Technically Incorrect

Because excitement has now reached beyond the red area on the dial, it is important to emit every single possibility about the alleged Apple tablet for instant world examination.

So I am delighted to report that the diligent sleuths at MacRumors have discovered a possible new name for the Apple product that is about to sweep all before it, should it ever actually materialize.

Please now tuck your hands beneath your hamstrings, move slightly further from your screens, and remove all items of sharp jewelry. For the name that, like iSlate, has apparently also been trademarked by a mysterious Delaware company with links to Apple is iGuide.

iGuide.

Guide dogs are always so cute. Just sayin'.

(Credit: Cc Midiman/Flickr)

Please just digest this for a moment. Do you want to clutch your iGuide? Do you want to stroke your iGuide like a fine, fresh painting? Will you quickly want to slip that word into a sentence? ("Hey! I got Playboy on my iGuide!") Will you even want to create little slogans for your own use? ("I nearly died when I got my iGuide!") Now, as MacRumors itself points out, it is also possible that iGuide will turn out to be the name of the service or software used by Apple's new device, not the name of the device itself.

I know that there has been some increasing of pulse rates at the idea of iSlate, a trademarked name that was also unearthed by MacRumors. However, I have a small feeling, a kind of friendly, slightly slobbery nibbling at my ear, that real people out there aren't all that instantly comfortable with the words "tablet" and "slate."

iGuide might remind some of, for example, TV Guide and it does feel just the slightest jot more human than "tablet" or "slate".

This doesn't mean that iGuide is any more likely than any other name that has been posited so far for this product that might not actually ever exist. But if there's one thing that Apple does so very, very well, it's being human.

Birds do it. Bees do it. It's just that these days in India it may be a little harder to watch online images of human beings doing it.

Sex is often a slightly thorny subject (well, maybe except in France). However, varying attitudes around the world to varying sexual practices mean search engines must adjust their positions accordingly.

So it may sadden some to hear of a Guardian special investigation that appears to have unearthed evidence of Microsoft and Yahoo search engines complying with a new Indian law offering severe punishment for the display of "lascivious" content.

I know one man's lascivious is another man's oblivious. But this law, based on a 150-year-old statute (section 292, if you have your Indian penal code tucked about your person) specifically targets access to obscenity.

A picture from Ramoji Film City in Andhra Pradesh. It is the world's largest integrated film studio complex.

(Credit: CC Shashi Bellamkonda/Flickr)

It helpfully defines obscenity as "any content that is lascivious and that will appeal to prurient interest or the effect of which is to tend to deprave or corrupt the minds of those who are likely to see, read or hear the same."

It's a nice word, corruption. One that often seems to have the words "government" and "politician" wrapped around it. Still, we're talking about sex here. Specifically, the vaguely pornographic kind.

The Guardian investigation suggests Microsoft and Yahoo have already taken steps to avoid the rather stiff punishments. If a search engine (or, indeed, Internet cafe) isn't careful about what sites it makes available, its officers might face three years in jail and a fine of up to 500,000 rupees (just over $10,000).

Microsoft's Bing, Yahoo's search engine, and even the Yahoo-owned Flickr have reportedly ensured that the safe search facilities on their sites cannot be disabled, something they also do in the pristine territories of Korea, Singapore, and Hong Kong.

I do not intend to suggest this new law will encourage more Indian professionals to seek employment in Silicon Valley. And I cannot imagine that Indian moral fiber is anything other than sturdy and cleansing. I just sometimes worry when politicians seem to have nothing better to do than to interfere in people's most private affairs.

The Indian media is, according to London's Times, sometimes a little slow in reporting the sexual peccadilloes of, well, politicians--even when their indiscretions are widely known.

Perhaps that will change in reaction to this law.

This week, for example, an Indian television news channel ran footage, allegedly of the 86-year-old governor of the Andhra Pradesh state in bed with several women to whom he was not betrothed. While the governor immediately resigned, you might wonder how it is that this footage was not deemed "lascivious."

Some of you might wish to suggest that the "law is an ass." But perhaps it's best to first search Bing and check whether "ass" might have lascivious overtones in certain parts of the world.

Are you submissive? Do you do what others or other machines tell you to do?

