Some people are just unlovable. Or they seem to attract lovers who are one leg short of a stable table and cause them such misery that they have to consign them to history.
This would have been fine in olden times. They would have gone to a bar with a book, and drunk themselves quite silly.
But now there's Facebook, the all-encompassing, always-on repository of everything that is happening to everyone.
So being a singleton doesn't look good. It makes you look like the spare part that no one desires.
Thankfully, a group of very caring Brazilians has decided to come to the rescue of all of those who currently appear denuded of love on Facebook. They will create a fake Facebook girlfriend for you.
NamoroFake.com says, in Portuguese, that it can create a lissom lover in the blink of an eye and the passing of $39.99. Yes, around the price of two lapdances.
Please don't think that they just slap up a picture and take your money. Oh, no. They create a whole fake Facebook profile, so authentic that it's adorned with cute comments and status updates like: "Oh, cutey, Ren and Stimpy miss you and so do I."
You might wonder where these fake girlfriends are coming from. Well, ABC News lovingly informs me that the site invites women to offer their profiles up for virtual grabbing, with the incentive of a 50 percent profit share.
This seems eminently equitable.
Moreover, the site understands the psychology of men. It explains:
Sometimes people need to rent a fake girlfriend to make jealous a jealous ex-girlfriend. In truth, we have a lot of clients for that reason. After a breakup, the ex-boyfriends want to show that they are already with another person to feel good. One immediate way to do this is to hire a fake girlfriend to maintain appearances.
More Technically Incorrect
Appearances are, often, more important in relationships than, say, reality. Surely you, too, have enjoyed lovers for whom the approval of family, friends, and pastor were more important than the heightened quality of your actual love.
I feel sure that the creation of this site has absolutely nothing to do with any events that may or may not have occurred in the life of one Manti T'eo, amateur football player (and, perhaps, amateur lover too).
Still, the creators have tried to think of several amorous eventualities. They even offer a $19.99 service that creates a very fine ex-girlfriend for you. This might well be useful if you're trying to persuade your next amorous target that you're not the entirely lonely, pitiful creature that you actually are.
Naturally, there will come a point where your Facebook friends will be desperate to see a picture of the two of you together.
Presumably that is the time when you explain that she wasn't quite right for you because she had the empathetic level of a mailbox and the intuitive breadth of a bicycle tire.
And that's the point at which you transfer her to the status of ex-girlfriend and pay another $39.99 for another new fake girlfriend.
This way, you'll never have to pay for dinner for two again.
It's sad, though, that the service seems to be only available for men.
I have several women friends who would dearly love to have a fake Facebook boyfriend in order to ease their burden as they climb the corporate ladder in search of untold riches and boundless unhappiness.