This is my first year cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and I had heard so many turkey horror stories that I issued an ultimatum to my dinner guests: we're having chicken. (I know, isn't it awful of me? I must hate America! I hope I don't get my Colbert Nation membership revoked!) Luckily, I was met with a rather agreeable response. As it turns out, there are plenty of people out there who don't think turkey tastes all that good anyway. So it all worked out on my end.
Unfortunately, I realize that there may be other Thanksgiving novices out there whose invitees are less sympathetic to the idea of a radical tradition shift like a no-turkey meal. They might consequently be interested in the $100 Turkey Fryer Kit featured on Uncrate: it claims to be able to deep-fry your Thanksgiving turkey in 45 minutes. That way, you'll have more time for the potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, or the wide selection of Turkey Day football games in HD.
No, I can't guarantee that it'll taste good, or how everyone's arteries will react to a deep-fried turkey. But depending on your situation, those might be small concessions for a 45-minute bird.
Me? I'll be eating chicken.