I have recently drilled a hole in my living room floor.
It has only one purpose. Every time I see AT&T's ad for its Next upgrade plan, I disappear straight into this hole.
It doesn't always go down well with guests. Especially if I'm holding a glass of pinot at the time. But it has to be done.
The ad's been out for a few weeks now. Surely you've seen it. It's the one where people just can't tear themselves away from their iPhone 5Cs.
They miss buses, meetings, and their pets' funerals because they simply have to play with their iPhones just a little longer. (Actually, that last scene might be one I made up.)
Though I happen to think this ad is terminally painful, heinously sickening, and an exercise in psychotic baiting, I have to doff what's left of my forelock to those who made it.
It's been a long time coming. Apple softened us up with an ad that showed us how we photograph everything we see with our iPhones.
The conclusion to be drawn was surely that we are insane, insensitive, and we quite like it.
More Technically Incorrect
This AT&T ad, however, takes our gadget bias to new heights of truth. It shows that we really, really don't want to do anything but stare into, stroke, and be at one with our phones.
We don't care about anyone else, unless they're projected on our iPhone screens. You don't, in fact, exist, unless we see you on the Facebook app on our iPhone screens. And we'll tell you we've had enough of you by texting you from our iPhone screens.
The searing, devil-may-care chest-baring of this ad leaves us denuded of argument.
Finally, someone understands. Finally, someone gets just how much we need our iPhones in order to be our true selves.
You might think I have mislaid some inner juices, or merely lived in the Bay Area for too long.
But I present to you the reporting of my colleague Roger Cheng, who revealed on Tuesday that the Next plan, designed to keep you upgraded to the most recent gadget advancement, is exceeding expectations.
The sheer brazen honesty of this ad is working. The psychology of confronting you with your own truth, not the manufacturer's, is blazing a trail for future marketing.
You don't have to like something to understand how great it is. Think Kobe Bryant. Think Genghis Khan. Think hipsters.
Yes, this is the ultimate hipster ad.