Well, according to the Associated Press, John and Starry Rhoads took a high road that almost turned into a very low road indeed, all because they did what their Toyota Sequoia's GPS told them to.

Apparently, the high desert of Eastern Oregon is a lovely place. Until you ask your GPS for the shortest route to your destination and it sends you down a remote forest road, without actually saying: "Yo, people. You go that way and it's really remote and foresty."

Thompson Reservoir, where the Rhoads were reportedly stuck in 18 inches of snow for three days.

(Credit: Google Maps)

Once they had gone where they were told, the Rhoads were on the road to no return. They ended up stuck in 18 inches of snow near a place called the Thompson Reservoir.

The Rhoads, from Nevada, are not dilettantes in a dilemma. They had plenty of warm clothing and food. And they had cell phones equipped with, yes, GPS. There was only one slight, delicate problem. They had no service.

I know there will be some of you who will hasten to hiss that they must have been AT&T customers. I can find no evidence of this. But I can find evidence that they were stuck for three days before one of their cell phones sprang to life and GPSed their co-ordinates to 911.

You will, I hope, enjoy the words of Klamath County Sheriff Tim Evinger, when the AP attracted his attention: "GPS almost did 'em in and GPS saved 'em."

There's another side to such words of bravado, though. It's as well to remember that in 2006, an Oregon forest took the life of CNET Reviews editor James Kim.

One of the things that came out of his death was the revelation that Oregon authorities at the time knew very little about how to even trace a cell phone. In cases such as that of Kim, the understanding of how a tragedy occurred can lead to a better understanding of how technology might help, as well as, sometimes, hinder.

For example, you might feel like a stiff conversation with some of your own technology when I tell you that the Rhoads' happy ending coincided with news that some British psychologists are to direct the world's attention to their view that GPS is, in fact, "potentially dangerous".

The Telegraph helpfully disseminated news of impending research to be conducted by brains from Lancaster University and Royal Holloway College, London. These professors have been moved by other research that indicates 78 percent of accidents are caused by drivers not paying attention.

They will therefore analyze how much GPS contributes to that inattention. Polly Dalton, one of the researchers on the project, told the Telegraph: "By the end of these experiments, we will be able to provide clear measurements of the ways in which the use of in-car navigation systems might interfere with attention and memory performance."

This is definitely a question reeking of our delightful modernity: if you were an escaped convict, would you regularly update your Facebook status?

This question is significant because Craig "Lazie" Lynch has, according to CBSNews.com, been on the run from a British prison since September. However, his Facebook page, updated with a plethora of bons mots Sunday, has stirred so many who admire freedom and, um, crime.

Lynch's musings are enjoying the attention of more than 3,000, um, friends. They have been regaled with Lynch's dilemmas, thoughts and wishes. This, for example, from Sunday: "Trying to figure out my plans for New Years. I know what I want to do but its not that easy."

Who can but sympathize with his plight? It's tough to get a reservation for dinner at a Gordon Ramsay establishment at such late notice. And if he wanted to take a lover for, say, a night at the Ritz, well, there might be problem with the credit card confirmation.

Lynch was serving a 7-year sentence for aggravated burglary before he slipped out of Hollesey Bay Prison, which is in the rather sleepy and flat part of England to the north-east of London.

An aerial view of the prison and its surroundings. Plenty of fields to hide in, no?

(Credit: CC Babylon Angel/Flickr)

The police are, naturally, not well-disposed toward Lynch's updates.

"We have spoken to Facebook and we are trying to trace him from the information we have, but it's one of those things that we're also asking for help from members of the public," police spokesperson Anne-Marie Breach told CNN.

It seems, though, that late Sunday, Lynch began experiencing a little emotional pain. In what must have been an almost teary update, he posted: "right i'm coming off this page as i have better things to do."

Who might have imagined that, in his mysterious hideaway, Lynch had something better to do than continue his run as a Facebook attraction?

Still, he continued: "In fact due to the nature of some of these comments and the racist remarks that keep frequently poppin up have a dig at me by all means but why be abusive to others due to their colour or race it is petty minded fools who have ruined this site."

Petty-minded, indeed. Some of the world's great artists have suffered when their works have been ruined by unscrupulous, jealous critics, so Lynch's pain is entirely understandable.

