Technically Incorrect

There's something that looks like a wedding ring. A wedding ring, I tell you.

I don't for a moment believe it belongs to Gov. Arnold Schwarzernegger's fair wife. However, it's the governor who is inviting you to "bring the family" and take items such as this ring off his hands. Because California needs to find cash wherever it can.

Please, go to Craigslist or eBay and take the ThinkPad ($200) and the the Dell laptop ($200). Or even these 10 office chairs ($5 each). The LG Flip Phone ($9) and the Blackberrys ($25) have already gone. But there's plenty more.

Who knows what role some of these delightful items played in California's history? Were they used to send furtive e-mails? Might some have been used for exciting late-night trysts?

Roll up, roll up, for this is no ordinary garage sale. This is the Great California Garage Sale.

If you don't trust buying anything on Craigslist or eBay, even if it purports to come from the governor's own bosom, you can go to Sacramento on Friday and Saturday and peruse available items to your pocket's content.

If any of you wondered just how bad California's situation is, please consider that the state is happy to accept "cash, cashier's check, Visa, MasterCard, AMEX or Discover."

Except, that is, for cars. In an interesting homage to car dealers everywhere, the state will not be accepting cash for vehicle purchases. However the state would like to reassure you that it will start the cars and prove they are in running condition.

In case any of you would like to augment your computer collection, may I tell you that the computers will not be sold with an operating system. No, not even Vista.

The governor has promised to autograph some of the items. Although I am not sure where he might autograph a BlackBerry.

However, this is all clearly being done with something of a sense of gallows humor. The Jimmy Kimmel take that I have embedded here is actually featured on the state's own Great Garage Sale site.

It's ugly. It's not proactive. It turns a deaf ear, a blind eye, and a snubby nose to investors. And it looks upon advertising as if it were as appropriate as an anchor tattoo on the Pope's forehead.

In sum, suggests Gary Wolf in the latest issue of Wired, Craigslist is a mess. A horrible mess. An embarrassing mess. A willful mess in which its principals rake in money while its principles seem to revolve around some weirdly benign view of human goodness.

Of course, you can see what he means.

We live in the forging, gorging West. We need things to be large and shiny. We need the surface of everything to be attractive, clean and bright, so that the mirage can somehow compensate for a reality that might not be quite so perfect.

At least, that's what so many of those who manage brands seem to believe.

And yet there's Google, whose sense of design might most politely be described as workmanlike. Although I have heard phrases such as "naive" or even "dull."

Messy? Moi?

(Credit: CC Psd/Flickr)

Somehow, Google has never really made too much of an effort to sex up the look of its search and it has done really quite well. Microsoft's Bing sees this as one of Google's potential weaknesses and has made at least some attempts to look just a little cooler than its monolithic competitor.

So Craigslist is surely not alone in cradling its utilitarianism, while steering clear of glamour. Wolf makes much of Craig Newmark and CEO Jim Buckmaster being slightly odd types who fancy themselves as libertarian, but rather wealthy, Robin Hoods.

However, shouldn't we really be thinking about ourselves as the odd types?

The fact that Craigslist gets more traffic than either eBay or Amazon suggests that the site's mess is one we humans not only recognize, but even appreciate.

Its utter lack of pretension, its acknowledgment of life as difficult, wayward, and, yes, messy, somehow serves to help people accept it as the place to go for real, everyday, sometimes very cumbersome needs.

Stripped of the glitter associated with conventional advertising and conventional business, Craigslist looks at you openly and benignly and says: "What annoying little burden can we take away for you, today?"

It's commercial psychotherapy of a very different sort than, say, Gucci.com.

The fact that the site and its way of doing business also happen to rhyme rather well with Newmark's and Buckmaster's view of the world might not be cause for criticism, but rather envy.

How many people are fortunate to live and work without having to compromise their principles, even their very personalities?

