Technically Incorrect

(Updated at 1:56 p.m. PST, after I put down my own bottle of Lapin Kulta.)

If you've ever spent a long night drinking with Finns, you may have noted that after the 10th beer, they can become jolly, effusive, and positively inventive. Well, please hark the words of Martti Roth, an alleged employee of Intel Finland, who thought of something rather special while under the influence of alcohol.

I am not libeling him, truly. Because Roth says he really did come up with the notion, while at a bar, that he and his Intel friends should create the world's biggest Intel chime ever by firing themselves out of cannons.

On the special Intel Cannonbells site, Roth declared: "I thought about the biggest, most exciting way we could create those five notes. And the longer I stayed in the bar, the more sense it made."

Roth says he is a field applications engineer. And his family has a history with cannons. No, not in some 19th century war, but, well, it sounds like a tragic story.

"In 1906, my great grandfather tried to fire himself from a cannon over the widest part of the river Vantaa in Helsinki," Roth said on the site.

I cannot imagine why he might have made this interesting choice. In answer to the question "did he make it?" Roth replied: "Some of him did. Funny really, but on the day [of the Intel Cannonbells launch], I really felt as though he was looking down on me and guiding me through the air towards that big, metal pipe. It was very emotional."

I cannot possibly suggest that Roth did this interview when still under the influence of the finest Lapin Kulta (supposedly Finland's finest beer). Or that, as some (including the site's disclaimer writers) might suggest, he is merely an actor.

Oh, all right, here's the full, tucked-away disclaimer: "All copy and videos are part of a marketing campaign for Intel Sponsors of Tomorrow. No Intel employees were harmed in the making of this film. All characters featured in the videos were played by actors specially trained in silly costumes and Finnish accents. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fire anyone out of a cannon."

Still, I trust that the video will inspire you to aim higher in the coming year to create technological feats that will truly make a noise in the commercial world. Even if it might make you mistrust Finns a little in the immediate future.

Selling isn't about telling people things. It's actually about making them feel something while you're telling them things.

I mention this because a new series of little Web videos have wafted beneath my browser. They come courtesy of Google. And they are advertising different aspects of the Chrome browser.

Now, I imagine that if I had to listen to Larry Page and Sergey Brin tell me about Chrome it might be enchanting. Well, for a couple of seconds. But it wouldn't be half as enchanting as these little works of art.

Each one centers on a positive aspect of Chrome--stability, speed, or security, for example.

Watching these things makes me think I'd absent-mindedly wandered into some museum of modern art and been seduced by illegitimate, slightly crazy offspring of Salvador Dali and the blokes who made Wallace and Gromit.

Strangely, these ads were actually outsourced to ad agencies, Bartle, Bogle and Hegarty and Glue. And, indeed, the movies seem like they were made with a bit of old bartle and a dollop of glue.

But wouldn't you love to see these things interrupt your NFL game this Sunday, rather than yet another car spot? Oh, come on, Google. You can afford it.

The court case between eBay and Craigslist is increasingly beginning to seem as if it was scripted by John Grisham. It's the little guy against the big machine.

Craigslist would like us to dedicate all our sympathy to its cause, as it describes its dealings with the big, bad wolf, aka eBay. Or, as Monday's court session heard, the big, bad she-wolf.

Jim Buckmaster, Craigslist's CEO, told the court that Garrett Price, an eBay executive, had written him an e-mail that waved a large rainbow-colored warning flag, according to a Reuters story.

"He said he needed to tell me there were two Meg Whitmans," Buckmaster told Craigslist's counsel in court, according to the report. "We had met and reached an agreement with Good Meg. There was another Meg, an Evil Meg. We would be best served to know that Meg could be a monster when she got angry and frustrated."

A monster? That nice lady who, in her run for governor, promises to make California solvent without resorting to punitive taxation or pumping iron? This is surely hard to believe.

The proceedings are being streamed live by the Courtroom View Network, and one wonders just what joy the network might bring Tuesday when eBay's no doubt friendly counsel attempts to hide his fangs from the Craigslist CEO, while simultaneously snipping at his vulnerable parts.

In case you had missed the cause of this kerfuffle, eBay is claiming that Craigslist illegally diluted its 28.4 percent shareholding by "self-dealing," underhand methods.

A monster? This nice lady? Surely not.

(Credit: CC White African/Flickr)

Craigslist is claiming that eBay made a promise not to start its own Craigslist-type site and then went right ahead and created Kijiji. It seems that such a promise did not appear in what some laypersons might describe as the written form, according to the Associated Press.

Buckmaster also declared that Whitman promised him that if any problems arose between the two companies--an e-mail was produced to the court on Monday in which an eBay executive described Craigslist people as being "definitely on another planet"--then eBay would sell its shares, according to Bloomberg.

"I believed that I could rely on her statements," Buckmaster told the court, Bloomberg said.

