Viacom, having rudely ignored the user information I provided for them just a week ago, is now demanding to know whether any YouTube employee watched, or even, deep disgrace, uploaded any Viacom material onto the site.
If they did, then, under the Digital Millenium Copyright Act, they lose their claimed status as an ISP and merely become an IPS.
That's an Infernal Profit Squirreler.
Although I have no donkey in this derby, I am moved, by Viacom's refusal to accept my data, to offer Google some requests they might want to put to their TV 1.0 adversaries:
1. Look, er, we'd like to see any emails you guys wrote to each other when you saw your copyrighted material appearing on YouTube. See, we were just wondering whether, you know, you guys' ratings went up every time, say, one of the good Colbert jokes appeared on our highly innovative and saintly Internet Service Provider.
2. Something else that we were wondering over here during our Community Coffee Break was whether, you know, your producers, or their assistants, or someone else who wanted to suck up to them in some way, uploaded your stuff onto our highly innovative and saintly Internet Service Provider. See, if they did, we were kinda thinking that maybe you were kinda condoning this questionable behavior. Or at the very least forcing some unnecessary Nickelodeon onto us.
3. Hey, you know, we were just debating this in our Accounting Department Child Care Profit Center Seminar this afternoon, but, well, did you guys monitor all the clips that appeared on our innovative and saintly Internet Service Provider and then take them back to your writers with words like: "Hey, dumbasses. These are the kind of jokes viewers actually find funny. This one about pants got 2.4 million views on YouTube. Give us fifty more pants jokes."?
4. And, er, Bob, one of the interviewees for our new Concierge position, wondered if you have any notes from, say, Comedy Central script meetings in which somebody said: "We need a YouTube moment in this show. Remember we're only on cable. YouTube is an international network. Have you SEEN their ratings?" Well, or some words to that effect.
5. Finally, we were just wondering whether you guys ever drew one of those fascinating Powerpoint graphs that showed a direct correlation between your clips appearing on our innovative and saintly Internet Service Provider and, well, an increase in ad sales around the corresponding shows. See, we're engineers. We don't really understand all this TV stuff. But, you know, we love correlations because they appeal to our scientific side. Well, to be honest, it's the only side we have.
I'm not trying to suggest any of this might alter the direction of the case. But it might be interesting to know, don't you think?
It might give Jon Stewart some material for next week.