Why you should choose sex, not the Internet

I have been almost permanently disturbed since reading Dawn Kawamoto's revelations about a survey suggesting that women would rather forgo sex for two weeks than give up Internet access.

When I read that nearly half the women surveyed felt this way, I had a number of purely instinctive reactions.

First came the notion that the Harris Interactive surveyors, at the behest of Intel, had merely been screening women who work in information technology. This would have made the results entirely understandable--for so many reasons.

However, then I shook off this conception in favor of a simple explanation: perhaps it's the men these women are choosing (not) to have sex with. The slightly more than 50 percent who could not give up on, as Richard Nixon would put it, fornication, were possibly either fortunate to be in a rare, healthy relationship with a man or preferred the intimacy of women.

So many men can be, as they put it across distant shores, toerags. And the sexual quality that was (not) enjoyed by this worrying percentage of females might reflect male insensitivity and incompetence, rather than some lasting lust for the Web.

Does she look really happy to you?

(Credit: CC Jared)

While I am obviously unable to help with the immediate need for finding better sexual partners, I can, in an attempt to influence Dawn's poll, offer Six Deadly Reasons why sex will always outscore the Internet.

1. When a man crashes, he generally does so after sex. A laptop will often choose to crash right in the middle of the video you've been just dying to see.
2. Sex takes up so much less time than the Internet. With sex, 20 minutes can give you a considerable spike of adrenalin and even a little tingling of the fingers in the company of a living and, usually, breathing human being. With the Internet, you can lose untold days socially networking, till your fingers believe they've just played Rachmaninoff's 3rd at the Lincoln Center. And what do you get for it? A bunch more imaginary friends.
3. When it comes to sex, you've normally had dinner first. Which means that it is far less messy than most people's evenings on the laptop. They perch it on their knees, fingering the keyboard with their left hand while reaching for Domino's finest cheese, pepperoni, and green pepper with their right. If they're not crisp with their bite, the cheese stretches out like a ghost in a cartoon movie, until it makes contact with the keyboard, sticking to it and sliding into the cracks between the keys. Before they know it, their Apple is cheddared.
4. Sex exposes you for exactly who you are. There you lie, entirely denuded of pretense, being as much yourself as you could ever be outside of, perhaps, when you play golf. On the Internet, by contrast, everyone lies. The interactions you have are as false as a flamenco dancer's eyelashes. How can anyone take pleasure in that?

5. Sex gives you something to talk about. It gives the tabloids something to write about. Which gives people something to read about. Which gives them something to talk about. Can you ever imagine a publication solely devoted to what Britney Spears and her fellow cohort of stars do on the Internet? How crashingly dull that would be.
6. The internet will always be there tomorrow. What about your lover?

[uhhhhhhuh]

You can read a book while you're having sex. You certainly can't do that when you're online.

Did i read that wrong? Or are you just plain retarded?

[ChrisMatyszczyk]

Whoa,

Chill, there.

I edited that line out. And it somehow appeared. Very odd. It's gone again now.

Still, now that you mention it. War and Peace on a screen? I don't think so.

[BillG08]

Thank you, When I saw that it was really depressing... Glad someone else felt that way....

[selytch]

That's one great comparison! I should stop reading blogs though...

[ChrisMatyszczyk]

Ah, now, see here, seltych.

I never said NEVER go online....just, you know, make it a priority to love the one you're with. Because, well, the web isn't faithful, you know.

Chris

[Imalittleteapot]

Well it was less than half. Perhaps a simple explanation. What percentage of women were simply single and weren't getting any sex anyway? In that situation why would you give up the net? Also, what percentage of women couldn't give up the net because they need it to do their job. Yeah, some of them are probably just crazy though.

[willdryden]

Then there are the ones you need half a bottle of Jack Daniels before you would ask her out.

[aka_tripleB]

How was the survey conducted? Was it a web based survey? That would completely discredit these finding.

[hassan_bin_sober]

Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places to get laid!

[man_w_balls]

so this means, next time I go into an internet café with my gold chains, chest hair exposed, and tight pants sporting engorged boner, that I should just give up on the pick-up lines?
maybe I should get on the internet to pick up the ladies

[Pete Bardo]

I'm with imalittleteapot. But it's not just single women who aren't getting any. It would also include married women. I'd bet there are plenty of married women (and men) not having sex every two weeks, so giving it up doesn't mean a thing.

Reading a book while having sex isn't that far off base. Why did you edit that line out? Reminds me of a joke:

Q: "How do you know if your Jewish American Princess had an orgasm?"
A: "She dropped her nail file."

[kevinskrause]

What about intimacy and romance? Distractions like the internet and television have completely stunted our ability to interact on a more personal level. Nobody knows how to carry on a meaningful conversation and build a strong, and hopefully sensual, bond with a member of the opposite sex. Being in a committed, live-in, relationship for the last 4 years; I refuse to allow computers or televisions in the bedroom. And my sex life is much more frequent and healthy because of it. Get a clue people. Start enjoying the more finer things in life.

[ChrisMatyszczyk]

Kevin,

Thank you. You appear to be one of the more balanced members of the readership.

And I feel sure you will have happier holidays than many others.

Chris

[stewedbylunch]

I'm with Kevin also. Lately I've been pining for a time when we didn't have always on high speed internet and 200 channels worth of junk flooding my personal space and relationships. I guess my wife would in the group that would give up sex over the internet.

[lalomartins]

Two weeks only? I'd have given the same answer, and I'm a guy.

Seriously, I can live quite well without sex for two weeks, although I'd rather not. But 2 weeks without internet makes a major difference.

Now 6 months? I'd give up internet.

I think what the survey is really showing is that web+email access is a more immediate need than sex, that's all.

[ChrisMatyszczyk]

Yes, lalomartins,

And at this difficult time in our society's development, we should all be examining our needs very carefully.

Chris

[Admirable]

Maybe they are doing it wrong....

[walwebster]

How many different ways ARE there to use the internet?

[Mikebanks]

Individuals vary. But in general women have an easier time doing without sex than men. This is based on my interviews with thousands of women (no, I wasn't "with" all of them. But it's amazing what people will tell you when they know they can trust you). So of course most women could do without sex for two weeks easier than giving the Internet access.
--Mike

[ChrisMatyszczyk]

Mike,

You interviewed THOUSANDS of women? And they ALL trusted you?

Tell us more.

Chris

[MrMurder]

I have the opposite opinion about the article. Would you risk having sex at the time you're fifteen-year-old walks home? Nope. And thanks to the Internet, elementary school kids know what it is and what porn is. Me? I think porn is a sick obsessity for Americans and people of other races. I know a kid who thinks porn is man's best friend, but I try to instill in him that sex and porn are bad obessities. He probably only cares what's beneath the girl's clothes rather than the girl herself. He makes me sick just like you Chris.