Just as Grisham protagonists seem slightly naive to the workings of the world, Buckmaster seems to want the court to believe that Craigslist were nice guys who couldn't imagine how beastly business people could be.

In many Grisham novels, the heroes flee to freedom in some lovely place, with enough money to enjoy the rest of their blissful lives.

Has that thought never crossed the minds of Buckmaster and founder Craig Newmark? Just wondering.

For gamers, Christmas can, indeed, come early.

Because here is every gamer's dream wrapped up in a Christmas paper so beautiful that you might never play Guitar Hero in a living room ever again.

Please hail Ric Turner, who realized the holiday season was upon him and it was time not to keep up with the Joneses, but with the Brian Jones Massacre's. So, according to Make, he created this astonishing Guitar Hero Christmas lights extravaganza, which he calls Christmas Light Hero.

If you are not utterly entranced by the skill and wonderment of this technological exercise, then your fingers are pork sausages and your emotions are boiled semolina.

I know you are going to ask me how he did it. Thankfully, he explained to Make in some detail.

Here is just the first part of his explanation: "Christmas Light Hero is using 7 light controllers from Light-O-Rama built from kits to control 21,268 lights and LEDs. Each controller has 16 outputs and 2-3 TTL level control inputs that are used by the game system to fire different programmed light sequences depending on what happens in the game."

He continued: "It relies on the fact that the game sequence is very consistent. If the game and the lighting sequences start together, they will stay in very good sync through the length of the song."

For the full explanation--it goes on for some paragraphs--please enjoy the Make link.

Turner is so wonderfully talented (Oh, did I mention that he used to be a special effects guy at Disney Imagineering?) that he even thought about not disturbing the neighbors with renditions of Eric Johnson's "Cliffs of Dover".

He said: "When you play, you watch only the Christmas lights, but the audio you hear is from the Wii, so your flubs are broadcast for all to hear (people in cars can tune 99.1 and crank it up as loud as they want.)"

If you happen to be passing Turner's house (a commenter on Daily What says it's somewhere near Disney in Burbank, Calif.), please know that it isn't so easy to get on the high score list.

He said on his YouTube posting: "Optional TV screen is available if you get in trouble, but if you use the screen, you don't get your name in the high score list."

I know some of you will be wondering how many bulbs are being put to such good use here. The Daily What reveals that it is 21,268.

May your neighbors be even one tenth as imaginative this holiday season.

When rich people sue rich people, it often seems that the only possible winners can be rich people.

Which perhaps doesn't engage the emotions of spectators quite as much as, say, when rich people are caught with their plus fours around their ankles.

Still, the current lawsuit between eBay and Craigslist does offer a small window into our own daily lives. You know, the one through which we decide whether we believe what someone is telling us.

This legal spatula is being flipped in Delaware Chancery Court, its essence revolving around how much of Craigslist eBay really owns. Is it 28.4 percent, on which they initially agreed in 2004? Or is it the 24 percent that appears to have emerged after what eBay believes was a "self-dealing" and underhand scheme by Craigslist to dilute the value of its stock?

eBay's executives have already protested both their innocence and niceness. On Thursday and Friday, it was the turn of Craig Newmark and Jim Buckmaster of Craigslist. (Oh, if you're in need of human fascination, it continues Monday and is being streamed live by the Courtroom View Network.)

So here we are having to decide who is, well, the nicest person, the one who isn't telling the odd fib or two.

Perhaps the most moving remark of the first couple of days came from former eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who told the court that the moment she became concerned about the dealings between the two companies was when eBay founder Pierre Omidyar allegedly became frustrated with Craigslist.

"To be honest," she told the court, "I was starting to get concerned because really, nobody doesn't like Pierre."

And so we had eBay claiming the niceness higher ground. "We are sweet. We are lovely. We are kind to animals," seemed to be her refrain. The folks at Craigslist, though they might seem pleasantly libertarian at times, are not immune from a little folksiness of their own.

Believable?

(Credit: CC: Jemima G/Flickr)

So when Newmark and Buckmaster took the stand, it was surely hard not to see them as the smaller, more idealistic Merry Men trying to avoid being slammed into the stocks by the big, bad Sheriff of Nottingham.

Newmark, he of the dour-colored suits and the slightly Elvis Costello-ish mien, sounded like Elvis at his lowest when he described how he felt betrayed by eBay.

He came to believe that his lady suitor's aim was not true. "eBay, specifically Meg Whitman, made commitments, and broke them," he told the court.

The Craigslist team, you see, became very concerned when eBay began to create its own classified site, with the slightly uncomfortable name Kijiji. Whitman, claimed Newmark, had promised exclusivity, but she was clearly playing around with Craig's confidential data and his feelings.

