The last few months have been a nightmare.
He's fighting for his life. He has no idea where he'll end up. Every day, he wonders what tomorrow will bring.
Now, after that eulogy to Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees, let's talk about Edward Snowden of the Moscow Imperatives.
The NSA whistle-blower, recently given a year to enjoy the many aspects of freedom in Russia, is now looking for a job.
So, in an attempt to offer him a reasonable ruble for his trouble, an enterprising site called MeetAtTheAirport.com is offering him $100,000 to tweet and generally be a spokesperson on its behalf.
What could be easier? What could be more rewarding? Especially as the site's Twitter feed is an oasis of very little.
Should you have not heard of this site, it exists in order to get travelers to hook up with strangers from their target sex and disappear into recondite areas of the airport for intense conversation.
I am so sorry, the official version is that it's a "new and exciting place to meet people."
Oddly, the press blurb sent out to accompany this very press-blurby offer merely says that this is an "80K-member Web site devoted to helping people to meet their next professional connection, while waiting for their next flight connection."
On the MeetMeAtTheAirport site, however, the word "romance" features rather prominently. As it should. Random encounters are often uplifting examples of the beauty of human life.
Naturally, the offer comes with a few strictures. Snowden "must not leak any additional classified information about the United States."
But if he's got something on Russia, we'd surely all like to hear it.
More Technically Incorrect
Also he "must be allowed back into the United States." Which will surely happen only once Jeff Bezos is our president.
Lastly, the easiest constraint: Snowden "must send out a minimum of 100 tweets from the airport under company profile."
It is unclear whether this would be 100 tweets per day, per week, or per month. It is also unclear whether he can talk about how tired he is of wearing gray shirts and how his biggest dream is to find a fast-flowing Russian river and fish topless.
There is surely so much he has observed in his time at Moscow's Sheremetyevo International Airport. There must be so many interesting interactions that might fall into the "professional" category.
So I can only hope that Snowden negotiates wisely and secures a completely free hand. (The other hand might still be tied behind his back.)
MeetAtTheAirport.com says it has used "various channels" to relay the offer to Snowden. But it admits that it doesn't expect to hear back soon.
My own suspicion is that Snowden will start his own Twitter account entitled "Snowed Under," in which he will detail all the absurd offers of money he's received over the last few weeks.
Well, most of the offers.