You know I care about you, don't you?
Sometimes it might not seem it because I make jokes about your favorite brand, religion, or Justin Bieber. But I want you to be happy. I don't like the thought of you sitting all alone in front of your computer, wishing that somebody would just put their arms around you and tell you they love you.
So I need you to know that tonight's the night when your life is most likely to change -- at least if you're single, or merely in a miserable relationship that's heading for hell's flaming gates.
Tonight at 8:52 p.m. is your best chance to get an online date -- yes, all year.
I am on my knees and kissing the hand of the Daily Mail for gifting me this vital piece of information.
Apparently, this is the result of vast levels of research, the psychology of which is surely sound.
Those longing for true love have returned from their holiday festivities. Yes, they might be slightly overweight. But, at heart, they're a little more desperate than usual and they've made New Year's resolutions which have the same expiration date as a carton of milk.
More Technically Incorrect
So, having nibbled on a few leaves of aging lettuce, two Wasa Crisp'n Light crackers, and the remains of a Whole Foods roasted chicken, they will clutch their laptops tonight at 8:52 p.m. and try to find that special someone.
There has already been something of a buildup. Match.com is claiming that activity on its site has already risen 11 percent over the past seven days.
I should offer you a word of caution. I am told by those at the heart of the online dating business that up to 30 percent of the people presenting themselves may still be, well, married -- some "happily."
Other tips I would like to pass on from those in the know: Be careful about the ones who declare themselves "currently separated," slide straight past those who don't post a picture at all, and be very wary of those who need 3,000 words to describe themselves and don't use paragraphs.
I wish you all the most extreme good fortune. Please feel free to write in with your good luck stories and engagement photos that were all rooted in your 8:52 p.m. initiative.