"It's the Yahoo of things that work."
This is the benign description that Stephen Colbert offers on the subject of Google.
However, like the defender of all things natural and patriotic, Colbert can stay silent no longer about Google's obvious militaristic ambitions.
The company recently bought Boston Dynamics, a maker of animalistic military robots.
Google's purpose with this purchase? "Clearly to enslave humanity," Colbert announced Monday.
And, well, "it's the only way they can get us to sign up for Google+."
More Technically Incorrect
Colbert knows that he must find equal ingenuity to fight back against this manifest threat.
He knows that he can't just get on Usain Bolt's back and run away from these technical monsters.
So he's creating something new, something that will stand with the humans against this otherworldly threat. Yes, he's creating an Ewok breeding program.
How else can we hope to have something that might help us preserve our way of life?
How else can we imagine that we can be free from attacks and invasions by machines that only care about algorithms and world domination?
We know that Ewoks have an excellent record in fighting against evil technological empires. They might look primitive, but they're deceptive in their genius.
Let us stand with them. Let us grin and Colbert it. I fear this may well be our only hope.