Craigslist ad seeks suicidal astronaut

Just because there's a recession, it doesn't mean you can't find your dream job. So allow me to direct your boundless ambition toward an ad on Craigslist's Calgary site.

While many people scour Craigslist to see if Starbucks or Bed, Bath and Beyond might be seeking additions to their cheery teams, the poster of this ad is searching for an altogether more adventurous type, proudly announcing "Astronaut Needed (Northern Alberta)." Is that the cough of a million scoffs I hear? Perhaps. But this is truly an interesting opportunity, to say the least. Just look at the first, enticing sentence of the ad: "Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan."

Perhaps you might be concerned that this ad was not, in fact, placed by NASA. Please, let me put your mind into horizontal mode. The advertiser assures all applicants that he has been "working on this project for near 40 years." Indeed, the only reason he is seeking an Armstrong for his flight is that he himself seems to have weaker limbs now that the years have passed.

You might also be wondering what kind of craft will shuttle you into orbit. Well, again, I can be your Xanax. The advertiser declares that his secret craft is "the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist." You see, this man is a veritable expert in his field. This spaceship enjoys "a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material."

Looks like a fun place to me.

(Credit: CC Flying Singer/Flickr)

Surely, you can have no more concerns. Surely, you are ready to reply to this advertisement, beaming at the idea that you will soon be beamed into the great beyond. Well, in the interests of full disclosure, let me draw your attention to some of the finer details. In the advertiser's own persuasive and humane words: "I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history."

Yes, that's right. You won't be coming back. At all. Ever. So perhaps you might want to check what the nightlife is like on Titan. Because that might be the only way you could really create romantic history.

Should I have failed to deter you from applying for your life's (and death's) dream, do note that the job specs declare that you should be no taller than 5 feet 10 inches and "relatively slim." One imagines that any appearances in a Ralph Lauren advertisement might enhance your chances of being chosen.

Oh, and the advertiser also requires that you should be "mentally sound."

[bradward747]

Whats not on craigslist...

[jezzur]

Well, for all of you nay-sayers, I am happy here on Titan, and my 3G phone has an impressive range after all... a few holes in coverage, but fine for SMS and instant messaging. I need some help making some ebay purchases for my stay. I'm cold and have no toothbrush. Thanks earthlings.

[jezzur]

Um, it is getting urgent really fast. Oh, and it isn't really suicide but a kind of slow-death euthanasia that civilised folk favour these days - I didn't even get to press to blast-off button.

[magnitek]

I'll go, but I'll have to check with "the" verizon network to ensure they'll be right behind me...

[t186681]

Can you hear me now?

[atomD21]

That's crazy...

[Ohitzmarcus]

I just read the ad.
I had to laugh out-loud when I read that the participant would be compensated $25,000 for their LIFE. Hahaha.
Yet I wonder if anyone will take this seriously!

[bonesbautista]

Didn't read the ad but liked this comment. But, think about it - the pay wouldn't need to be that great anyway. Where would he/she spend the money? $25k buys one heck of a one-night party!

[alcaponed16]

Is the ad still up? I would like to see it..

[Seaspray0]

"would be compensated $25,000 for their LIFE." I'd want that up front.

[kickingant]

I assume that is Canadian dollars. What is the exchange rate now?

[theantibush]

"...I had to laugh out-loud when I read that the participant would be compensated $25,000 for their LIFE. Hahaha.
Yet I wonder if anyone will take this seriously!.."

Hello, friend.
My name is Phillip Niles Argyle, son of a wealthy merchant and financial director of the department of astronautics of Calgary, Canada. I am reaching out in great despair as the sinking of my father's ship has left the sum of US $25 million needed for an exploration of Titan frozen in US banks and our astronaut, Terrance Henry Stoot, dead from fish inhalation . If you could find it in your heart to aid our endeavor to Saturn, please provide me with your American bank account information so that this money may be transferred to it and then to us in Canada. In return, I will compensate you US $25 thousand dollars and provide you a free one-way trip to the great beyond.

[theantibush]

"...I had to laugh out-loud when I read that the participant would be compensated $25,000 for their LIFE. Hahaha.
Yet I wonder if anyone will take this seriously!.."

Hello, friend.
My name is Phillip Niles Argyle, son of a wealthy merchant and financial director of the department of astronautics of Calgary, Canada. I am reaching out in great despair as the sinking of my father's ship has left the sum of US $25 million needed for an exploration of Titan frozen in US banks and our astronaut, Terrance Henry Stoot, dead from fish inhalation . If you could find it in your heart to aid our endeavor to Saturn, please provide me with your American bank account information so that this money may be transferred to it and then to us in Canada. In return, I will compensate you US $25 thousand dollars and provide you a free one-way trip to the great beyond.

