November 1, 2007 4:00 AM PDT

Perspective: How to be a tech blowhard

See all Perspectives
How to be a tech blowhard
Has Facebook replaced government?

This is the sort of outlandish speculation I've come to know and love from an industry that thrives on hype. As far as I can tell, no one has actually said it yet, but let's give it time: It's not even lunchtime, and any number of theories are bound to pop up before the end of the day.

"Is Wikipedia the new Microsoft, or the new Intel?" "Can Larry Ellison make a rock bigger than he can lift? What if he's wearing his magic loincloth?" "Can I get crabs in Second Life?"

All you really have to do is string together two or three nouns or concepts in a semiprovocative fashion, and you've become a one-person think tank.

Remember that video trotting around the Web predicting the rise of Googlezon? It speculated what would happen if Google and Amazon.com merged. The video predicted a one-world domination of media, information, and thought.

In reality, the merger would mostly have resulted in a lot of "Ten Great Garden Hoses for under $29!!!" and "Deepak Chopra, Now in Pop-up" spam. Ominous, yes, but a manageable sort of ominous. Kind of like a steadily growing pile of unredeemed Valpak coupons in a kitchen drawer.

Want to become a pundit? Here are some tips:

1. Be insane or obvious, but not both.
There are two basic reactions you're shooting for. You either want to: one, stun someone into a temporary catatonic state with enigmatic predictions, or two, confirm their prejudices and personal beliefs. In other words, it's either "Can Hewlett-Packard patent the number 6?" or "Although a lot of people dislike it, Microsoft will make a lot of money."

Being outlandish and predictable at the same time, though, is tough--unless you graduate to compound sentences. Then you can do "Hannah Montana has dramatically boosted Disney's profits, which could make her an ideal candidate for taking over for Jerry Yang at Yahoo." Still, the audience likes to pigeonhole its lunatics, so stick to a consistent mood.

2. Watch the Nielsens.
With Oracle's attempted takeover of BEA Systems, the Redwood City, Calif.-based software company will...well, who really cares? Enterprise software courses through our lives, but only the guy who runs the tech department at the DMV really has to worry about what it does. The only things important to know about Oracle are that Vigga the killer whale used to swim in the ponds outside the headquarters when Marine World was there, and that it is still a player in the "Best Corporate Cafeteria" race.

Focus on the targets that everyone follows--Google, social networking, Apple. In fact, why not blurt "Is Apple becoming Google, or is it the other way around?" during the next break at a conference. People will be flocking to you like you're Uri Geller.

If you're interested in clean energy, there's a simple principle: the more distant and unlikely a technology, the more popular it is. Energy efficiency is probably the most promising field for cutting greenhouse gases. But when the smart-grids panels come up at the green conferences, everyone heads for the coffee urn. Put on a presentation about a car that runs on compressed air, and the place is packed.

3. Find a good enemy.
One acronym: RIAA. The public hates them. Why? Because they are going after people who are breaking the law. How much more heinous can you be?

Sun Microsystems once played this system well. It described the technology world as a battle between Microsoft and the forces of humanity, led by Sun. Later, Microsoft put some money into the company. Afterward, co-founder Scott McNealy would describe Sun's mission as "humankind versus IBM Global Services, and we are kind of the leader of mankind in this aspect."

IBM global services, though, are a B-league menace. It's like being afraid of Outback Steakhouse. Sun has yet to rebound to its former glory.

4. Never be afraid to one-up someone.
In a hallway once at an Intel Developer Forum a few years ago, I heard two analysts debate whether Intel would actually move from making 32-bit chips to 64-bit chips to match Advanced Micro Devices. For years, Intel said consumers didn't need 64-bit chips. (Intel did graduate to 64-bit chips in 2005, but almost no consumers take advantage of the 64-bitness.)

"I think they will skip 64 bit and go straight to 128 bit," interjected a third, before scurrying off. The non sequitur left the other two speechless. Touche!

5. Be vague.
Does Dell get it? What is Facebook's big nightmare? Has Comcast lost its FCC mojo? Imagine me, a long-haired leaping gnome, the star of a Hollywood movie?

As an added bonus, you might someday be right.

Biography
Michael Kanellos is editor at large at CNET News.com, where he covers hardware, research and development, start-ups and the tech industry overseas. He has worked as an attorney, travel writer and sidewalk hawker for a time share resort, among other occupations.

More Perspectives

See more CNET content tagged:
IBM Global Services, Sun Microsystems Inc., Oracle Corp., conference, Google Inc.

21 comments

Join the conversation!
Add your comment
Who's the blowhard?
Everybody's gotta come up with "instructions" for the most inane things. Maybe tomorrow you can give us instructions on how to avoid reading inane articles like this one. That would be useful.
Posted by JeffW42 (44 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Tomorrow's lesson
Tomorrow's lesson for you is: How to get a sense of humor. Obviously every moment of your life is too important to take a break and laugh about the over-seriousness and hubrus of the analyst world. Ahh, so that's why you wanted to be an analyst....
Oh, and by the way, most analysts have a pretty decent sense of humor, they need it to put up with those news hacks :-)
Posted by kkrewell (41 comments )
Link Flag
From Rock To Funk To Lightbeings
That's funny, K. How the web became like rock music then drifted into the same dreary self obsessed funk...