Buckmaster, Newmark's blessedly calm Friar Tuck, no doubt tugged at some heartstrings on Friday, when he described a correspondence between himself and Whitman.

On July 12, 2007, he allegedly wrote to the then-eBay CEO: "It is my sad duty to report that we are no longer comfortable having eBay as a shareholder." He went on to explain that Craigslist rather wanted to "explore options for our repurchase, or for otherwise finding a new home for these shares."

This all seemed like Whitman and her less than merry people were being dumped. Which is why you might be rendered somewhat insensate by her alleged reply: "We are so happy with our relationship with Craigslist that we could neither imagine doing anything to disturb our personal rapport with you or [Craigslist founder] Craig [Newmark], nor parting with our shareholding in Craigslist Inc. under any foreseeable circumstances."

She allegedly continued: "Quite to the contrary, we would welcome the opportunity to acquire the remainder of Craigslist Inc. we do not already own whenever you and Craig feel it would be appropriate."

Buckmaster told the court he found the cheery tone of this note to be "threatening."

So there you have it. Buckmaster continues with his possibly painful story on Monday. You, meanwhile, have all weekend to discern who might have slipped a little Rohypnol into their facts and who might be appealing to more fundamental human frailties.

You might also wonder what on earth these two sides were doing trying to have a relationship with each other. Somehow, it all seems a little like Angelina Jolie trying to get it on with Ross Perot.

Many people I know are frightfully attached to their iPhones. They treat them as if they were a peculiar and exotic lover, one they can hardly believe they have managed to seduce.

The finely calibrated minds at Strand Consult have taken this analysis to a particularly simple conclusion: iPhone users are, the consultants say, really quite nuts.

The Strand thinkers released an opinion entitled "How will psychologists describe the iPhone syndrome in the future?." It focuses on the sorts of people who buy into Apple's great success.

Here's a flavor of the somewhat-skeptical nature of Strand's feelings: "Apple has launched a beautiful phone with a fantastic user interface that has had a number of technological shortcomings that many iPhone users have accepted and defended, despite those shortcomings resulting in limitations in iPhone users' daily lives."

The consultants' likening of iPhone buyers to kidnapped hostages may raise more than the eyebrows of many an Apple fanboy (fanperson?). Indeed, it already has the Mac world aflutter.

Is this evidence of an iPhone hypnotising a user?

(Credit: CC Gonzalo Baeza Hernandez/Flickr)

"When we examine the iPhone users' arguments defending the iPhone, it reminds us of the famous Stockholm Syndrome--a term invented by psychologists after a hostage drama in Stockholm. Here, hostages reacted to the psychological pressure they were experiencing by defending the people that had held them hostage for six days," Strand declared.

The implication is surely that Apple has mugged millions of people with its beauty, dragged them off to a very dark cellar in some barren land, turned them into slightly bonkers Barbarellas, and then recruited them as soldiers for the cause.

This is the sort of thing of which the Church of Scientology is normally accused. But for some strange reason, it's a rather chilling but pleasant shower to read something that isn't mere worship.

Strand claims that it closely analyzes the financials of mobile operators. And if you also happen to order its wonderfully free report "The Moment of Truth, a portrait of the iPhone," you will discover the 10 great myths about the iPhone. Here are just two: it doesn't attract new business for operators, and it is not a technologically advanced mobile phone.

I know you'll be rushing to read these fine tracts, and I feel sure that a couple of you might wish to drop Strand Consult a note. To encourage you a little, I'll warn you that Strand also seems to believe that some of you Apple customers are, well, liars.

The consultants put it quite sweetly: "In reality, the iPhone is surrounded by a multitude of people, media, and companies that are happy to bend the truth to defend the product they have purchased from Apple."

Apple customers are liars? The media too? Surely not.

At heart, are dogs as unpleasant as human beings?

The question pummels at my sinews today because an iPhone app of unusual enlightenment has been brought to my attention.

It's called FidoFactor. And what sets it apart from all those fart-obsessed, teeny-titillating iPhone apps is that, to use a phrase created by the company itself, it's "like Yelp for dogs."

We've all yelped for a dog at some point in our lives, but staring at this concept made me think that this app (and its accompanying site) would be the equivalent of reading reviews from the everyday world written by dogs.

I am sure many people would love to discover which doggy parks have brittle grass and smell like ant excreta. Who wouldn't want to know which street light provides the perfect angle, texture, and general environment for urination?

And just imagine a restaurant review written by a curmudgeonly Pomeranian--"The floor had too many splinters. And the food that dropped from the table reminded me of a garbage can I once inadvertently stumbled into."

What does this Pomeranian REALLY think about Starbucks?

(Credit: CC KTylerConk/Flickr)

However, FidoFactor--currently covering just New York, San Francisco, Boston, and Portland, Ore., falls a little short of every dogged doggy's dreams.