[buffalo43]

OK, granted, it is a strange request. But we as a species have SOOOO much to learn. What if this person HAS built some amazing space ship. Who knows!?? We can not always wait around for our government or the "conventional" way. Most of all our inventors and geniuses of the past were thought crazy by the people of their time. Remember that people thought the earth was flat!! And when I was a kid only 30 some years ago, there was no cable, or video games, wii, cell phones, mp3 players, ipods, dvds, cds, home computers, microwaves, hybred cars, 911, email, ETC... To reach beyond, one must challenge conventional wisdom! I hope some brave, qualifiying soul will come forth! And open new worlds and horizons to us!!

[theantibush]

"when I was a kid only 30 some years ago, there was no cable, or video games, wii, cell phones, mp3 players, ipods, dvds, cds, home computers, microwaves, hybred cars, 911, email, ETC.."

2009 - 30 = 1979

Cable: yes (HBO)
Video games: yes (RF adapter / 2D home video, pak man, asteroids, etc)
Microwaves: yes (more than 10 years prior)
Home Computers: yes (IMSAI, Morrow Designs, SD Systems, etc)
Hybred (sic) cars: electric propulsion sourced from a gas generator. Trains since the 50s do that, and electric cars predate even that.

"To reach beyond, one must challenge conventional wisdom!"

It would help to first have some wisdom to challenge with.

[billmosby]

It would be an even more amazing ship if it could come back. Here's an idea- send it to Phobos or Deimos. Perhaps the shallower gravity wells would allow it to get home.

[Dan7637]

this person is just another craigslist killer

[ash5353]

Just to prove a point........ There is always a job opportunity if one looks long and hard enough. Only question is ..... when exactly do you receive the 25K.

[UsingUrBrainSinceUArent]

Clearly, in advance. You know, so that you can take it with you.

[txkajun]

I promise this is legit!......... We have our agent already in place to pay you the $25k plus bonus as soon as you land on Titan. All expenses will be paid during your wonderful trip!

[nixonlvr]

I was pretty stoked about this, but I'm above the allowed height, being 6'5" I don't think I'll fit.
I really wanted to go to Titan...

[Demotis]

Dude your not coming back and your probably not getting out of the spacecraft. Just a little off the bottom and your off!
In other words loose the legs man.

[apple-pi]

Gatica 2? :)

[jwilson00m1]

Isn't there a book with a similar theme. "Siren's If Titan" Kurt Vonnegut I believe, had the idea that Titan was inhabitable and placed his unlikely protagonist there. It was also a one way trip. Of course that book also had pills that emitted oxygen through the intestines and great armies training on the plains of Mars. Rent - a - tent, rent- a - tent.

[spikerogan]

Calling Dr. Strangelove?

[Joshua Kwoon]

Well the ad was taken down, but as if anyone would have accepted it before it was removed.
Seriously? What happens when we're an orphaned single? Where does the money go?
They'd better give it before you go 3 or 10 weeks in advance. You'll be able to enjoy your life then. Or just run away to a hidden paradise and live there forever.

[dverlaque]

it wasn't taken down... it's still there

[dannosliwcd]

So umm... What would be the point in sending a manned craft on a mission with no chance of return? Wouldn't the 25k be better spent finishing his 40-year project and adding some kinda automated way to phone home?

Or maybe this scientist is trying to win a bet, and if he can get a manned craft to Titan, he wins $26k. He doesn't really care about all the man-hours and production costs put into the ship, because it was all for the love of science. However, $1000 in-pocket seems like a nice incentive to spend another human's life.

[loose_screw]

Ad has been flagged for removal, ugh! Is there a cached version out there?

[pentest]

It took Cassini about 7 years(with 2 Venus flybys to gain more speed) to reach Saturn. Does he really have enough oxygen, food, video games, and porn to keep the lucky astronaut alive that long?

[solitare_pax]

I bet the download times for the internet would be a real drag as well.

[jbradley286]

I'd go

[kingdx30]

._. i woullllld do it but i dont live near there ;w;

[shmody]

In the 80's and 90's (I think) several death-row inmates have expressed interest in a one-way space trip to Mars or "wherever". Seriously. Just sayin', it's one of a few solutions.

Personally, I think it's not necessary with the instrumentation and long distance communication technology we have today.

--Shalin

[playadel2001]

"the job specs declare that you should be no taller than 5 feet 10 inches and 'relatively slim.'"

Hmmm, sounds like the original poster was just interested in a one way ticket to Uranus.

[scrubbingbubbles]

HAHAHA +1

[Dalkorian]

LOL!

[Tothcjt]

LMAO!!! Best comment on here.

[sashank_1234]

why does he want to build a spacecraft that doesnt come back? :)

[Uranus4CASH]

One way ticket to Uranus huh? I might have to think about it....after all, it's not gay if your gettin paid.

[Dalkorian]

Just be careful where you take this job, a one-way ticket to Uranus might be considered prostitution in some places and prostitution is illegal in many of them!

[SteveW928]

LOL

Brilliant article Chris!
I LOVE the ending line. :o)