If Craigslist is such an embarrassing mess, why has no handsome eligible competitor come along and swiped it from the Web, like a nerdy, pimpled boy being removed from the pretty people's party?

Could it be that for all the ugliness, for all the bizarre bazaar-like quality of the site, people feel a certain recognition within its pages? Even a certain trust?

Yes, Craigslist is messy, annoying, contrarian, contradictory, arbitrary and just occasionally totally maddening. Somehow, people like that. Could it be because Craigslist is a little like us?

Humanity knows no depths.

On Monday, Craigslist and other sites were adorned with many of those lucky to have won tickets to Tuesday's Michael Jackson memorial service celebrating their good fortune--by trying to sell the free tickets.

On Craigslist's LA site the bereaved are brazenly asking buyers to take away the burden of their pain. One, for example, wanted $2,000 for two tickets. His posting, however, has been flagged for removal.

As, it appears, have most, if not all related postings on Craigslist and eBay.

Naturally, many of these posters knew this might happen, so, in a pre-emptive strike worthy of a paparazzo, they have put their phone numbers and e-mail addresses into the headlines so that the grieving and the gullible can contact them directly.

While some of those who were not lucky enough to score tickets are posting requests craving the indulgence of others, might one just wonder whether these are equally squalid scoundrels who, if someone took pity, would merely try to sell the tickets on?

Several Craigslist posters have, however, made reference to a Los Angeles Times blog post that suggests that even if people buy tickets, they won't be able to get in. This poster, for example, prints the blog post in its apparent entirety.

The post quotes Michael Roth, a spokesman for AEG, the company that was organizing Jackson's 50 London concerts and is organizing the service, as saying: "Several apparent ticket holders posted intentions to sell the tickets on eBay, but Roth warned that the security system in place will prevent anyone from doing so."

Roth makes very clear the layers of security that have been put in place: "In addition to the vouchers received via a special code, ticket holders will have to show a valid driver's license, and those whose IDs do not match the registration information will be eliminated as guests.

But then there's the case of Rob O'Sullivan. O'Sullivan, from Houston, Texas, was featured on NBC's "Today Show" on Monday (video embedded here). He decided to enter the memorial service lottery as "a lark." He won.

However, he is unemployed and cannot afford to go to LA to pick up the tickets. So he put the tickets up for sale on eBay for $15,000. Then he says he dropped the price a little.

Interviewed by Meredith Viera, O'Sullivan explained that his daughter needs heart surgery and he therefore believes it reasonable to try to sell these tickets. He also said he would offer a money-back guarantee if, for some reason, the buyer could not pick up the tickets.

Is his case different? Perhaps you can decide.

In death, there is retail life.

Michael Jackson was an icon, so, somewhere along the way, there will be those who will want to capitalize on his passing.

Drifting through eBay's pages, one sees that many who seem to be bowing their heads in respect may actually be stooping to fairly venal lows.

Take the staggering swiftness of enterprising seller JanisK56, who put a lovely item of memorabilia up for sale Thursday, just before it was confirmed by TMZ that Jackson was no more.

This seller offered, as a one-day special, a 2003 People magazine cover featuring the singer.

(Credit: CC Asim Bijarani)

Did the cover feature a triumphant world tour? Or perhaps a family reunion? Not quite. The headline is "Did he do it?" and it features an eight-page analysis of child molestation allegations.

"Will Others Come Forward?" asks the cover. Which is what I was wondering when considering who else would want to sell such mindlessly inappropriate memorabilia to people who might be fans. At the time of writing, the leading bid for this cover is $11.50. Which might strike some as $12 too much.

If that doesn't make you feel a touch queasy, several sellers are attempting to capitalize on pristine editions of yesterday's New York Times. Some, like AFlowerandagun, even add lines to remind you why you should spend cash to buy this paper.

"This is a historic day," declares AFlowerandagun's subhead. But is it really so historic and moving a day that you can't help but try to make $15.50 (the leading bid as I write) on a copy of a newspaper?

