"Only natural pure-bred lambskin condoms."
This is but one of the requirements on Martha Stewart's "new" Match.com profile.
Perhaps you have been too busy wondering if the world will end this week to focus on its most important news: the fact that Martha Stewart has joined Match.com.
Many will be fascinated to see how the rather fetching 71-year-old doyenne of domesticity will fare when her writing skills are tossed to the hordes of dubious males who wander that site in search of, well, who knows.
Time magazine has already rooted out her Match.com profile. A highly professional picture adorns it, as does fascinating information.
She claims to be 5'9". She doesn't seem quite that tall on TV. She also describes herself as "curious, intelligent, entrepreneurial, hard-working, fun, and adventurous."
Which, to my certain knowledge, describes most Polish women.
Her ultimate and alluring profile picture was chosen by her Facebook fans.
Some, though, might find that profile a touch generic. So Conan O'Brien thought he'd offer a few more telling ingredients that would reassure potential suitors and simultaneously weed out those who are too weedy to take the heat in Stewart's kitchen.
He has created a video to accompany the profile.
It's a little more descriptive than her existing efforts.
"I'm looking for a man who can take control when I tell him to," offers a female voice, over pictures of gorgeous flowers.
"Sex will take place every 44 days and last precisely 12 minutes and 30 seconds," she continues. There really is nothing wrong with being forthright in demanding precisely what you need.
And one can imagine Stewart does so in real life.
Naturally, when it comes to the aforementioned condoms, Conan went into some very natural detail about how to make them yourself. You have to always be on-brand when you're an icon.
More Technically Incorrect
This is all very amusing, but if one thinks about the serious side of the matter, it's hard to imagine Stewart finding love on Match.com.
Those of a commercial bent will believe that she is merely receiving promotional considerations for appearing on the site.
Who is going to sift through the tens of thousands of messages she is sure to get? It is well-known that women on these sites are inundated by messages from men.
Only a small proportion of these men could be classified as anything even bordering sane, healthy, honest, or even single.
Moreover, when is she going to find the time to meet any man who passes through the hundreds of sieves through which she'll have to filter replies?
Does she have any idea how many frogs she might have to kiss before meeting anyone she could try food with?
Will the poor suitor be vetted by her third assistant, then the second, then the first? How much will he have to reveal before he ever, ever so much as gets to press the flesh with La Stewart?
I should warn her that, should she fail to achieve satisfaction on the site, there may be an uncomfortable aftertaste.
Friends and readers tell me that, after they have resigned from Match.com because they couldn't find even a potential mate, they were inundated with constant, obsessive e-mails telling them that seemingly every member of their target sex was suddenly checking out their profile and desperate to meet them.
An astounding piece of serendipity, that.
That's what love is all about, isn't it? Serendipity. Something that online dating cannot truly provide.