Long space flights will make you short, fat, and bald

Technological progress always comes with a hefty price. (Unless it's a PC, I suppose)

So I must admit to feeling a little heartskip at hearing that the search to commune with aliens in the outer beyond will leave humans looking like, well, porky aliens.

According to a report in the Telegraph, scientists believe that long flights into space will not have beautifying effects on the star-crossed trekkers of the future.

In fact, they will make them short, fat, and bald.

I wish I could find more comforting words to describe their fate. Just as I wish that more people would realize that "bald" does not equate to "ugly."

A long time spent up in near zero gravity will mean that humans will not have to make an effort to get off the couch. They won't have to do anything to stay warm either. And no exercise means, well, blubber.

Will these be trekking humans waiting for plastic surgery?

(Credit: CC Jurvetson/Flickr)

The otherworldly atmosphere will also mean that humans won't exactly grow, as muscles and bones will not develop in the way they do here in the gyms of the earth.

Astrobiologist Dr. Lewis Dartnell from University College, London, also said that fluid will pool in humans' skulls and there will be no need for protecting yourself from the cold. Which means your face will bloat and your hair will fall out. Oh, and don't forget that you'll be fat, too.

"With little effort required to move around in microgravity and an environment that is never too hot or cold, future spacemen and women are likely to become pretty chubby," he said.

But here is what Dr. Dartnell did not conceive.

On every future long-haul space flight there will be plastic surgeons ready to nip, tuck, and weave you back to beauty in a perfectly painless, weightless environment. Jowls too puffy? Let's pop that air out. Hair dropping out? Let's graft a little from your other regions.

Yes, it will be not unlike the masseuses on the original Virgin Atlantic Airways.

We must never think negatively about technological progress. Science will always find a way to keep us just as beautiful as we are today. I mean, what else do we need science for?

[Agrainofsalt]

Ah, so I really was abducted by aliens.

[ChrisMatyszczyk]

@Agrainofsalt,

You too? There are more of us than we thought. Really.

Chris

[mediocrates--2008]

They abducted me too... but it was on "Catch & Release" day, so I'm OK.

[kingsnoofer]

So this guy watched Wall-E and wrote an article about the fat humans on the ship lol

[assman]

Yeah first thing I thought of was Wall-E.

Also, here's a ridiculous concept: how about we exercise in space just like we do on earth to combat fat? durrr. Just because you're in space doesn't mean you can't exercise. Objects still have mass in zero-gravity, so you could still weight-lift, you would just need to tie yourself down and it would develop both your biceps and triceps equally.

Also, if we're talking about space travel, might as well figure that we'll develop a form of "artificial gravity" at some point.

[Mmmhmm]

I suspect the point is that on Earth (under gravity), every little action like standing up, walking around etc. etc. has a massive cumulative effect that we take for granted in terms of spent effort and muscle use. A person of average build with average diet who doesn't normally have to go to the gym to 'combat fat' as you put it would suddenly find themselves expanding in uncomplimentary ways just because all those little unnoticed efforts have been rendered negligible even when added together. It means a whole lot of people who would never otherwise have to go out of their way to get exercise would have to really try... and not only your 'biceps'. You generally use most of your muscles just in regular movement; I'm sure a whole lot of muscles people aren't even conscious of would atrophy a bit if there was prolonged disuse. It's one thing to say let's lift some weights, it's another to say lets find space exercises for every muscle in your back so your spine stays in place, and so that your legs/ankles/etc. can still support you should you ever come back to gravity again (think of coma patients who wake a long time later to muscle atrophy and have to go through rigorous therapy just to stand/walk). I think I'll hold out on 'really long' space journeys until they have that whole artificial gravity down :)

[man_w_balls]

A good exercise system for all-around fitness would be a swimming pool. Figure out a way to have a nice sized pool (or water cube?) on the ship, and a way for people to climb into it without displacing too much water out the hole they came in through, and some scuba tanks or something, and they could swim around for a couple hours per day to exercise many of the overall body muscles. Underwater swimming and maneuvering makes you work a lot of little muscles all over your body.
... And just think how cool it would be to be in water in zero gravity! Whoa....

[assman]

Interesting concept ballsman, if they could contain the water in a tank so that it is only used with scuba gear.

And in zero-gravity, you could go as deep as you want without worrying about water pressure! I'm really curious how different the experience would be than earth. Water already has a gravity-defying effect on humans on earth because we're somewhat buoyant. It might be that the only real difference is that we wouldn't sink in space.

Also mmhmm.. you make good points about the minuscule movements we make that prevent muscle atrophy. I guess we would need to go through the same process that astronauts go through in space.. a lot of full-body exercise. We could also possibly attach magnets to our boots and gloves and jackets with a large polarized magnet under the floor to simulate gravity's effect on our body. Not perfect.. but it would help.

[ikramerica--2008]

The space exercise experiments haven't shown to do very much to protect muscle and bone density. It's the constant effects of gravity that give us those things.

Of course, artificial gravity is the answer, which is why most science fiction incorporates that into the "rules" in some way.

[-fjtorres-]

Gotta love these prognosticators!
Yes, because the future is going to be exactly like the present which is exactly like the past.
Because we're not looking at a dozen constant-acceleration propulsion systems.
Because we're just plain stupid; fat, dumb, and lazy...
<sheeesh>
Linear thinkers!
Small minded idiots are the bane of what passes for civilization these days.
There's a dozen ways to deal with this issue that don't involve the hollywood scenario; for starters, how about drugs, nutritional monitoring, spinning sleep modules, exercise combined with the above, or...
...how about an ion drive constant acceleration system? We're already using several different designs on probes and NASA is looking at several for larger payloads.
No shock that the idea is coming out of alarmist europe...

[Peet42]

"Make"...?

[whattaguy62]

Two words: diet Tang.

[Mike Maffett]

Space flight beyond the solar system is currently impossible. Besides the restraints of speed and zero gravity, there is the bigger problem of radiation exposure. We presently have no way other than heavy shielding to protect space travelers from the accumulated effects of radiation. The shielding would be so heavy as to make the acceleration argument even more problematic. By the time the brave travelers reached Alpha Centauri they would be fried. Maybe we could float them in a chamber of Mazola.

[sgva]

Sorry to break the bad news to you, but even if you stay on Earth, you're going to get short and bald if you live long enough...

[tgildred]

Space travel sounds a lot like marriage.

[PalmliX]

Ya I find it kind of ridiculous to make predictions on how long space travel will leave us psychially when the technology to conduct any kind of meaningful space travel is hundreds of years away. There's a very good chance that by that time we'll have something like weight gain worked out.

[Dr_Zinj]

Easy way to fix that problem.

Constant 1G acceleration.