embraces Microsoft's newly discovered zest for emotional values. It is charming, safe, warm--visual cocoa for a bleak economic winter.

It's just that I can't help thinking that if Windows 7 does go wrong--or at least if your own copy of seizes up like a nervous "America's Got Talent" contestant--then aren't you, one of the billions of brains behind this new system, just a little complicit in its failure?

They're really clever, those new marketing people at Microsoft.

It is always fun when serious people offer a confessional.

On Microsoft's Bing blog, director Stefan Weitz decides to tell everyone who will listen that he has been an "avid rocket launcher since 1975."

I am not aware what effect this might have had on his parents, his neighbors, or the local police and fire services as he was growing up, but I can find no evidence that he was ever arrested for such avid launching.

Weitz is now, however, vexed that science is not cool in school.

So he and his friends at the Bingdome have decided to revive child enthusiasm for launching.

Please welcome Mission: 10,000 Rockets, a program designed to get your kids to design rockets that will successfully immolate beyond ashes several countries of which we have not become fond.

No, wait. I haven't got that quite right.

Perhaps something like this will be useful for a trip to the planet Titan?

(Credit: CC Erik Charlton/Flickr)

Mission: 10000 Rockets is, in fact, asking kids to imagine what the next generation of space travel might look like. If you can get your kids to walk away from their Grand Theft Auto and design the rockets of the future, they might get their creations actually built.

No, not to full size, but at least they will be brought to physical being by some "cool artists" whose work might just be worth a fortune one day.

A book of all the designs will also be produced, all the proceeds from which will be returned to schools. And eight extremely fortunate schools will receive $5,000 to fund scientific projects in their cash-strapped establishments.

As a recent job advertisement for an astronaut in the Calgary edition of Craigslist proved, there is a renewed enthusiasm in the space project, some of it no doubt engendered by the very real prospect that our own world will shortly disintegrate.

So what better way to make your children productive this weekend than by getting them to design a spacecraft that might, one day, preserve a little humanity for the residents of the Planet Titan to marvel at?

While Microsoft didn't have anything new to announce at its first annual Open House in New York on Tuesday, it spent a lot of money turning the huge New York Armory into a showcase for its fall product line.

Robbie Bach, head of Microsoft's entertainment and devices division, delivered a 30-minute opening presentation highlighting everything from Windows 7 to Windows Phone to Xbox Live and Zune. But the Open House was really intended to be an open house, with a heavy emphasis on lifestyle applications for the company's various products.

There was also some rather funky stuff (read:weird) that included women dressed up in bird costumes. So check out the slideshow below--and Natali Del Conte's video report, above--to get the full flavor of the event. And as always, feel free to comment.

Microsoft Open House 2009

Microsoft's launch party videos have proven to be entertaining to viewers even if not for the reasons for the marketing department had hoped for. There were a great many comments on my post that provided context to their release, but generally speaking most industry-watchers have been confused as to the goals behind the program, questioning the target audience not just for the videos, but for the launch parties as well.

I reached out to Microsoft for comment but they withheld at this time as the videos are apparently just one step in a much larger integrated marketing campaign.

I personally found the most recent video weird, but after thinking through things a bit I think this is a case of a good idea hampered by poor execution. The videos are well-done and professional and try to connect with consumers in a humanistic tone. The fact that it feels like you stumbled into a shiny-happy Windows world filled with sit-com throwaways is the problem. Even if this is a training video to show others how to throw a launch party, it's hard to connect with the vapid characterizations of party guests.

This is the crux of Microsoft's marketing problems. It's not that they aren't good at technical marketing issues, it's that the brand itself is so voluminous, it's very hard for people to connect to specific products like Windows. And the efforts to persuade consumers isolate the tech media and confuse IT shops.

There are those who believe Windows 7 doesn't need selling.

As long as reviewers continue to suggest that it is a fine, fine thing, then people will gravitate towards it as they buy their (much cheaper than Mac) PCs.

Microsoft is, however, taking no chances. It has released nine new ads designed for you to not be ashamed of being seen in public using the new operating system.

And what's the best way of encouraging people to not feel ashamed? Why, you try to make your product cool.

It is not cool to ever tell people you are cool. You must be it. You must sound it. And you must look it.

So I have embedded three of the films for you to decide just how far up your frigid cool scale Windows 7 has risen.

You may note the very sparse use of words, the delicate musical choices, even the sly wit.

For myself, I tend to notice the rather excessive scrubbing that seems to have been eked out upon far too many of the actors.

Casting is a very difficult art, and especially in the "Your PC. Your Life" film, I wonder if the man who sings about waiting for his spaceship to fly (and what can that possibly mean?) doesn't look a little too polished to be a truly raw exemplar of cool.

Still, as Mao Tse-Tung was always fond of whispering to those closest to him in intimate situations: "A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or painting a picture, or doing embroidery."

No, wait, that wasn't the quote I was searching for. It's this one: "Women hold up half the sky."

No, no, it can't be that one. It's definitely this one: "Despise the enemy strategically, but take him seriously tactically."

You see, the enemy's tactics are, as Microsoft has learned sometimes to its cost, very cool indeed.