However, he wants his supporters to know that he is grateful. For he posted: "Thank you to...all of you serious supporters out there and to my admin staff. To all you haters and hitlers out there i hope you slowly choke in your sleep."

By the way, if you ever wondered about the definition of aggravated burglary it is this: at the time of the burglary, the criminal: "has with him a firearm, imitation firearm, weapon of offense, or any explosive."

You might imagine, therefore, that Lynch is someone who might not always turn the other cheek. This might affect the level of sympathy you have for his Facebook critics.

How do you react, for example, to this update from he Saturday evening?: "Its freezing outside. Another lonely night. So far away from my family and friend. Yet I have so many supporters and haters on here. Thx for your support everyone cause this is a FAN PAGE."

One might conceive that, with the help of the large brains at Facebook, Lynch's Facebook fame might shortly come to an abrupt logout.

But here's the thing that seems a little peculiar. Lynch, according to the BBC, was serving time near the end of his sentence and escaped while he was on day release.

For some, the lure of Facebook fame is clearly uncontrollable.

Those nice people at Google, engineers at heart rather than craven, money-grabbing business people, seem to have suffered a sudden attack of commercialism.

The folks at the Silicon Alley Insider alerted me to this startlingly commercial ad on the Google home page. It can't be, I thought. So I went to Google.com myself and there it still was: a dry little thing in the right-hand corner suggesting that I should download Google Chrome.

(Credit: Business Insider)

You might be wondering why Google might have taken this sudden, almost alarming step into advertising's dark hole.

You might consider that it comes soon after Google's extremely engaging Chrome campaign, the one that comes over all Picasso.

You might wonder whether the company has had enough of browser war talk and decided to enact browser war mayhem.

You might also wonder whether, following the rumors of a Google phone, the company has decided that it has had enough of its nice-guy persona. Like a priest who's renounced his vows in order to play the field, Google is going to make a grab for every last dollar in the technological space.

Whatever the reason, it all seems rather sweet. Which is just how Google wants it to seem.

Ever since someone tried to sell me on the curious notion that Houston was the Manhattan of Texas, I have become fascinated with the place.

So I am blissfully excited that PCWorld has caused my blood to turn my arteries into a NASCAR track with the revelation that police in the Houston-area county of Montgomery have decided to shame drunk drivers in a very modern way.

Yes, if you are caught driving while the special eggnog concoctions are making your nerve endings feel like Christmas lights, you will have your name on an especially festive Twitter page.

This seasonal offer only applies to those arrested between Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. And the Twitter page in question will not be one newly set up for the occasion, but rather that of Montgomery County District Attorney Brett Ligon.

Naturally, some are wondering whether this little Twittering experiment might be flying the wrong way down a lane currently occupied by the concept of "innocent until proved guilty."

The Manhattan of Texas. A home of socially-networking progress?

(Credit: CC Eflon/Flickr)

As Houston attorney Paul B. Kennedy says, on his own blog, with a sarcasm that not even a sliver of cabernet sauvignon could dampen: "Of course the police never make wrongful arrests."

However, in Texas they do seem to be quite keen on humiliation as a palliative. No, I am not referring to the bedroom predilections of Texan lawmakers, but rather to Denton, Texas (near the slightly less Manhattanesque city of Dallas), where every arrest gets Twittered.

It has to be said, though, that the Denton Twitter page was originally conceived by an enthusiastic layperson, rather than a zealous arresting officer.

While the Montgomery County drunk-driving information that is being Twittered is not legally confidential, you might wonder whether Twittering humiliation is a reasonable method of enacting the law.

Montgomery County Vehicular Crimes Prosecutor Warren Diepraam told PCWorld: "I sincerely doubt that the fact that I've put someone's name on a Twitter page is going to affect their right to a fair trial."

And I sincerely doubt that Diepraam believes that social networking is anything other than a vehicle for honest and legal communication. However, could he be the same Warren Diepraam from Houston, Texas who, on his Facebook page, wants people to think he looks like the moon? Surely not.

"Sherlock Holmes" is not a wonderful movie. Despite the fact that so many ditheringly unstable people in the movie theater I wandered into on Christmas Day applauded when the final scene slithered away.

