Adventures in LockBic'ing

I'm supposed to be working when a co-worker sends everyone in the office an "interesting link" to a newsgroup post claiming that the nigh-invulnerable Kryptonite bike lock can be opened with a Bic pen. I do not believe this until a video clip shows it being done--in 19 freakin' seconds.

My office supplies Bic pens, and I rode my bike to work today. So I take a standard Bic pen (black) and try to remove the little black plug at the end by prying it off with a paper clip, carefully mutilated for this purpose. Unlike the spitball-adaptable Bic pens of my youth, this one will hold its plug really tight. Apparently Bic started soldering these things together sometime after 1987.

I throw away the bent paper clip and take out my scissors. I use the tip to bore a hole into the bottom, intending to then pry the plug loose from the inside. I deploy office-inappropriate invective when the "steel" tip of my office-issue scissors breaks off.

Okay, screw that. I decide to cut the pen barrel off a couple inches below the point and jam something, say the ink shaft, to push out the plug. Removing the tip and ink shaft, I try to cut the plastic barrel with the allegedly steel office scissors. Inside of three seconds, the scissors break at the handle, near the joint. More invective.

I observe that the plastic of the barrel--which at this point I wish my car were made out of--is barely nicked. But it's enough to snap it cleanly, so I do.

The ink shaft is not long enough to push out the tip. I give up before the ink tube explodes all over me. See, I have learned something so far.

I take the still-plugged pen to the basement bike garage. I contemplate testing this theory in someone else's lock. I pause to ponder the ethical dilemma.

Then I discover that the smoothly broken-off end doesn't even fit into my Kryptonite lock's key hole--too small. I figure the plugged end--if I could get the Army Corps of Engineers to remove the plug for me--wouldn't fit, either.

I could try to jam the pen against the lock with enough force to get it to warp and squeeze in. Or find--somewhere--a cutting implement capable of gouging the end of the pen to distort it enough to fit. I could also have to go blow another 40 bucks on a new bike lock, so I give up and shuffle back to my desk.

From this careful experimental process, I have learned two morals: E-mail does sap office productivity and resources. And the Kryptonite people should make their locks out of whatever Bic uses to make pens.