Kanye to Twitter: I want my name back!

Kanye West, rapper and, um, other things has a blog. He is happy with his blog. And he does not need to join the Twitterati.

However, having discovered that there are fake Twitter accounts in his name, Kanye took to his blog to, in his words, offer a "spaz" because of "losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts."

And what a spectacular spaz this was. In its way, quite a thoughtful spaz too.

He began, in rather untwitteresque caps, by saying: "DON'T HAVE A F****** TWITTER... WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE."

He then rapped the obsession with real-time communication so beloved of, oh, people who go to real-time communication conferences: "I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF."

I need less ice cream. Does Twitter offer that?

(Credit: CC Anirudh Koul/Flickr)

Kanye appears to have been in contact with the Twitterarchy and explained that he does not want to Twitter, has no intention of Twittering, and wishes Twitter would just twitter off.

He continued with his caps: "THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON'T HAVE A F****** TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS."

In case you didn't quite get that, Kanye repeated for rhythmic emphasis: "THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM."

Kanye ended with a question, and a significant question too: " IT'S A F****** FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW .... WHY?"

If you haven't already understood why, please don't worry, as Kanye is about to tell you. Are you ready?

"BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!"

Yes, that is a real quote. And, yes, that is the end of his spaz.

I am sitting here, with many body parts twitching in anticipation of the American Idol semi-final result, wondering what it would be like to be Kanye. It's not easy, but I got into the character by going to Twitter, where I discovered 19 different Kanye Wests on the site.

I feel sympathy wafting through me. I am about to emit it when I happen upon a tiny Gawker item that questions whether Kanye always writes his own blog.

Oh, world. Why must you disappoint?

[Orion Blastar]

Most famous people should have lawyers or people who work for them to register their name on online services like this just so that others don't register with them.

Either that or famous names of famous people cannot be used as user names and go on a banned list.

[gsekse]

Dan Brown is a famous author, does this mean all the other "Dan Brown" don't have claim to their name?

No, what Twitter should offer is a link to "who is real and who is not". That way a false twitter person is exposed on that site.

[sodapop2k9]

What a loser

[eltoro2827]

twiitter is lame.

[terminalblue]

so is kanye west...best he was lame WAYYYY before twitter

[Cheese McBeese]

Kanye is a loser and Twitter is useless drivel. They're a perfect match for each other.

[dissent3125]

Nice grammar Kanye....

[taintcheese01]

http://twitter.com/Kanyestaint

Follow me, the most famous taint in the game

[salmoriarty]

He must've been feasting on fish sticks while writing that mindless dribble.

[terminalblue]

WHAT...I LIKE FISH STICKS!!!!

[rrod182]

What an irrelevant beyotch. How many 15 minutes is this guy gonna get. He actually made me want to twitter.

[infinitely]

Wow, for once I actually agree with Kanye.

[CA1900]

GEORGE BUSH DOES NOT CARE ABOUT TWITTER!

[farnerma]

I almost wet myself when I read this. Damn that is funny. Mr. West is a barely functioning retard. Its nice to see that he hasn't been committed to a government run home yet. When I heard Bono on MTV call Mr. West "the professor", I thought I had a stroke. He is in a class of his own...wait I forgot about Bjork.

[terminalblue]

i lold

[rallynochaos]

I'm going to go make a Kanye twitter account now.

[vmlenigma]

Everyone should Download this idiots music from P2P sites
and I am also going to make a Kanye account

[stockyjoe]

Kayne defines hubris to the max. What an idiot. And I donm't say that because I don't like twitter. I say that because he IS an idiot.

[Dustymack]

I agree with Kayne. I think its lame what people do with these social networking sites. Look a the Myspace page of Richerd Gears hamster. Social networking sites are a wast of time and can give out more info so people can pray on you. I tuck down my Myspace page cause it was wasting my time.

[jrbirdman]

Kanye's an ass, not very smart, and a racist. But...he IS right about Twitter.

[ipomoea]

What about if someone was actually called Kanye West.
They should be able to post under their real names...
I have 2 friends called Michael Owen.

[maxsell]

There has to be at least a million people named Kanye West. I know 73 of them personally. Don't they deserve a Twitter account.

[joerickx]

twit

[Seaspray0]

so twue

[peterwhite]

HEY TWITTER, LISTEN TO KANYE ... HE'S A SELF-PROCLAIMED GENIUS ... and possibly a Gay Fish ... FOR FURTHER REFERENCE, WATCH THE SOUTHPARK EPISODE 'FUNNIEST JOKE EVER'

I do not Twitter nor have any intention of Twittering, I also don't My Space / Facebook and have issues with friends who choose to post my pictures, comments, etc without asking me. I only IM for work on an as needed basis. I realize it's all the rage but that doesn't mean I have to pretend to like it.

As a recoverring former crackberry: two cell phone, two carrier, laptop at the ready (mainly for work) I sometimes long for less connected days - especially when I was forced to work remotely while on my vacation in Hawaii. These days you're always within easy reach ... whether you like it or not!

[Dr_Zinj]

People who use Twitter are all useless twits anyway.

[eldris_]

If he stopped making such a fuss for 5 minutes and actually read the twitter ToS he'd realise they have proceedures for dealing with fake accounts. The info's not even hard to find, surely he has someone that could do it for him if he can't bear to go on the site himself.