Then there's Erickdigger, a seller who is offering a "Michael Jackson life mask." Yes, not a death mask, a life mask.

The seller explains: "This started with an actual life cast mask of Michael Jackson. Then it has been sculpturaly (sic) enhanced by me Erick Erickson.The Hair, ears and eyebrows have been added to create a very lifelike display." And he concludes: "It's like having Jacko right there with you."

The price for Jacko's life mask is $44.99.

I fully understand that many people around the world are moved by Jackson's death. But to write a line like "It's like having Jacko there with you" seems tantalizingly insensitive.

Then again, how might fans feel about the "Michael Jackson Poseable Doll"? This seller, Deathcall47 (really) is offering a Jackson doll from the 1980s still in its box. Deathcall47 leaves a note, so that you can be clear what he is feeling.

"1984 MICHAEL JACKSON POSEABLE DOLL A MUST HAVE FOR ANY JACKSON FAN. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT HIS DEATH. THIS IS A VERY HOT ITEM FOR ANY FAN," he begins. And he concludes with: "YOU WONT BE SORRY WHO KNOW'S (sic) WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE WORTH."

The leading bid at the time of writing is $250. I wonder if it's a fan or a mere capitalist.

Jackson's death is extremely sad. But isn't there also something a little sad about people who hear about his death and think they can make a few random bucks from it, regardless of what it is they have to sell? All the sellers I have mentioned put the items up for sale either Thursday or Friday.

Of course, one shouldn't be surprised. But one can only hope that fans, in their grief, will distinguish between the valuable, the sincere, the opportunistic and the utterly callous.

It would be interesting to hear what fans might think of the eBay seller named cadzdaman.

He is offering the domain name MJ-IS-DEAD.com.

At least his message is very straightforward: "Domain name to inform those of Michael's tragic death, or can be resold for a profit."

Indeed. The leading bid as of Friday 12:52 p.m. PDT was $0.99.

He is selling $25 for 87 cents. He's sold Michael Jackson tickets for next to nothing. And now he's selling an iPhone 3G for $7.48.

Perhaps you might think Nicolas Dickreuter, the creator of PsychoAuction.com, is a few bills short of a fold himself. Some of his friends think so.

Dickreuter used to work for Lehman Brothers and now he doesn't. So he set up the site, a sort of eBay on ganja, on which auctions last only a few minutes and prices are absurdly low.

The old European HQ of Lehman Brothers. Perhaps PsychoAuction was born in a meeting room there.

(Credit: CC Jim Linwood/Flickr)

"I appreciate that some of my friends are concerned, but I can assure them I have not lost the plot," Dickreuter told the Sun. "This is the next generation of online auction sites. Once it attracts more users, there will be more bidders--and more realistic prices."

Currently, you get three free bids, but then have to pay to bid more. However, the more people you bring to the site, the more free bids you earn.

In case you think this is all, as Ali G might put it, a little whack, please let me assure you that an iPhone has already sold on PsychoAuction for 28 British pennies. That is roughly 43 American cents.

I would be fascinated to hear from anyone who has bought something for an insane price at PsychoAuction. It really does sound like my kind of crazy, your kind of crazy, everyone's kind of crazy.

Oh, and just in case anyone was still wondering, that would include Lehman Brothers kind of crazy, right?

It seems that Bernie Madoff, the Fonzi of the Ponzi, had little use for technology for much of his life. He may not have even bothered making any online trades, for example.

However, he (or rather the trustees of whatever there is left of his swindling) has resorted to eBay to sell a couple of rather fine tickets to the New York Mets' opening day game.

These tickets--conveniently situated near the Mets dugout--are not the actual tickets that might have been graced with Madoff's behind. His trustees exchanged his chosen tickets for these in a deal with the Mets.

Still, celebrity is the world's most compelling narcotic, so you will not be surprised that bidding has been brisk. As of 10:20 a.m. PDT Saturday, the leading contender had offered $2,855. (The bidding started at a mere $525 and closes on Sunday morning.)

