Are you the sort of person for whom "American Idol" just doesn't do it any more?
Do you crave the days when "Ally McBeal" at least brought a smile to your lips with its unisex toilet? Is your DVR merely populated by countless repeats of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (which doesn't seem all that hard, frankly), put there by your louche, pot-smoking lover?
Well, then, please allow me to save your life.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, game company Oberon Media has somehow found something in common with both the Tetris Company and the Dish Network. The three of them have formed a digital barbershop ensemble to bring you the pleasure of playing Tetris on your TV.
For a mere $2.99 a month--yes, less than you'd pay for a decent ice cream--you can try to control little bricks that are dropping down your plasma at increasing speeds. You can spend whole evenings finally believing that Tetris is, indeed, larger than life; larger, even, than Jay Leno's head.
And let us not forget that scientists are firm in their belief that Tetris improves the functions of your brain, not merely your finger ligaments.
Because I can already feel a certain moisture gathering around your face, may I tell you that there will be two different Tetrises available: the 15-level Marathon and, for those who really feel they have much to prove to society, 40 Lines, a version in which you have to get rid of 40 lines before your louche lover realizes just how low her man's life has sunk.
Given that this monthly subscription costs a mere fraction of what it would cost to view just one pornographic movie, I feel sure that this can only be the beginning of a vast, new and much-needed frontier for television.