Those watching "Start-Ups: Silicon Valley" will have learned many things over its first three weeks.
They'll have learned that you can't get money from VCs just by knowing their phone numbers and fluttering your acronyms. They'll have learned that doing a start-up is so hard that you need to party a lot. And they'll have learned that date-cheating just isn't on if you're a lifecaster.
Last night's Episode 4 began with Sarah (fake blonde lifecaster) kissing her dog. This was presumably to make up for the fact that last week she didn't get to kiss Jay, the boy who had date-cheated on her.
Hermione (British blonde) isn't sleeping. So she works out with a trainer in the garden. She has no dog to kiss. Her brother Ben (pretty, short) has 43 companies to advise. How do these people do it? Theirs must be a very fine trainer.
Kim (brunette, ambitious, dull) has "unteachable skills." Acting isn't one of them. She isn't married. To any idea, that is. But she has an idea about event-based style recommendations.
Kim is going to quit her job. Which is a shock, as this show is called "Start-Ups: Silicon Valley."
The white Oprah
Meanwhile, deep words are heard: "If Oprah was white and she was in tech, she would be me."
This was the depth charge exploded by Sarah the lifecaster. Which might lead some to consider that if Jennifer Aniston had a straggly beard and a yearning for Angelina Jolie, she would be Brad Pitt.
Or that if Steve Ballmer liked wearing purple and long black cassocks, he would be the Pope.
Kim, who comes across as an anxious person, says she's not an anxious person. She meets with her boss at Ampush Media. She tells him she's going to Ampush off.
But first she explains that she's been considering "what's the Kimbo 5-year plan?"
Embrace fame arms akimbo, perhaps?
Yes, she talks about herself. Then a little more about herself. She explains that she's been thinking about leaving for the previous six weeks. Might this have coincided with, say, the shooting schedule of the show?
Her boss, the turbaned Jesse, isn't totally happy. Kimbo tells him she doesn't intend to create an Ampush competitor.
"We'd beat you if you did," is Jesse's putdown.
Kimbo is hurt, so Jesse makes a half-hearted attempt to keep her.
Meanwhile Ben and Hermione get another VC rejection for their inspirational app Ignite. Yes, the one where you can work out when you're going to die -- well, more or less.
Kimbo starts drinking and phones her mom to tell her the news about the Kimbo 5-year plan.The pressure is vast. What to do? Drink, that's what. She goes to a club called Harlot.
Kimbo is wearing a dress as transparent as her motivations. She calls Dwight (blond, hairy). He arrives with red shades on his head. She and Dwight are just friends. Unless, one supposes, the producers would prefer them to add, well, benefits.
We're 75 percent through the show and we haven't seen David (gay, broke). He decides to network. David has an app about linking people who have similar personal goals. You know, like becoming famous on a reality show, for example.
More Technically Incorrect
Ben and Hermione appear. Hermione looks like she's had a few daiquiris. She hears Ben offering to lend David money. She explodes.
Ben explodes back. He accuses her of just "looking pretty." Perish the idea.
Hermione loses it. She tosses her empty cocktail glass on the floor. "That's how I feel right now," she explains. Because an explanation seems necessary.
David, rapidly giving the impression of being the lone sane entity in the cast, suggests the perfect solution: another drink.
They go outside. Hermione feels left out. She doesn't get to speak in pitches. The failed pitches, that is. She says she's not technical enough. She weeps.
I want to weep with her. I want to embrace her pain, squeeze it out of her, tell her it's all going to be alright. Ambition is wonderful, Hermione. It's moving that you want success so badly.
You are the future. You are your future. You are our future. You represent the best that re-Valley-ty TV has to offer.
"I'm pushing myself so hard," she sobs.
So am I in watching your show, Hermione. I find a drink helps, though.