Microsoft won't stop until Google's knees buckle and its egos bow.
The Redmond, Wash., company doesn't care if you don't like its attacks on its alleged rival, but it would prefer it if you'd at least wear a T-shirt that pretends you do.
There's no Google target that doesn't deserve spittle. The latest is the Chromebook.
The Chromebook is such a heap of insidious, useless technology that not even a pawnbroker will take it off your hands.
At least, this is the message of the new Scroogled ad from Redmond.
Here we have a young, aspiring actress who wants to pawn her Chromebook so she can get to Hollywood. This is an everyday story of American life.
She wanders into the pawnshop, acts all comely and trusts that she will get enough money for, at least, a Greyhound bus.
"What makes you think it's worth that much?" says the pawnbroker, whose face I've seen somewhere before. Yes, it's the nice, bald man from "Pawn Stars." I thought I recognized this place. It's in Vegas.
Our actress is convinced she's offering value. "Well, it's a laptop," she says. All laptops are worth lots of money, aren't they?
Oh, no they're not.
"Because Chromebook applications are Web-based; when you're not connected, it's pretty much a brick," explains the tech-savvy pawnbroker through the prism of his Windows.
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"It's not a real laptop," he continues. "It doesn't have Windows or Office."
Worse: "When you are online, Google tracks what you do, so they can sell ads."
You mean you didn't know that Google is a totalitarian regime that renders freedom meaningless?
"I'm not going to Hollywood, am I?" mutters the depressed ingenue.
No, not with acting like this. For this is merely the latest Scroogled ad that looks like it was shot by a porn director on a budget and a bottle of own-label tequila.
In an attempt at humor, the pawnbroker's sidekick offers that the Chromebook might get her to Reno.
In the end, though, Microsoft would like you to know that the Chromebook will get you nowhere. It isn't "a real laptop."
This seems to be something that consumers have decided for themselves, as it hasn't exactly become ubiquitous. Why, then, would Microsoft want to target it?
Might it be because it's the one product that is selling even more poorly than the Surface?