Part 1: Where failing used car salespeople come to rest: ShopNBC

An Ode to Elliot

(Credit: ShopNBC)

Last night, as I was making my list up for the top 5 best video games of all time, I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch. Bored with the choices, I decided to turn on ShopNBC to see what the salespeople had to offer. And while I was prepared for some lines that would make a used car salesman cry, I wasn't prepared for the hilarious onslaught of pure bull.

The show started at 9PM and was replayed at 10PM with some extra anecdotes of information and a few more tidbits of funny and incredibly erroneous salvos. Needless to say, it was one of the most entertaining events I have witnessed on a television show in years.

Let me set the scene for you: Two men, one with blond hair sitting on the left and the other with black hair (Elliot) sitting on the right, were discussing an HP notebook (the August 26th top value item) that was sporting a 1.6GHz Intel Centrino Core Duo, a 120GB hard drive and a 15.4-inch "HD-quality" screen. Amazingly, the total package with an estimated value of almost $3,000 came to just five easy payments amounting to roughly $1,000. Of course, the whole package included software, an HP printer and a digital camera, so that amazing value quickly becomes even more laughable with the additional gadgetry thrown in.

At first, I thought ol' Elliot was going to, you know, tell the truth to the "30 million viewers" watching the show that night. Wait, hold on. "30 million viewers"? If 30 million people were watching Elliot and friend spewing this garbage about an under-equipped HP notebook, then that many people are reading this. More like 30 if you ask me.

OK, so where was I? Oh, right, celebrity A-lister Elliot, in blue. So, after he bragged about his numbers, Elliot got into the core specs of this "V12 engine." This is when it gets fun.

According to our friend Elliot, the HP notebook sports the "safest, most unhackable and (most importantly) uncrashable, Windows Vista Business edition." At this point, I almost lost it, but I maintained composure until he hit me with this monster: "With Windows Vista Business, there is no need for extra security software! It's the first operating system to protect against viruses and pop-ups!"

Oh Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. If I didn't love your blue shirt so much, I would tell you how amazingly ridiculous you sound. And, if I had the time, I would definitely explain to you why you're oh so wrong. Instead, I think I'll just sit here and laugh.

But trust me, this is only the beginning. With nary a blink, my new best friend Elliot decided to show off the operating system that "will not inflict a machine with viruses or spyware." The first thing he pointed out that the guy with blond hair seemed so excited to see was Vista's 3D window display.

Confused, I turned the volume up to see what in the world this dolt was talking about. After a lengthy description that went nowhere, Elliot finally showed me what he was talking about: the 3D window flip in Vista. Wow. Obviously business must be slow on ShopNBC and the material was running low because if that was the best he had, then he might want to find a new profession.

But, just as I knew he would, ol' Elliot found it within him to take this poor excuse for a sales pitch out of the basement and make everyone see what the true benefits of owning an HP laptop really are: Wi-Fi.

Elliot started out with an empathetic tone by explaining to blondie that he has been told on numerous occasions that, "you know, Elliot. I'm just not there yet for wireless -- it's too much to learn. I like to go in steps and I just don't think I'm ready to take it to the next level." Well, just to show us how easy it is to get onto the Internet, he was going to walk us through the process.

So, with a few knuckle cracks, rolled-up sleeves and some sweat, Elliot went through the arduous task of connecting wirelessly to the Internet. Amazingly, Elliot showed us how to hit a wireless button above the keyboard that would magically light up in blue once connected. And then, just when you thought it couldn't get any better, Elliot was lauding the fact that wireless connectivity was "just that easy!" But wait, there's more. Once connected to the Internet, ol' Elliot, feet planted to the ground, ready for anything that may come his way, told us all that the notebook comes with Internet Explorer and wait! It features a "pop...up...blocker!" The exuberance that filled the room was enough for any grown man to cry. Honestly, it was just that touching.

And while you would have turned the station already, I was strangely captivated by these two men, obviously spewing information with no knowledge of the product they were selling while trying to appeal to the "30 million viewers" anxiously waiting on Elliot's next words. Believe me, the next few topic areas take the cake.

Now that you read part 1, check out part 2 where Elliot tackles peer pressure, body building and Vista excitement!

Although the price isn't the same, I'm pretty sure this is the same package as what was on Sunday night. Check it out.

[grecha]

Yes, I too was entertained, but...

...those 2 guys on ShopNBC definitely were not in front of 30 million people. That is obviously how many cable subscribers have ShopNBC available to them, but who are not necessarily watching. Let me tell you what had me laughing. ShopNBC was coincidentally competing with QVC, which had their TODAY'S SPECIAL VALUE -- an ACER 17-inch notebook @ $969 or so. If you are not familiar with QVC, they always tell you how many units they've sold throughout a presentation. One fact about this is they cannot (therefore do not) lie about this figure. The FCC requires them to state the truth, otherwise it's fraud. QVC sold approximately 12,000 notebooks by day's end. That's over $11.5 million worth of product sold in one day. They were selling like 500 units every hour. I watched those fools on ShopNBC outright lying about how many they were selling. When I tuned in around 10pm, I watched for about 40 minutes because it was so entertaining how ridiculous they sounded in their sales pitch (like you were saying), but they would say things like, "we are almost sold out of the 2 or 3 thousand that we brought in to ShopNBC." Well, which is it? 2000? 3000? That's a big difference. And realize they were selling this since midnight the night before. If it was 2000 that they had, they were selling just 83 units an hour. At 3000, it would have been 125 every hour. But at 10:10pm they said, "we have only around 5 dozen left." At least 30 minutes LATER they said it again - "we have only 5 dozen left!" They were so misleading, or just simply lying. QVC is a class act and I believe their numbers - they are a $6 Billion company. ShopNBC is off the charts in the other direction. They are not even breaking $1 Billion annually. I will say, however, just to be fair - the QVC laptop had the inferior processor (the older dual-core pentium) compared to ShopNBC's HP (which had the newer Centrino Duo). I would have chosen the one from ShopNBC, but that's definitely NOT due to these idiots' sales approach. I'm just a more informed consumer and know what I'm buying.