Once upon a time, Debbie did Dallas. Monday, Steve Wozniak is fully intending to hump a little Hollywood. Yes, unbridled, uninhibited, unimaginable sex. In the form of the Argentine tango.
His e-mails to his Facebook Support Group have become so detailed, so intimate, that at times, I find myself wondering what it would be like if Woz grabbed me by the digits and whisked me onto the dance floor.
I imagine that his grip might be a little sweaty and uncertain. I also imagine that I would be wishing he were his professional partner, Karina Smirnoff.
However, Woz is determined to be the sexiest entertainer since Ru Paul. (Well, for some.)
In rehearsals for his Argentine tango, he has struggled to find the right eyebrow furrow. You see, the Argentine tango is a love-hate thing. And Woz is struggling with the hate part. You'd think that he would just imagine the judges.
He's also begun to play his dance music while he sleeps. This would lead me to suggest that he succeeded in popping down to his local Apple store, where the nice chaps at the Genius Bar soothed his iTunes back to life, though Woz has not revealed whether his MacBook did, indeed, lose some bits.
Perhaps to dial up the sexiness, so that you will dial up the voting lines, Woz has revealed a sexy joke that is keeping him and Karina in erotic stitches. (Oh, most of you have surely experienced erotic stitches once in your lives.)
It's the one about "the guy who checks into a hotel and asks for his porn channel to be disabled. The clerk tells him that their porn channel is normal and calls him a sick bastard."
Whatever gets you in the mood to tango, I say. And Woz is preparing to create a very special mood on Monday. With the help of Karina's fiance (the man who had to dance with the eliminated Denise Richards), Woz and his partner have concocted a move that seems to suggest that he is lifting up her dress with his foot.
"It's way out of character for this dance, but I can't help it," Wozniak wrote. "I'm sort of treating the judges like voyeurs at a peep show, ha ha ha."
Please, if you have never watched this show, nor ever considered voting for anyone in it, surely the moment has come for you to lay down your inhibitions and watch one of tech's most celebrated figures perform some peep for the peeps.
Then, why not do your technological duty and vote? (the Votewoz Twitter group now numbers more than 92,000).
Woz's Facebook Support Group would like to remind you (as my subjective objectivity forces me to remain impartial) that you can register lots of different e-mail addresses with ABC. This means you can call in 10 votes and e-mail at least 10 votes. If you're clever. Which all of you are.
Perhaps you, too, upon voting, will suddenly imagine that Woz's slightly sweaty hand is reaching out to you, while he whispers: "Let's tango, sugarplum."
(I will, because it is now my moral duty, be watching the show at 8pmPST- it's on at 7pm in the Central Sexuality Zone- and offering my views as soon after the dancing as my excitement allows me to form words. In advance, may I admit that I will, occasionally, be flipping channels to see how the Golden State Warriors are doing against The Grizzlies)