My engineer friend George is not having a good week.
His dating life is taking on the same flavor as Google's Franz Kafka doodle.
The more women that offer him their huffy, puffy Jennifer Lopez, the more he turns into a cockroach and delves into the Web's darker crevices for succor.
He has happened upon the flaming box known as Tinder. Should you be unfamiliar with this app, it allows you to scroll through faces of your target gender that happen to be in your vicinity.
Should any face you like happen to like your face, a match is made. It might not be heavenly, but it might at least help your evening pass in an earthy manner.
Some might still need a self-help book, once a face-match is made -- perhaps something along the lines of "What Do You Say After You Say 'Yowza!'" You still need dialogue -- the thing colloquially called a "pick-up line."
Well, a site called TinderLines has appeared to guide your path. This site claims to have collected some of the best (in many senses) Tinder conversations and displayed them for all to see.
Naturally, just as with AutoCorrect sites, there is no guarantee that these are real. But even if they're not, they feel so very real.
For example: "Hullo, my name is Turner. I consider myself a cat person, have three kids with two different women, and am recently divorced and I'm just getting back into the dating game."
Not exactly Match.com, is it?
How about this:
Guy to girl: "Ay what are you doin lil mama."
Girl responds (incredibly): "Jus chillen, you?"
Guy: "You ever seent (sic) interracial porn?
Guy: "How did this not get a response?"
Somehow, the interactions that, remember, are already based on mutual attraction offer a difficult view of the pains of dating.
"Hey you seem fun to talk to we should meet up to get a pizza and f***."
Stunningly, this receives no reply. So he tries again: "I guess you're not a fan of pizza."
Trying to understand someone else is, though, such treacherous terrain.
"Timberlake or Bieber?"
Her target replies: "Timberlake."
She answers back: "Your life is s**tty, isn't it?"
TinderLines makes for such painful, contemporary reading that it almost makes one's own sallow state of love feel not quite so bad.
More Technically Incorrect
For George, however, Tinder presents further problems. It's only an iOS app. And George still clings to his Lumia 920. So he has to use friends' phones to seek what he'd love to find.
Still, I leave you with one more TinderLines example of the ways in which instant attraction might not necessarily lead to lasting lurve.
Here is one man's idea of making himself irresistible: "Is your middle name Gillette because you are the best a man can get."
This does not appear to have been graced with a reply.