I believe these are members of the media, rather than bidders for Mets tickets, outside the Madoff abode.

(Credit: CC Red Carlisle/Flickr)

I am amazed that the Upper East Side dwelling Madoff would have even considered stooping to watching the Mets play the cellar-dwelling San Diego Padres. However, who could doubt that seeing a game from Madoff's vantage point would be a deep and instructive experience?

If you don't happen to have $2,900 handy into order to enjoy a little of Madoff's booty, then please don't be too concerned.

That's because if you go to Madofftrustee.com, you will see that further tickets are being sold through StubHub. I cannot possibly comment as to why some tickets are worthy of eBay while others are forced to languish on Stubhub, but I can tell you that you can get tickets for next Sunday's game with the Brewers for a mere $450 each.

What fun it will be to see who will be be paying their finely earned dollars to commune with the spirit of the Madoffs.

Perhaps a hedge fund manager or two, no?

Curt Sleeper is a man ahead of the curve. The curve that begins the downward spiral.

Understanding that humanity is regressing to its cave-dweller roots, he and his wife Deborah bought their own cave in Festus, Mo., back when most people were tossing their home equity down a cavernous hole.

The Sleepers even sold their DVD collection to buy the 17,000 square foot cave. I don't even want to think what their heating bills must be. However, I know they are now experiencing a deep chill.

The cave cost $160,000, of which the Sleepers put down half. The other half they borrowed from the people who sold them the cave. (No, they were not called the Crusoes or the Robinsons from Switzerland.) It was a five-year loan with one so-called balloon payment at the end, which would be this May.

This, apparently, is a bedroom.

(Credit: Curt Sleeper)

Sadly, with the banks in a self-induced coma of convenience, the Sleepers are unable to refinance. Mr. Sleeper, a computer consultant, told ABC News: "Right now, banks are not interested in anything odd." There is, indeed, nothing odd about taking taxpayers' money to cover for decisions made in large echoing heads.

So Mr. Sleeper has gone Web 2.0 to achieve his required zeros. He has requested bids on eBay.

He and his family have spent five years turning the cave, which was once an ice rink and also a concert venue (Yes, Bob Seger played there. Ted Nugent's hair performed there, too.), into something Ali Baba and his 40 thieves would have loved.

"The goal is not notoriety," he said. "The goal is either to finance or sell my house."

10,000 people have already shown some interest in cave-dwelling. 70 have declared their pre-registered interest in bidding.

The delight of it all is that the Sleepers actually found their cavernous dream on eBay too. So I am sure there must be someone who appreciates that cave-dwelling is the future. Just think of the number of hairy roommates you could fit into 17,000 square feet.

Insanity knows no limits. Neither, it seems, do the feelings of a hurt eBay seller.

Chris Read, a 42-year-old English chap, bought a Samsung 700V phone from Joel Jones on eBay.

"I was told the phone was in good condition, but there were scratches all over it, a big chip out of the side and it was a different phone. I paid for a Samsung F700 and got a Samsung F700V," Read told the Daily Telegraph.

He returned the phone and got a full refund, but, thinking he might help other less-than-witting purchasers, he left a comment on eBay's feedback link.

Please read how willfully nasty were Read's words: "Item was scratched, chipped and not the model advertised on Mr Jones' eBay account." Um, and that appears to have been it.

Jones, on reading this deep indictment of his exemplary business practices sent an e-mail to Read, threatening to sue for libel. The gist of his e-mail seems to have been that Read's highly emotional invective had adversely affected his business.

And so, my friends, we are going to the place where judges still wear toupees.

Read is determined not to have his eyes scratched out by a scratchy phone seller: "I thought that was why the feedback service was there. It's not like I wrote anything malicious or nasty."

What Would Judy Do?

