Please, toss away your i-feminate iPhones. Dump those dumpy Androids in the garbage. The numbers are in, and they are entirely conclusive: Windows Phones quite simply crush the competition.
Please don't argue. I have the figures in front of me, and they cannot tell a lie. Phones running Microsoft's mobile operating system defeated the competition in 98 percent of all "Smoked By Windows Phone" challenges.
Who says so? Why, Microsoft.
Its very fine Windows Phone evangelist, Ben Rudolph, revealed these startling numbers on the Windows Phone blog.
Thus far, 51,313 owners of non-Windows phones have come to Microsoft stores to take on the champion in various speed tests, and a mere 638 have emerged victorious.
It's true that there have been the odd sore losers who claimed they were, well, winners.
But really, in the face of these overwhelming numbers, how can anyone take the idea that there still exists competition in the smartphone market seriously -- even if the challenge rules might marginally favor the Windows Phone on some small, isolated occasions?
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You will be delighted to hear that, bathing in the throes of such success, Microsoft is not letting up until it defeats that last, pesky 2 percent. It is releasing YouTube videos that chronicle its phones' supremacy.
Oh, perhaps I misheard about that last one.
The campaign is now in 36 countries, which must mean that it is working even better than anyone could have anticipated.
I know that some of us are still silly enough to wander into Verizon stores, wishing to be sold an iPhone.
But really, it's all over, barring the pouting. When the smoke clears, it's obvious that Microsoft has won.