Have you ever committed yourself to a lover? Has that lover ever turned on you, trodden on your commitment, and crushed your dreams of a white picket fence and perfect baking every Sunday?
Then please take a seat. For I wish to bring you the story of a man who was in that very position and decided he needed to buy himself something nice.
It just so happens that the something nice was a Halo suit of armor.
I am grateful to an emotional Reddit reader who sent me a link to Bygone Bureau, a culture and travel magazine that had thus far been bygone to me.
There, I found a beautiful, heart-wrenching, and ultimately heart-skipping story written by Eric Smith. I can only hope to believe that this story is real. Not for the pain he experienced, but for the pleasure it will surely create in you.
Smith runs a site called Geekadelphia, which appears to have finally brought a little culture to the City of Utterly Hate.
And in his beautifully written piece, he described how his lover told him there was someone else. This while Smith had the engagement ring he intended to give her in his pocket.
They parted. Smith, at first unsure what to do with the ring, eventually sold it on eBay. So what would he do with the money?
He wanted to feel less empty inside. "So I immediately spent the money on a suit of Master Chief armor," he wrote.
Master Chief is quite a large fellow. He's faceless and he's never seen without his protective garb.
Somehow, Smith felt this was deeply appropriate for him. So he got an artist outside Detroit (he found him via Etsy) to create a 40-pound suit in which he could marry his sorrow to his joy.
The helmet came from the Philippines and the whole thing does require something of a palaver in order to put it on. Indeed, Smith says that it takes two helpers to turn him into the man he dreams of being.
"At conventions and events, when I opt to show it off, I have to walk incredibly slow, as to avoid tipping over and possibly breaking something -- either in the suit or a part of my body," he wrote.
Here's the most important thing: he loves it. Here's the second most important thing: the ladies love it too.
On Reddit, Smith posted: "There have since been other girls. Chicks dig armor."
If you have recently been mistreated by a Miss Treater (or even a Mr. Treater), Smith has a suggestion. On Reddit, he said that the 405th.com is a good place to gain some insider knowledge on creating some outside--and outsize--protection.
Smith wants everyone to understand that he isn't hiding inside that costume.
He wrote: "Within that shell, whether its made of cardboard, plastic, fabric, fiberglass, or steel, hidden away there is a figure worthy of attention. It's the person who put all their heart and soul into a project, and now they're wearing their work all over them."
Love hurts. But the Master Chief makes hurt feel good.