It does keep you informed about dog-friendly locations. Just like many review sites, it offers you various categories by which to judge dog suitability: Dog-friendly tables, leash policy, and--that most vital thing for many pooches--heating.

But that's the point: it offers YOU these things. Everything on Fido Factor is a little too human. Take this restaurant review for the Grove on Fillmore. While giving the Grove five stars, or rather what look like little doggy biscuits, the reviewer writes: "Good food with friendly staff. Owners have rescue pets and have big hearts."

You see, it's all about the humans. Surely, Precious the Pomeranian will want to know about far more basic factors like the lickability of the furniture and the sniffabililty of the floorboards.

Dogs are people, people. They are their own beings with their own feelings. Please let's try and make FidoFactor something that is truly dog-centric. Let's try to elicit what really makes our dogs happy, even if we have to get Cesar Millan to teach us canine language that we then re-interpret into reviews that will be meaningful for dogs.

Only then can Fido Factor truly be a factor in improving a dog's life.

In these modern times, when people hear the word "beard," they sometimes think of someone being used, perhaps unknowingly, to cover up the sexual orientation of a friend.

However, once anyone under 20 sees this series of public-service announcements from LG, in which James Lipton from "Inside the Actor's Studio" attempts to be a good companion to troubled teens, they will, hopefully, think "beard" before sending a text featuring a picture of their private parts.

You see, LG did a little research and discovered that nasty or sexually explicit texts weren't being sent so much by bullies, but by "tabloid teens." You know, those who might have helped Yahoo's business enormously by trying to find every last piece of information about Tiger Woods' alleged missteps with various misses.

Such teens believe that gossip is their source of influence and social power, but it doesn't necessarily yield the finest of results. Which is why LG would like the rapidly typing youth to "give it a ponder" before they send, as Lipton so sweetly describes it in one of the spots, "a pic of your junk."

In an attempt to help, Lipton gives them his beard for them to stroke. On their own faces, you understand.

The spots have a tough task, as they are asking kids to don Lipton's famously ephemeral facial hair in order to adopt a little temporary maturity at a moment of some excitement.

But LG is still determined to knock a little sense into these people wherever it can get to them.

The rather lovely Give It A Ponder Facebook page has delightful entries from, for example, a lady called Lynn Hood who says, "Oh, that I had a beard this magnificent to stroke while I ponder." And, the GiveItAPonder.com site offers even more amusement.

U.S. teens together apparently send 20,000 texts per second, so one can only hope that this delightful campaign puts at least a tiny dent into their craniums.

Once it makes some intelligent inroads with teens, perhaps LG might try to influence the poor judgment of politicians. Perhaps, indeed, LG could get the folks on Capitol Hill to text us their thoughts and receive our approval before they ever articulate a single word in public. Just a thought.

As many a famous person might or might not tell you privately, it's hard to know when to be honest.

Should you admit that you have at least 11 lovers? Should you tell the world that you might enjoy a prescription drug or two?

And then there was Carol Bartz's dilemma at the UBS Media Conference Monday--should you admit just how delighted you are that Tiger Woods might have at least 11 lovers and enjoy a prescription drug or two?

Bartz chose to open her feelings to the world. "God Bless Tiger," she was quoted by The Huffington Post as declaring.

The very public trials of the great golfer have forced untold millions of people to seek out untold stories and photos of Woods' personal life all over Yahoo's pages.

(Credit: CC Yodel Anecdotal/Flickr)

I know there may be some who found Bartz's admission rather callous. Didn't it sound like she was attempting to perform a Riverdance on someone's funeral casket? This view might have been supported by her reportedly mentioning that Tiger's woes had even conquered Michael Jackson's physical demise.

May I offer an alternative theory? You see, in the way that corporations sometimes behave with all the directional unity of Medusa's hair, perhaps Yahoo was, this week, behaving with uncommonly singular purpose.

On the same day that Bartz made her comments, her company launched something it calls its campaign to inspire the world.

Entitled "You In?", it is Yahoo's attempt to let kindness be its (and, by extension, your) guiding light this holiday season.

The idea is that, bathing in the need to be nice to someone, you should go immediately to Kindness.yahoo.com and share what it is you have decided to do to express your altruism. This way others might be able to be inspired by the ripple effect of your goodness.

It could be to finally tell your husband that his nasal hair has reached beyond reason into a desperate forest. It could be to finally tell your boss that he is a primping goon who shouldn't be running a bath, never mind your IT department.

Or it could be, like Carol Bartz, subtly encouraging your fellow imperfect human, Tiger Woods, to partake of the soothing balm called honesty.

"Look," she was really saying. "Just tell them exactly how it is. They'll respect you for it in the morning. It works for me."

I wonder if Tiger Woods' first post-scandal sponsorship might come from Yahoo? I can just see him yodeling after hitting a five-iron to within two feet of the pin, can't you?