September 25, 2009 6:23 AM PDT

The worst Microsoft promo videos ever!

by Rich Trenholm

You've created the Facebook event, filled your freezer with prawn elbows and no-frills champagne, and gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure that Sandra in HR didn't find out. It's time for a party! A Windows 7 party!

The Internet has been abuzz with mirth over Microsoft's latest marketing wheeze. Windows 7 is launching on October 22, and Microsoft is inviting you to throw a knees-up to celebrate, with a series of videos handing out tips to make your bash go with a bang.

Microsoft eschews such conventional party-planning tips as seating guests boy/girl/boy/girl, choosing a fun fancy dress theme, and hiding your valuables in the garage. Instead, a Windows 7 party will feature such treats as an overview of the new operating system's exciting features.

In the words of one of Microsoft's shameless Gap-clone shills, "In a lot of ways, you're just throwing a party with Windows 7 as an honored guest." Party on. But it's not the first time that a Microsoft video has drawn hoots of derision from anyone with half a brain: we at Crave UK have collected 16 of our favorite visual howlers from the boys and girls at Redmond.

Hosting a Windows 7 party

This party has everything: the scripted laughter, the palpable sense of 30 years of tension between the bossy alpha blonde and the grandmother, and the moment at 1:20 where you can actually see the guy on the left's soul die.

Entertaining the guests at your Windows 7 party

We identify with Toby, the guy at the back who thought he was out for a few beers and a chance to stare at the pretty girl on the left, but has instead found himself hanging out with perma-grinning rejects from the Stepford branch of Abercrombie and Fitch, who say things like, "Just for kicks, look what happens when I right-click on IE!"

YO MS Raps! MS-DOS 5

This was an internal sales training video. Sub-"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" couplets such as, "Everyone who's 'in' knows / it's the best DOS to run with Windows," "Graphical shell -- do tell!" and "Microsoft said 'Hear this rhyme / We'll test the upgrade -- big time!'" prove one thing: Microsoft thinks its staff are idiots. "Everybody DOS now!"

Entertaining--in Spanish

Dubbing is funny. We especially enjoyed the seedy chuckles. And now you know the Spanish for, "Just for kicks, look what happens when I right-click on IE!" for the next time you find yourself hosting an impromptu late-night minibar party in Magaluf.

Windows 98

In this odd take on "The X-Files" and "Mission: Impossible"--with the budget of "The Chuckle Brothers"--one e-mail takes five minutes to send, but then he has spammed everyone in the entire world. What happens if you do send an e-mail to everyone@global.com? The universe collapses in on itself, probably. You might want to skip straight to 4.35 for the hi-NRG remix.

Lock up your daughters

Our favorite bit is when Alpha Mom singles out unfit mom Susan and her juvenile delinquent Ashley.

Office XP

We expected Clippy to pop up and cheerfully announce, "It looks like you're trying to get your end away!" Anyway, that's enough sexy time--here's an old lady to calm you down.

Microsoft 1994

And if that didn't banish any sexy thoughts, this will definitely do the trick (unless you have a fetish for Uncle Fester).

Steve Ballmer sells Windows 1.0

Another internal video. We'd buy Steve Ballmer's used-car-salesman schtick way more if he didn't seem on the verge of tears.

Steve Ballmer sells Windows XP

Illustrating the Microsoft policy that if something works, do it again but as rubbish, Windows XP was promoted with this altogether more knowing take on the previous ad.

Microsoft Vista SP1

Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band sing the praises of a Vista service pack for business clients. "When they see the improvements in security / the desktop and mobility / and productivity..." they'll be sold. "And if they're not sold yet / Diagnostic and recovery toolset!"

Windows 95

More proof that Microsoft thinks its target audience is idiots. Although we did enjoy the scattershot approach to stereotypes.

Da SBS Code

Completely the wrong side of knowing, this spoof of "The Da Vinci Code" makes us want to beat ourselves to death with a copy of "Angels and Demons."

Songsmith

This was another viral classic not so long ago. Our favorite is the passive/aggressive Dad: "When did you learn music?" Rated S for songtastic, mainly for the look of horror on the ladyboss' face at 3:21.

Windows 386

This would be gloriously bonkers if it didn't take longer than copying a file in Windows 98. An interminable "Mission: Impossible" pastiche takes a turn for the hatstand as the lead character's clear mental health problems manifest themselves in a wacky rap and suddenly dressing like Hazel O'Connor's wig wrangler.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here

We don't know about you, but our parties don't wind down until we crawl into Wetherspoons for an $8 Sunday roast, only to discover it's Tuesday. Next time we're attempting to mop complete strangers off our sofa, we'll remember this sure-fire way of clearing the party: "You don't have to leave right now, but before you do I want to show you the Windows help and how-to page." Is that the time? We'd best be off, big day tomorrow, last train to catch... run!

(Source: Crave UK)