It's the sort that sits in front of the TV, lapping salt-n-vinegar chips into its large, saliva-filled mouth.
Crumbs stick to its beard. It constantly fiddles with its underpants.
It's an overweight know-it-all who's a lazy good-for-nothing and very probably ne'er-do-well that thinks it's actually cool.
What am I talking about? Your iPhone, that's what.
In three new ads released by Google's Motorola, we meet your smartphone.
It doesn't say it's an iPhone. But when it demands to be touched before playing music, who doesn't see the iPhone's characteristic slide-to-unlock motion?
And who doesn't notice that these ads are being released online a day before Apple's next great reveal? (TV comes on Thursday.)
The first ad has so many subtle overtones that it's an utter joy. It's sexual. It's sensual. It's wonderfully insulting.
More Technically Incorrect
You don't get to see the Moto X until the very end. But when you do, it looks and feels good. Better than the singing (or the massage) that went before it.
Of course, it doesn't just get at the iPhone. There's a subtle mention of not having to wave at the phone -- a Samsung Galaxy boast -- in the voiceover.
In the next ad, the lazy slob phone reveals a businessman's secrets -- including his mysterious rash -- in the middle of a board meeting.
Again, there's that slide-to-unlock motion. And again there's that sexual tension as the iSlobPhone kisses its owner.
Moto X doesn't cause a scene, you see. It just gives you what you need. Because it knows what you need. Because it follows you around all the time.
The final ad shows the iSlobPhone at a school play. He can't get it together to take a picture quickly. He thinks the play should start again. He thinks everything should revolve around him.
We've all had relationships like that.
These three represent some very fine entertainment. The picky will wonder whether the problems they pose about the iPhone and Galaxy are ones that users truly feel strongly about.
They'll also wonder whether the slob needed to be overweight, as the one thing you can say about the iPhone is that it's a slim little thing.
Slobs can still be slim.
Still, this is comedy. And this is comedian TJ Miller. I fancy there will be many -- as I do -- who find these things more than slightly amusing.
Whether they'll make people cuddle up to the Moto X is another thing altogether.