But you know virtual worlds are the next step in the evolution of mankind right? I mean, how else can flesh become a being of light and ascend to walking into walls?

:-)
Posted by Len Bullard (454 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Thanks Michael I needed that
A perfect column for the day ... I too am so tired of being swathed in the diatribes of the "Technorati" in a constant/consistent demented dyslexic digital onslaught... Good on you!
Posted by CanadianGeezer (40 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Spill the Wine
Nice reference, but you forgot "overfed."
Posted by Bark8 (1 comment )
Reply Link Flag
You're absolutely right
That really blew my mind. Thanks for writing.
Posted by michael kanellos (65 comments )
Link Flag
Very nice
I was just joking yesterday as we were putting together some podcasts that, if we really wanted listeners, we should do one entitled: "Macs are for losers." :-)
Posted by ghaff (329 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Well.. Macs ARE for losers...
...You're welcome, Michael. :)
Posted by daftkey (136 comments )
Link Flag
Nice.
haha. (Note my username.) I joined cnet just to give you kudos on that. My major is full of blowhards.
Posted by dellisdrowningebay (1 comment )
Reply Link Flag
You also have to always take Apple's side, no matter what.
You also have to always take Apple's side, no matter what.
Posted by lingsun (478 comments )
Reply Link Flag
This guy says usually says really dumb things
This guy says usually says really dumb things. He must have the blowhard thing down.
Posted by lingsun (478 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Err, okay... which guy?
Inquiring Minds, etc etc.

/P
Posted by Penguinisto (5042 comments )
Link Flag
I'll start first. "Linux Sucks: Powers Next Vacuum Cleaners"
He, he, he!
Posted by WJeansonne (480 comments )
Reply Link Flag
meta blowhardery
Agreed on all points. Also, airline food does not taste good. Can't stress that enough. There are a few other stale observations to be made, but space is limited.

I did enjoy that he managed to be a pundit-blowhard. Currently a popular position that is easy to take. In an older, more polite society, blowhards would be ignored and not invited to public debate for fear of general shame.

These comments, in themselves, qualify me to be a second-degree-meta-blowhard.
Posted by Yhildreth (11 comments )
Reply Link Flag
And the winner is...
Here's my nomination. Can you name this person?

1. Long winded posts out on the edge of nowhere.
2. Obsessed with OS2 making a comeback.
3. Has been claimed by many to be a talkbot.

Shall we tally the votes?
Posted by Seaspray0 (9718 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Cnet Headline writer found?
"Does Dell get it? What is Facebook's big nightmare? Has Comcast
lost its FCC mojo?"

or
"Can Facebook feed its ad brains?" "Beer-drinking Linux lovers?"

Editor you say....hmmmmm.
Posted by Sabocat (16 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Funny Stuff
Come on guys this was pretty funny.. Lighten up. The traditional press had humorous articles at one time too. (When they were still healthy.) Please don't tell me geeks don't have a sense of humor.. And have you read some of the blogs out there - this could be the explanation. lol
Posted by KevinK (207 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Is Outback Steakhouse...
...the next IBM Global Services?
Posted by Taylor McLaren (15 comments )
Reply Link Flag
You missed a couple: :)
....it's like you've been reading my mind every time I browse through Yet Another Tech Article. ;)

The funny part is, you missed one great big necessity (albeit one rarely followed by most tech commentators): Be Right more often than Wrong.

There's one other gigantic bit that many tech commentators seem to miss out on - a lot: Know What You're Talking About. I don't know if it's a mis-aimed striving to dumb-down the subject matter for a more non-tech audience, or if it's the fact (like, say, Laura DiDio), they skipped the CompSci classes and majored in something else (in Laura's case, "Communications"), or came into the gig from some other field entirely.

I know, I know, trying to be serious in in a funny column isn't kosher, but to an old gear-head like myself, I find it hilarious to watch someone try to talk about a given tech subject when it's obvious they got their knowledge about it second-hand (or really botched-up the attempt at a layman's explanation of it :) ).

Cheers!

/P
Posted by Penguinisto (5042 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Is he talking about me again?
I hate journalist!
<a class="jive-link-external" href="http://fakesteveballmer*blogspot.com" target="_newWindow">http://****************.blogspot.com</a>
especially the cneters who aren't on the payroll!
Posted by ceoballmer (19 comments )
Reply Link Flag
Will tech blowhards end all logical discussion?
Probably not, but I got you to click my post.
Posted by jc364 (352 comments )
Reply Link Flag
 

Join the conversation

Add your comment

The posting of advertisements, profanity, or personal attacks is prohibited. Click here to review our Terms of Use.

ie8 fix

What's Hot

Discussions

Shared

RSS Feeds

Add headlines from CNET News to your homepage or feedreader.

ie8 fix