However, if you were to ask Robert Downey Jr.'s violently amusing Holmes to tell you discern the truth about the new Apple tablet, he would surely repeat his words from the movie: "Data! Data! Data! I can't make bricks without clay!"

So because there are many who are still groggy after the week's festivities, I thought I'd scour around for data that will separate the rumor from the definitive fact.

Apple's new tablet will be called the iTablet. And it will be launched last September. Yes, last September.

But wait, last September was a few months ago. So perhaps that information wasn't quite correct.

Everyone who is anyone, or who would like to be anyone, knows that the apps you have on your iPhone say a lot, well, almost everything, about you.

However, there are a couple of new apps that might truly revolutionize your Christmas and not necessarily in a good way.

The first is called the Background Check App. Not only is it wondrously free, but it also strikes a huge and lasting blow for personal freedom.

You can look around your dinner table this holiday season and, with your usual lithe grace, pull out your iPhone. Using your Background Check app you can discover everything you need to know about the criminal history, property records, and so much more of everyone there.

It could be your neighbors who always seemed too good to be genuinely neighborly. It could be your Aunt Agatha, whose affinity for the schnapps might screen some vital information about her past life and associations.

Background Check was released December 18 and it has already received plaudits from happy iTunes store customers who have previously paid $60 to spy on others.

However, what if you decide to check up on your lover and discover she spent 18 months in an open prison in Connecticut for, um, fraud? How might that affect your experience over the Christmas morning stocking? What if you discover that your parents don't actually own the house in which your gifts are under the Christmas tree? What if you find out your sister regularly bounces checks?

Still, does Background Check have quite the potential to ruin your Christmas enjoyed by Gunman?

Gunman encourages you to enjoy the beauties of augmented reality to participate in "an epic battle with your friends."

Yes, when you hit your opponent, his iPhone will vibrate. You can leap around the rooftops of your neighborhood (please see the embedded Gunman video) before Christmas dinner, shaking your iPhone to reload before you take aim at those closest to you.

But what if, while you attempt to evade a sneaky attack from your cousin Jerome, you slip from the rooftop, fall into the neighbor's garden, bang your head against one of the fishing gnomes and suffer a concussion while Jerome repeatedly zaps you with his iPhone?

What if you suddenly and inexplicably spend the whole of your Christmas dinner revealing your distaste for your half sister, Griselda, by consistently zapping her over the lamb shank? Wouldn't this be augmented reality augmented to the level of dangerous mental instability?

Christmas is supposed to be a time when we embrace the shared values of love, joy, altruism and free food, wine and spirits.

Then along come these two apps, subtly targeted at the "Shared Values of Christmas" market, encouraging you to take physical and emotional risks that might result in anything from paranoia to broken relationships to broken crockery and garden gnomes.

Who on earth would create such things? Perhaps one should Background Check these people.

You will, no doubt, be plagued this holiday season by real-time conversations from real-time annoyances who claim to be members of your family. You will, therefore, be tempted to indulge in some excessive real-time drinking that might, just might, affect your sense of, well, the real time, the real place, even the real country you are inhabiting.

However, you will, I hope, be delighted that some very enterprising people have considered your plight and decided to offer you the latest hangover cures in real time. All you need to do is to have your smartest phone about your person at all real times and refer to the updates at Twitter.com/hangover_cure.

Twitter can save you, sir.

(Credit: CC Craig M Dennis/Flickr)

There, you will find contributions from, no doubt, hardened drinkers, hardened family therapists or, who knows, maybe hardened altruistic specimens who would like you to hurt less, party more, and not let your children see you looking like the inside of a bull's nostril after a stampede.

The Twitter page, sponsored by video-on-demand provider Blinkbox Entertainment, (yes, it's releasing "The Hangover," get it?), will offer you such gems as: "Try whipping up a Carrot Comfort (200g carrots, 1 apple, 1cm fresh root ginger & ice) & let us know."

All right, some of the suggestions might walk the thin line between holistic and horrific. But who could really fault the dedication and spirit of Christmas engendered by a suggestion such as: "Try the Honey Bun: Half a ripe banana, 1 teaspoon clear honey, 2 teaspoons natural yogurt & water; then tweet us the results!"

I feel confident that the Hangover Cure Twitter page will be a repository for scientific discovery that has not been seen since, oh, the Facebook Beacon program.