Boys, you've been lying to me, haven't you?
Not just to me, but to your friends too.
You lurch onto Tinder with your egos and tongues hanging out, claiming you're looking to, as the vernacular has it, hook up.
It's not true, is it? You're sitting at home watching reruns of "Pretty Woman," aren't you? You're sobbing into your hankies because, deep in your hearts, you really just wanted to be loved.
Please don't snort in that annoyingly arrogant way you have. For I have, in my corner, relationship expert Marni Kinrys. She sees beyond your bullish demeanor. And she thinks you're full of it -- full of desperate longing, that is.
She told me: "Nearly 75 percent of my male clients seek my help with the goal of a quality relationship rather than a hookup, which is surprising."
Surprising? It's more shocking than if a Republican and a Democratic congressperson began dating. Men even know what a "quality relationship" is?
Kinrys, who patented something called the "Wing Girl Method," insists that times have truly changed. She told me: "When I started this as a career, men were more concerned with getting laid. Now it seems that there is a shift toward commitment."
Could this be because men are making less money and women more? Not in tech, obviously, but in the wider world?
Kinrys thinks not. She believes that women are leaning into this hooking-up thing.
She insists: "Women finally own their sexual power, and they are driving the current 'hookup culture' that brings satisfaction without guilt, but at the expense of intimacy."
The New York Times recently intimated that this might be the case, but I just assumed this was the Times on one of its lifestyle binges.
Kinrys, though, is sure it's true: "More women than ever before value education and career and won't risk their future at the expense of a long-term, monogamous relationship that could potentially hold them back."
More Technically Incorrect
There do seem to be considerable changes occurring in relationships.
A friend of mine told me that he sent his girlfriend a large bouquet of flowers to her office. She was appalled.
She told him that the flowers brought her unwelcome attention from her co-workers and managers. This, apparently, could affect her career. The flowers allegedly suggested that she wasn't an independent woman.
Naturally, she dumped him shortly afterward in favor of a Starbucks barista.
But, boys, please do come clean. It's well-known that women consistently complain that when they're online dating, they receive hundreds of messages propositioning them from the very beginning. Some can be forthright to the point of crudity.
But you boys are just covering up, aren't you? You're playing a traditional naughty role when all you need is love.
At least, this seems to be true for the single ones among you.
If Kinrys' analysis is correct, there is only one conclusion to reach: Most of those men who go online looking for a hookup are what is technically known as "in a relationship already."
Or, perhaps, even married.