(Credit: CC Fandayou0088)

Jones, however, has a very interesting argument, one that many a marketer of underperforming gadgetry will surely consider for their next campaign: "If you don't like the goods, then you get a full refund. Surely that is great customer service and deserves positive feedback."

He claims that, because of Read's hideously honest comment, eBay has sent him down toward the nether hell of its listings pages.

One can't help wondering, however, whether Jones might put his legal mallet away and instead put his own comment next to Read's feedback.

Perhaps he could explain that his two-legged dog, Horatio, had inadvertently scratched the phone as it was being packed. Or that the chips were caused by his moody schizophrenic budgerigar, Sarah.

Surely Jones is seeking sympathy rather than justice. Because even if he somehow persuaded a court that he was right (which would seem a little unlikely), he will always be known as the scratchy phone seller who sues his customers.

Mr. Jones, can you imagine what the comments on the eBay feedback page will look like after the court case? Surely this was just one piece of feedback. And am I right in thinking that everything Mr. Read wrote was, well, true? So how was it, as your suit maintains, "unfair, unreasonable, and damaging?"

Many eBay sellers get hundreds, even thousands of comments. Did you not get any positive ones? Is that it? Do you just need a little love?

Don't they have a Judge Judy in the U.K.?

If you're thinking of splitting up with your lover tonight, please give it a little more thought.

Perhaps like you, I was initially touched by the story of Ian Usher, an Englishman living in Perth, Australia.

Mr. Usher appears to have been betrayed by his significant other. So much so that he decided to set up a website and auction the whole of his life on eBay.

When I say the whole of his life, I understand that he wants to keep his spleen, shins and heart, albeit broken into a thousand pieces. However, his house, his sofa and his friends, well, they can all go.

As I write this, the leading bid is some A$390,000.

And all I can say ask of potential buyers is that they gird themselves for strange occurrences.

Mr. Usher appears to be a genuine man. His site is full of interesting information about him, such as his buying and selling of cars and his cycle hire business.

Yet he also has a blog, the latest entry of which you may find disturbing.

Mr. Usher has suddenly discovered the tale of Marc Ecko, a soi-disant clothing enterpreneur, who paid $750,000 for Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run ball in order to bathe in a deluge of goodwill messages.

This is a picture of a man helping his friend move house. Nothing more.

(Credit: sillygwailo)

And also in order to see what it feels like to be a deity for a day. Yes, he was the bright spark who held a poll to ask whether the ball should go to the Baseball Hall of Fame with an asterisk scrawled on it.

Shockingly, the asterisk won. And Mr. Ecko cemented his place in the history of sport. As, some have said, a vacant noise.

So now Mr. Usher has convinced himself that he, too, is a record-breaking baseball and is begging Mr. Ecko to buy his life.

As Mr. Usher says on his blog: "The thing that truly amazes me is $750,000, for a baseball!! I have a soccer ball, an Aussie Rules football, and quite a few golfballs here too. I might go out to the sports store and buy a baseball too, assuming they stock them here! Are you reading this, Marc Ecko?"

I fear that eBay might want to call Social Services in on this one.

I am concerned that Mr. Usher, in believing that his life is the equivalent of a baseball, may have stepped a little too far down the psychological gang plank.

What might he expect Mr. Ecko to do with his house, belongings and friends? Might he hope that they would all be asterisked, each being a permanent monument to Mr. Usher's despair?

Might he believe that the famous French writers Goscinny and Uderzo would be disinterred to write a sequel, based on Mr. Usher's life, to their great "Asterix the Gaul", and entitle it "Asterisk the Ball"?

Mr. Usher himself believes that if he is mad, he is suffering only from "inspired madness."

Still trying to conjure the inspired connection between the value of a man's life and that of a famous baseball (of COURSE the baseball is worth more), I can only leave you to go to Mr. Usher's site and perhaps yourselves attempt to reason with him.

Mr. Usher claims he will go to the airport when the auction is over and get on the first plane he sees.

The auction ends this weekend.

We don't have much time.