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A method to the iPhone madness?
June 29, 2007 -
At the D5 confab, a high-tech A list
May 31, 2007
(continued from previous page)
So...I have to ask. If, as you've said, LSD inspired the Apple II, what drug inspired the iPhone?
Fake Steve: Well I've been using crystal meth pretty heavily for the past few years, but I don't know if I would say it inspired the iPhone. Maybe it did.
Does that account for the paranoia when it comes to product leaks?
Fake Steve: Very much so. I can't stand disloyalty.
But I mean, specifically the meth. I mean, if you were toking up, what do you think your reaction to leaks would be? After all, isn't that a much more vegan substance?
Fake Steve: Well, I do still smoke pot. It takes the edge off the crank. But yeah, the crank makes me very paranoid. We've put in some crazy security stuff. You wouldn't believe it.
Tell me what you've got.
Fake Steve: All the usual stuff: iris scanners, fingerprint readers. But we've doubled the size of our security squad in the past year, and also armed them more heavily. It used to be just tasers. Now they're carrying real guns. And we're also doing lots of groundbreaking stuff with neural implants. We started with the PR people. That's how we get them to recite stuff about the iPhone battery life. I hate seeing them described in (New York Times writer) Joe Nocera's column as "robots." They're not robots. They're cyborgs. Big difference.
So, changing gears a little bit. In the film Pirates of Silicon Valley, Noah Wylie played you. How did you feel about there being a "fake" Steve Jobs?
Fake Steve: I only wished that he looked more like me so I could send him to attend events in my place.
Fake Steve: Well, my forthcoming book includes a rather long explanation of why fear works, and I think it's going to break new ground in the world of business management techniques. But just to give you a hint: look at that movie The Bridge on the River Kwai. Remember how well those lazy, stupid Brits built that bridge? Now ask yourself, Why? Because of fear. Those hardass Japanese scared the (crap) out of them, and they played way above their abilities. Same with apple employees. Plus I just like doing it. It's fun.
Firing people really turns me on. It's invigorating. When I'm bored or can't think of a new idea, I'll just go out on campus and fire someone for no reason. It's like fresh blood for a vampire.
In addition to running Apple, you're the biggest shareholder in Disney and a board member. When are you going to take over as CEO there?
Fake Steve: I'm not. I like having Robert Iger there to take the heat. I'm running the place, make no mistake. I have been since the merger. But Iger is a great spokespuppet, sort of like Om Malik and Michael Arrington.
Now, why no Beatles on iTunes? The people want it.
Fake Steve: Two words: F-----g Yoko (Ono). She insists that if we put songs on iTunes we must call the band "John Lennon and the Beatles," and we must list Yoko as a band member, even on the early albums, which were recorded before she met him.
What's next for you now that the iPhone is at least an initial success?
Fake Steve: Hoo, boy. Well as you probably understand, the iPhone is going to need a few more major iterations before we really get it right. That will keep me busy for a few years. Plus, I'll be taking over the music and movie industries.
What are the odds the backdating scandal forces you out of Apple and back to Reed College (where Jobs matriculated, but never graduated)?
Fake Steve: Out of Apple, I'd say odds are 2 to 1 in favor of this happening. Back to Reed, I don't know. I doubt it. I'll go play
Segway polo with Woz.
There are some people who think you just might not be the real Steve Jobs. What is your response to that?
Fake Steve: I'm a bit taken aback. I can't imagine where anyone gets that idea. I'm sort of at a loss for words.
See more CNET content tagged:
Fake Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs, identity, Apple iPhone, blog
catalog on iTunes.
Stupid music frigtards. And people call Apple's contract terms
egregious? Hello? At least Apple has only been screwing musicians
for four years - Universal's been doing it for over ten times as
long!
How do I know? I went over to FSJ's blog and was reading an entry from 7/1 that read (in part) as follows:
He says his favorite line out of all the coverage was in this story from the Saturday New York Times where some moron named Norbert who'd waited on line outside the Fifth Avenue shrine since Wednesday ...
"Waited on line ..." It was one of the first linguistic idiosyncrasies I noticed about New Yorkers when I moved to Long Island from St. Louis about 40 years ago: they say "waited on line" and not "waited *in* line."
Not a huge help in the quest to unmask FSJ, I admit -- but it does narrow the field a bit.
Your insight of this person being from New York supports my conjecture.
I don't want to out him (if it is indeed him) but my username can serve as a clue as to who I think it is.
Obviously, you did NOT interview the genuine FSJ. Judging by
the feeble responses to your interview, you interviewed some
random fake Fake Steve Jobs. I'd say you're testing an
unsuspecting summer intern to fill in a spot during a slow news
week.
The only frigtard with less edge would be U2's one and fokkin'
only Edge. FSJ is, like, soooo sharper than that! I'm not fooled by
your weak attempt at stealing FSJ's thunder!
Yours? NOT!
flyermoney, un-Enderling brain-farts since clueless was the
norm.
No ****, Sherlock! And why would that be? Maybe because C|net
has such a naked hatred of anything Apple? Maybe because
C|net was bought and paid for by MS years ago? Maybe because
C|net is president of the Bill Gates Fan Club of America?
I mean look at the "user" review ratings of the iPhone. There's
something like 514 posts and 500 of them were posted BEFORE
the iPhone was released. "User" reviews my arse. And now C|net
is pushing those "user" reviews. And, of course, both Safari and
Firefox (Mac) time out because of too many redirects which
means all the reviews were posted by non-Mac "user" of the
iPhone.
And C|net has the audacity to lament the fact that the real SJ
won't talk to them so they interview the fake SJ instead? Throw
me a bone here. Scott. Where are the sharks with the laser
beams on their heads?
We have enough fakes in the world, they're a dime a dozen.
Should it turn out this FSJ is really him, the guy has issues.